doubt

[drippin]

just had a conversation with my mom about me. she asked when i planned to go full time and i told her in about another month. anyway, the conversation ended up with her pointing masculine characteristics out about me, and me doing the opposite. i feel like she is genuinely concerned that i am making a mistake.. she said a year iisn't enough time to think about it and i said "i've had 19 years" she then went on to tell me all of the miserable things about being a woman. i tried my best to explain to her that i know being a woman is not a fairytale and women are often degraded and patronized, however, presenting the way that i want and being able to openly express myself without being teased or thought of as "wierd" was just too priceless. she then told me that i would never pass as a woman and if anything i'll be looked at as more wierd. which is frustrating because i've already passed in real life and am consumed (literally.consumed) with voice practice/training.


anywayy such a ramble, but i just think that i have enough doubts already i don't need her doubting me too! how does anyone stay sane and fight the doubt while they wait through the grueling transition.

i can't wait til the day she really sees me.

[tori319]

Well your better than me I haven't told my mom yet I plan on being on hormones for a couple months first.I think that if you have passed already its probably just your mom trying to discourage you so that you don't get hurt by others.Have you explained what it means for you to be not only trans but a woman?Have you talk to her about the pain of pretending your a guy?

[drippin]

i told her how envious i have always been of natal females and how nice it would be to function as a woman. i know what i want, and what my potential is as far as passing but it's still sooo frustrating :/

[pebbles]

My dad said something similar.

"Well you'll never look normal, and your Adams apple will always be visible." at which point I mentioned that he doesn't know what he's talking about. My mother just refuses to "encourage" me in any way and gets angry if she even hears me or anyone else mention it.

[lilacwoman]

just keep plugging away at them but bear in mind that if they really oppose it you might eventually do what many other TS have done and leave home to seek a place and situation where you can be yourself.
I left home at 19ish to go live in a single room just so I could be female all my spare time.
It's not easy but it has to be done.  Good luck.

[Cindy]

I think some of those discussions are the last gasp type of trying to 'convert' you.

If your Mum is telling you all the bad things about being female, I think she is trying to scare you into 'maleness' obviously it didn't work for her, why should it for you? When Dad says you will never pass so what, you don't mentally pass as a guy do you? And without being or meaning in any way to be rude or insensitive, there are lots of plain and plain ugly women, but they are content with their gender. 

I will argue that most TG work hard at looking good, possibly a bit harder than many GG, because we want to pass well and we need to express our femininity. I think that is why some newbie TG's get caught out, with the too high heels the too short dress and the too long hair. With some experience we dress and look our age (sadly ).

You just need to keep your confidence up and move along your plan.

I know it's hard when you are young. It's a damn sight harder when you are older

Hugs

Cindy

[mjr]

The old/new gal perspective here.  People change when then learn about what they don't know or are afraid of.  For me most of my life I was homophobic, buy my ex has several gay relatives I've gotten to know.  After getting to know about people I was afraid of I changed and now openly defend gay rights.

Educate and keep the discussion open with them.  It's hard for them to lose their dreams and prejudices.  In time they'll change and accept you.

Also, remember to start and end all arguments by telling them you love them, no matter how much they make you made.  It's really a good phrase for disarming parents. 

Mary

[mtfbuckeye]

All of this sounds familiar. When my transition comes up, my Mom always ends up trying to "talk me out of it," in the guise of "helping" me. Ugh. The unpleasant truth is that she is light years away from "getting it," and probably never will. She also tends to dwell on WHY I'm trans, and has trouble understanding that, at this point, the WHY isn't super relevant. No matter how I got here, I need to do this. Even if she could convince me that I'm "this way" because I had four older sisters and a distant father, it wouldn't make me think "Aha! Now that I get that, I'll be totally happy as a dude!"

It's like U2 sang once: "you know that your time is coming around... so don't let the bastards drag you down."

[Angela]

Not to change the subject, but I noticed Pebbles mentioned about the adams apple.My parents were always telling me that before my transition.I became so self aware about that,that  even before HRT,and FFS, SRS,I had my adams apple reduced.   

