Day before Injection

[Squirrel698]

Is always such a difficult day for me.  I hate to say it but it's almost like PMS really with all the hormone shifts.  I spoke to my endo and he suggested that I use some Testim on that day.  The thing is I'm getting my levels checks tomorrow morning.  The lower they are the more likely I'll get the okay for a high dose of T and more frequent injection which is exactly what I think I need. 

So an update on me.  My mother is back in my life and being cruel and vindictive as usual.  I am torn because I do want her to have a relationship with my children if she wants too but on the other hand she treats me like something she would scrap off the bottom of her shoe.  I allowed her to come over to see them and while we waited for the kids to come off the bus she was screaming at me.
   
Started out by blaming me for taking her daughter away.  Which is fair enough and I understand that but she says these things in such a vicious horrible way.  She claims that all my relatives called her offering her condolences as if I died after I came out.  I don't know if that's true.  She does tend to exaggerate and twist everything in a way to make herself the martyr.  I've tired to explain to them what's going on but I'm not sure they want to listen any more than she does.  She says I am a victim of all the 'lies' that I believe and that everything about this disgusts and revolts her beyond words.  Then the normal abomination against God's plan.  That I was created as a woman and any deviation from it is a sin.  I told her that whatever I am doing is between God and me and she has nothing to do with it.  She told me like she's been telling me all my life I'm not Christian enough to have any determination about what God wants for me.  As if she has any right to judge that.

She went on to screech that I am going to corrupt my children with my horrible ways.  That she is going to do her best to 'save them' from my partner and I.  But even then she doesn't think it's going to be enough.  Now it's this bit that really bothers both my partner and I.  It seriously sounds like she is going to attempt to under mind our roles as parents.  She always takes the boys out to the park and to eat without my partner or I.  Who knows what she is saying to them?  It really worries us because this is hard enough without adding stress and confusion to the children. 

I tried to explain to her that children from same sex relationships come out just as good if not better than kids from opposite sex relationships.  She screamed in my face that was all lies.  That in fact they come out gay.  Which is ridiculous, everyone knows that is ridiculous I thought.  Anything I site from the American Paediatrics or any other reputable source she declares is 'lies' unless it agrees with her.  So if she just says everything is a lie then what's the point of arguing any more?  I really don't know.

So we have decided to cut her out until she agrees to meet with a therapist with me.  A neutral party.  She wanted me to meet with an anti-trans therapist but I'm not about to set myself up for that kind of abuse.  She refused to go to mine before because he wasn't Christian enough (that again) because a Christian would only condemn me not be neutral.  Perhaps eventually she's agree to go if it means seeing the kids. 

It has been explained to me over and over again that she is never going to accept me.  That she never really has even before I started my transition.  That holding out some hope for that is what is causing me so much misery.  I am really starting to believe that but it's so tough.  Why is it so much to ask for my Mother to love me?  Why is that so hard for her?     

In other news I still remain mostly ambiguous to most people.  I still get the occasional ma'am which is a spirit breaker but I get the odd 'sir' or 'man' which is always a good thing.   So it goes I hope as I keep on taking T it will keep on being less of the first and more of the second.  Not much to do but wait on that one and do the best I can to build up my body.

Speaking of which my partner seems to think that it is impossible to get any sort of procedure done for less than $15,000.  Which means I probably won't be able to afford top surgery until 2012 which makes me honestly want to jump off a bridge.  I mean another whole year with these tumours on my chest?  We have no actual idea of how much it costs but we've had some things done recently that ended up extremely expensive.  My tubal ligation cost about $16,000 and that was partly covered by insurance.   My youngest son had an adenoidectomy which was also around the same price.  Insane.  Chances are top surgery won't be covered by insurance and so we need to have that money on hand.  It's depressing all around.  Hopefully I'm going to figure out some way around it but I don't know.

One last thing since I've told you everything else.  lol  Sometimes I do go stir crazy just sitting here at home not doing anything.  I need to get out and so I head off to a gay bar called Hunters.  It is in the Chicago suburbs so I don't have to go all the way into the city which is nice.  I do meet guys there and talk which is really all I want.  The problem is I never really follow up with them.  I'm afraid that if they found out I'm not what they expect they would be angry maybe even violent.  I'm not sure if I should be honest at the start or what.  I don't feel I'm lying when I introduce myself with my male name because that's who I am. 

The thing is I like Hunter's but it is a very transphobic place.  The guys that talk to me say horrible things about the MTF's in there and even the odd straight girl that comes to dance and have a good time gets seriously looked down at.  They are vicious and the things they say and I stick up for everyone and they stop with the comments but now I know how they feel about transgender people. It just makes it impossible for me to be honest.  So I really end up meeting no one and it really sucks.  I would go into the city but that's so much more trouble with the parking and so on. 

So I think that's enough for now.  Thanks for reading!   😉

[JohnR]

You are having a hard time. Do you find that for the first few days after a shot you feel less stressed by the problems than you do just before a shot is due?

[Squirrel698]

You are having a hard time. Do you find that for the first few days after a shot you feel less stressed by the problems than you do just before a shot is due?

I suppose so.  The problems are always there but I feel better overall about life in general after I inject the T.  They are still there though and I have to solve them.  Maybe I am better able to think clearer after my hormone levels even out. 

[lilacwoman]

/quote]


why did you have the tubal ligation thing?  seems awfully expensive compared to sending your man to get vasectomy? or are there hormonal benefits from ligation for a FtM?

