Poking my head up out of my bunker

[mtfbuckeye]

Hey everyone,
I've disappeared again for a while, but have been lurking occasionally. For those of you who don't know me, I'm 35-year-old pre-everything transwoman who is married and a parent to two wonderful children. I'm seeing a GID therapist, and he is willing to write me my letter for HRT. The (main) problem is that my wife will likely leave me if I start hormones, which is not an outcome I want for a lot of reasons (I love her, I still want to be with her during/after my transition, I need her friendship and support, I don't want to be apart from my children, etc).

Each day living as a male is a harder slog. I'm not at the "transition or die" point yet, but that perspective makes more sense and seems more plausible to me every day. The point where I have to make the REALLY tough decisions is approaching fast, because I can't see going another year without at least STARTING my transition (I plan to start HRT and facial hair removal while still presenting in "boy mode" for a while).

Complicating factors are numerous: I haven't had a full-time job since December of 2008 (I work part-time as a community college instructor), we are filing bankruptcy, and right now we live with my wife's parents (and I promised my wife I wouldn't start hormones while living under their roof). I also cheated on my wife multiple times with ciswomen, transwomen and transmen. That behavior was tied up in my gender issues, but I take full responsibility for my actions (and look forward to the degradation of my male sex drive on HRT). Thanks to therapy and self-examination, I'm much better at controlling my behavior.

My wife is supportive in some ways.. I have to give her credit for that. She has been on board with me seeing my therapist (in fact, right now her and I alternate weeks with him), and she introduced me to a transwoman who is a regular at the coffee shop she works at (this transwoman has become an important source of support for me). Day-to-day, things between her and I are ok. We get along, we laugh at each others jokes, we still seem to click. But I fear a lot of that "ok-ness" is based on her ability to deny the reality of my gender issues. When she is reminded "yup, my husband wants to be a woman," that's when things get sour.

At this point I'm rambling... I did take a small step the other day; I haven't crossdressed in years, and it hasn't really done anything for me in a LONG time, but yesterday I bought a 3-pack of boy shorts, and I have to admit wearing a pair made me feel SLIGHTLY more content.

Anyway, it's great to be back, and I plan to be more out there and active here at Susan's again.

[Lacey Lynne]

Welcome back!

You are now facing what many of us here have/are faced/facing.  My own story has many similarities to yours. 

Know what?  There's hope.  There really is.  Why?  Your wife may eventually become a best friend of yours.  That's what my wife is becoming to me.  She freaked out bigtime when I came out and especially when I started hormone replacement therapy.  Her reaction is not unusual.  Her world has been blown away.  Give her time.

Gender counselor?  Great idea.  I did the same thing.  Many of us here have.  You've got friends here.  Come by as often as you'd like.  Good luck. 

[mtfbuckeye]

thanks LL It's good to be back here.

I would really like to keep the marriage together for a lot of reasons (the big one still being that I'm in love with her), but if I was able to salvage a decent friendship with her, that'd be ok too. I'm somewhat optimistic because she's known I was "gender variant" since before we were married 8 years ago, and she is attracted to women as well as men. She's a liberal, open-minded person and has no issues with transfolks in a general sense. The biggest problem is probably that she hasn't yet been able to forgive my infidelity. I hope we get there.

I know couples have stayed together through this... I hope I end up among the lucky ones.

[arbon]

It is good to have you back!

[Rayalisse]

Your story is rather similar to my own- i foresee myself as a boy mode transwoman for a while as well.  My wife (married almost 14 yrs) is also liberal/open minded and accepting of the "idea" of trans-people and she's even given me some of her clothes that work better for me and is OK with "stealth CD" (i.e. boy / andro clothes on outside, and whatever I want underneath) and my use of makeup, wearing a necklace (that I made myself) and purse when going out, but rolls her eyes at me when I even mention "actual" women's clothing on me  (she can't see it working on me due to my football linebacker build and beer belly.).   I think its just a matter of finding the right style and demonstrating that it can work - I'm not aiming to be "drop dead gorgeous" just want to look like an ordinary lady my age -- blend in... 

Since I came out to her I have to remember that now, if we're going to go on this journey together, we have to take steps pretty much together as well.  Even if I would love to just jump right in the deep end, she wants to take baby steps.  Heck i still wear a beard since if I'm not going public en femme, I might as well keep it 'cuz she likes it.  I guess these are the compromises we make. 

I love her dearly and my 4 kids and don't want to jeopardize our relationships.  She doesn't mind me dressing in girly lounge clothes or nighties here at home and I love being able to relax and let my guard down and be a girl at home.  As far as my kids go, they asked why I was wearing makeup, painting my nails, wearing a skirt / girl clothes around the house and I told them that I liked wearing them and it made me feel happy.  They accepted this explanation -- eventually down the road if the cards play out so I can begin to transition to part/fulltime / HRT / FFS / SRS starts to finally happen I'll probably need to disclose some more to the kids but I can at least feel comfortable in my own home, and can present to my family at least, as "dad in a skirt"  I've never really been a macho dad anyway.  Heck I gave mani/pedis to all the girls in the house and my oldest daughter (12 y/o) said she wanted me to do a mani/pedi party for her girlfriends because I do such a good job.  Maybe I've missed my calling....

Extended family issues abound as well, and my uber-religious mormon parents are probably my biggest fear since they are so vehemently anti- [insert queer term here].  They are such a huge part of my children's lives I don't want to lose that relationship with their grandparents, and I fear that may happen.  Since our family formally left their church, my relationship with them has been strained but we still talk and they still visit with us and want to be a part of our lives.  I just worry about coming out TS/TG to them after their gung-ho involvement with Prop 8 in CA...  Or maybe that will flip their perspective... a girl can hope

I haven't had issues with cheating on my wife (although I have had opportunities, but never took em), but she is having long-term health issues and chronic pain, and dealing with depression as a result, and is having self-confidence issues and worries that I'll lose interest in her.  (not going to happen she is my heart.)  I just try to show her my feelings as much and as often as I can.  We're in the process of finding a therapist that can properly help us through our issues.  Hopefully that will help, even though my spouse doesn't like to talk and is very introverted (probably asperger's but she won't get tested.)

Anyway, enough about me --  Welcome back - I hope you can work things out with your own wife - its a hard road to patch up and regain trust I'm sure.  I am also very pleased to have found another boy-mode transwoman in a similar situation to me.

Cheers!
Rayalisse