[Angela]

All of this sounds familiar. When my transition comes up, my Mom always ends up trying to "talk me out of it," in the guise of "helping" me. Ugh. The unpleasant truth is that she is light years away from "getting it," and probably never will. She also tends to dwell on WHY I'm trans, and has trouble understanding that, at this point, the WHY isn't super relevant. No matter how I got here, I need to do this. Even if she could convince me that I'm "this way" because I had four older sisters and a distant father, it wouldn't make me think "Aha! Now that I get that, I'll be totally happy as a dude!"


mtfbuckeye, sometimes its a case of the parent seeing how happy you are once you transition.My mom did a 360 turnaround after my transition, so dont give up.She was stubborn , but came around.She just cant get over how much I look like her after I had my FFS.Its like shes my older sister instead of my mom, lol.My dad though, we havent spoken in years.It feels like a part of me has died since then.

[Astarielle]

I get a double dip of doubt...I assume, anyway. Right now, I'm dealing with my own self doubts (Do I really need this. I'm sure it's what I want, but do I need it/do I know what I'm getting into?) I will have a handle on that by the end of summer 2011 for sure, hopefully sooner. Then comes the part where I tell my parents. I'm really not sure how they will react, because they're pretty staunch Mormons. I suspect they'll try to talk me out of it. I'm not a strong person, too. I want people to be happy with me. So it will be hard, trying to convince my parents...assuming I convince myself.

[spacial]

As tori says, the pain of pretending to be a male can't be any less.

Cindy makes a good point, but equally, she could simply be trying to make sure you understand the pitfalls.

None of us should be under any illusions as to what we will have ahead. But we will each of us have a tough life ahead whatever we do.

We all have a problem here. A problem that society is only slowly coming to accept and understand. As females, men like a bit of banter with us, even if they have no interest on a physical level. Women might find relating to us, difficult if they think we are men.

These adjustments will take time.

But not taking to opportunity, trying to pretend to be men?

Apologies for not looking at the FtM side here.

[Izumi]

just had a conversation with my mom about me. she asked when i planned to go full time and i told her in about another month. anyway, the conversation ended up with her pointing masculine characteristics out about me, and me doing the opposite. i feel like she is genuinely concerned that i am making a mistake.. she said a year iisn't enough time to think about it and i said "i've had 19 years" she then went on to tell me all of the miserable things about being a woman. i tried my best to explain to her that i know being a woman is not a fairytale and women are often degraded and patronized, however, presenting the way that i want and being able to openly express myself without being teased or thought of as "wierd" was just too priceless. she then told me that i would never pass as a woman and if anything i'll be looked at as more wierd. which is frustrating because i've already passed in real life and am consumed (literally.consumed) with voice practice/training.


anywayy such a ramble, but i just think that i have enough doubts already i don't need her doubting me too! how does anyone stay sane and fight the doubt while they wait through the grueling transition.

i can't wait til the day she really sees me.

Heh, if i listened to my mom about transitioning i would be still be a loser and / or dead.   A year is not a long time, i went full time as soon as i could pass, which for me was 6 months on hormones.  I wasnt a looker to start with either, i had a lot of masculine features, but i learned techniques to minimize them and hormones took care of the rest.  You have the additional benefit of youth, so i am sure if you pass at this time ,you will be fine in the future. 