[cynthialee]

The hard crash the day before the injection was what prompted Sevan to go back to Testim. Problem with testim is that it gave hir hot flashes right after aplication for the first couple months.  Now ze has been on it for many moons and there is no issues. Personaly I like the way testim smells. Sevan says that she is complimented by women on hir scent when all she is wearing is testim. The testosterone combines with sweat and the bodies surface bacteria and it makes a mating scent.
As for your mom....watch her like a hawk. She is gonna try and pull something I would wager.
I wouldn't go to a place where trasphobic people gather, even if it is a gay bar. Stay safe go to a more friendly bar please. We want to keep you around.

[Squirrel698]

Lilacwoman  well there was this whole thing about how my partner wanted to keep his options open in case our relationship didn't work out after I transitioned.  I am certainly done with kids so I didn't mind the surgery.  There is no benefit to FTM's that I know of except from the obvious not being able to conceive.

Cynthia, testim does have it's benefits it's true.  It does take a long time to dry which can be bothersome and the price tag is much higher if insurance doesn't cover it.  I wouldn't be the least surprised if Mom does pull something.  She really doesn't have a leg to stand though and I know she isn't doing very well financially.  She really is this side of insane.

Aw thanks.  I hope to stay around a while myself.  I know you are right.  I should ask around find a better bar to hang out at on the odd weekend.

[jmaxley]

So we have decided to cut her out until she agrees to meet with a therapist with me.  A neutral party. 

I think this is a good idea.  If it was me, I definitely wouldn't let her have unsupervised time with the kids.  I would probably cut contact completely until she could be civil in front of them.

As for chest surgery, I think it usually runs around $6000...definitely not $15000.

[M.Grimm]

If it helps at all with regards to top surgery, as jmaxley pointed out it won't cost nearly as much as $15,000. I think the max amount is more like $10,000 and that's if you have to stay in a hotel, buy travel tickets and so on. So the range might be $6000-$10,000 let's say, and whether it falls on the higher or lower side depends entirely on where you go.

I'm sorry about the way your mother is acting.

[sneakersjay]

Top surgery was approx $10,000 and that include plane fare and an apartment for10 days in San Francisco.  Lower surgery cost $17,000 including air fare to Belgrade and an apartment for 14 days.

Hang in there, Paul. And hard as it is, tune out your mother's rantings.  What she is doing and saying is very typical with the added religious slant. 


Jay

[Radar]

I don't know your shot schedule but I do once a week and have never felt a hormone shift. I've heard of guys who take their injections once every 2 weeks or more can have the "withdrawal" but I think it's much less common for guys who inject weekly. You should ask your endo about that. Yeah, you have to inject more often but you reduce the chance of the hormone roller coaster.

As for your mother, I'm very sorry about that. I hate to say it but I don't think she will change. People like that rarely do, plus the fact that she doesn't want to change means she won't. People like her are never happy or satisfied. I've had to deal with people like this before so I know what it's like. You might just have to cut ties with her. I know you want your children to see their grandmother, but wouldn't that just expose them to what you were exposed to as a child? They'd be exposed to her toxicity you grew up with. Plus, with the current situations it might get worse. I think it's right for you and your partner to be concerned about what she tells them when alone. I've seen that before too. It can end really, really bad. She may even try to get custody of them and refuse visitation rights if she sees you as "a bad influence". It's your mother and family, and you know more than I do and know how to handle them, but I ask you to please be careful. This situation could turn out really, really badly for many involved.

After looking at your new avatar I can see a difference already on T. You'll get there. It takes time. The wait sucks, but it will happen. 🙂 I can't say much about the gay bar thing since I don't go to them, but if you're around people who seem to be very transphobic then be careful. Hopefully it would never end in violence but you never know. It seems these guys hate anything and everything about women. Even though you're a guy they'll probably see you as strictly a woman because of your body. With their mindset they may then shun you, want you to leave or at worse result to violence. Be careful about these situations. People are becoming more understanding of transsexuals but there are still alot of transphobics out there so you have to be mindful.

Wow, this reply seems like a downer. Here, have a smile. Things will get better.

[Squirrel698]

Thank you Radar (great Inception avvie), Jay, M. Grimm and Jmaxley for your replies. 

I have always heard that top surgery is under $8,000 but I really can't know for sure until I talk to a doctor.   I made an appointment with Dr. Paul Steinwald in Lake Forest, IL and I'm going to discuss it with him.  Does anyone have any experience with him by chance?

Regarding my Mom we did have a conversation last night over the phone that was approaching civil.  At least she listened to me more than usual.  She sounds really desperate and I know she wants to understand but lacks the capacity too.  I kept thinking I was getting some place as I told my pov but over and over again she kept falling back on the same arguments about religion and 'abandoning' my children, and her discomfort.  I wish I could get through to her at the very least that this isn't a choice I'm making.  It is how I am and I need to be who I am.  That the alternative is misery and in fact I am becoming a better person by embracing myself, not a worst one.   

Thanks Radar for your warnings.  I will keep them in mind.  We are going to stick to our guns about her not being alone with the kids until she sees a therapist with me.  She really doesn't want to but I hope she will in the end.  She half agreed to it last night.   

I'll try and stay away from Hunters from now on.  It really has the mentality of an all boys club where girls are not allowed.  Plus they all seem to know each other.  I'm afraid I'll be found out one way or another and it would spread. 

[Radar]

nThank you Radar (great Inception avvie)

Thanks. It's my latest obsession.

I've been thinking, many people are told to not transition because you should be "how God created you". If you believe in such things think about it, God created us as transsexuals. The "cure" for transsexualism- transition.

Going against that is like the mentality of someone being born with diabetes but refusing to take insulin- even if not taking it endangers their life. Therefore, using that reason is invalid. It's nothing but a selfish excuse to enforce their beliefs and wishes on you.