What your mom doesnt realize is its nothing outside that you want to fix, transitioning actually causes more problems on the outside, its the inside that needs the fixing.  The reason was such a loser is because i couldnt handle things in the outside world because i spent too much time handling the problems internally.  Once i transitioned and lived life without have to pretend to be who i wasnt, suddenly coping with outside problems were easy, things that were difficult before became so easy I didnt even have to try, and things that were confusing finally made sense.  All in all i became a complete person but more then that, a success.  while i was a complete failure as a man, i am a complete success as a woman and i dont even have to try,  i just do whatever comes natural with no walls now to block it like before.

if your worrying about passing here is my before and after, i am sure that you dont have as bad a starting point as me:
before:
http://www.hawaiibd.com/10.jpg
after: (1.7 yrs HRT)
http://www.hawaiibd.com/AB1.jpg

Just stay true to who you are, and do your best to make your transition a success, give 100% and i am sure you will turn out fine.  good luck ^_^b

[mtfbuckeye]

Izumi,
I know you've heard this a millions times, but you are an incredibly attractive woman You've gone through quite a transformation indeed! I'm so happy for you

[Samantha_Marie]

Izumi,
I know you've heard this a millions times, but you are an incredibly attractive woman You've gone through quite a transformation indeed! I'm so happy for you

[Izumi]

Ty your all very kind, but i still need some work. 

I just want to say that i didnt sit around and wait for HRT to happen, it was hard work, dieting, exercising, and countless other things i did to get my body into shape for the transition.  I gave it 100% of all i had, and still do.  I am sure if you do the same you will see similar results, if not better.  I mean, a lot of you are young, i missed my prime, I am in my 30s, but you who are starting in your teens have a whole wonderful life ahead of you, it is I who am jealous of you.

Good luck and work hard for your dreams.

[drippin]

thanks to everyone who replied. i'm glad to know i'm not the only one dealing with these issues. and as for leaving home and cutting ties, i don't think it will be necessary. in fact, i KNOW it won't be necessary. my mom is very liberal, has no religious affiliation, and is very much a GLBT advocate. even though she does criticize me, i think the only reason is that she really is scared. but once she realizes that i will be able to function as a woman, and pass as one, i think her nerves will be calmed. i think if anything she is scared for my safety.

and i'm totally not trying to make her out to be a villan, because she isn't. in fact we had a long heart to heart full of tears a few weeks ago, which ended with her saying "listen, i love you. and i always will... but maybe we should get you a training bra?" (it was very sweet and sincere and at that moment i knew all would be fine)


..but ugh she sure can make some very discouraging comments!

anyway, thanks again to everyone for sharing their stories/opinion/love! xo

[JennX]

just had a conversation with my mom about me. she asked when i planned to go full time and i told her in about another month. anyway, the conversation ended up with her pointing masculine characteristics out about me, and me doing the opposite. i feel like she is genuinely concerned that i am making a mistake.. she said a year iisn't enough time to think about it and i said "i've had 19 years" she then went on to tell me all of the miserable things about being a woman. i tried my best to explain to her that i know being a woman is not a fairytale and women are often degraded and patronized, however, presenting the way that i want and being able to openly express myself without being teased or thought of as "wierd" was just too priceless. she then told me that i would never pass as a woman and if anything i'll be looked at as more wierd. which is frustrating because i've already passed in real life and am consumed (literally.consumed) with voice practice/training.


anywayy such a ramble, but i just think that i have enough doubts already i don't need her doubting me too! how does anyone stay sane and fight the doubt while they wait through the grueling transition.

i can't wait til the day she really sees me.

This is a very familiar speech. Did she mention the part about it "being a man's world" or "do you have any idea how hard things can be for a woman"? That always makes me laugh.  From my prospective, she's trying to protect you... even though it might seems otherwise. My best advice would be talk and explain everything in as many general terms as possible. It's not something easy to explain. It sounds like she's on your side, but just needs a little more information on being transgendered.

[Karla]

Did she mention the part about it "being a man's world" or "do you have any idea how hard things can be for a woman"? That always makes me laugh. 

I heard those 2 as well. If they want the world they can have it, all I want is a little corner where I can be happy.

It used to frustrate me because it showed that my mom is dwelling on a whole different plane of thought, eventually she understood, but I get how it was part of a protective instinct.

She's lately had the chance to see me happy and in a good shape (literally  ), she saw how much happier and more of a human being I am, she understood that I was going nowhere the way I used to live.

[valyn_faer]

It's still a "man's world"? Not according to this article:
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2010/07/the-end-of-men/8135/