Is always such a difficult day for me. I hate to say it but it's almost like PMS really with all the hormone shifts. I spoke to my endo and he suggested that I use some Testim on that day. The thing is I'm getting my levels checks tomorrow morning. The lower they are the more likely I'll get the okay for a high dose of T and more frequent injection which is exactly what I think I need.
So an update on me. My mother is back in my life and being cruel and vindictive as usual. I am torn because I do want her to have a relationship with my children if she wants too but on the other hand she treats me like something she would scrap off the bottom of her shoe. I allowed her to come over to see them and while we waited for the kids to come off the bus she was screaming at me.
Started out by blaming me for taking her daughter away. Which is fair enough and I understand that but she says these things in such a vicious horrible way. She claims that all my relatives called her offering her condolences as if I died after I came out. I don't know if that's true. She does tend to exaggerate and twist everything in a way to make herself the martyr. I've tired to explain to them what's going on but I'm not sure they want to listen any more than she does. She says I am a victim of all the 'lies' that I believe and that everything about this disgusts and revolts her beyond words. Then the normal abomination against God's plan. That I was created as a woman and any deviation from it is a sin. I told her that whatever I am doing is between God and me and she has nothing to do with it. She told me like she's been telling me all my life I'm not Christian enough to have any determination about what God wants for me. As if she has any right to judge that.
She went on to screech that I am going to corrupt my children with my horrible ways. That she is going to do her best to 'save them' from my partner and I. But even then she doesn't think it's going to be enough. Now it's this bit that really bothers both my partner and I. It seriously sounds like she is going to attempt to under mind our roles as parents. She always takes the boys out to the park and to eat without my partner or I. Who knows what she is saying to them? It really worries us because this is hard enough without adding stress and confusion to the children.
I tried to explain to her that children from same sex relationships come out just as good if not better than kids from opposite sex relationships. She screamed in my face that was all lies. That in fact they come out gay. Which is ridiculous, everyone knows that is ridiculous I thought. Anything I site from the American Paediatrics or any other reputable source she declares is 'lies' unless it agrees with her. So if she just says everything is a lie then what's the point of arguing any more? I really don't know.
So we have decided to cut her out until she agrees to meet with a therapist with me. A neutral party. She wanted me to meet with an anti-trans therapist but I'm not about to set myself up for that kind of abuse. She refused to go to mine before because he wasn't Christian enough (that again) because a Christian would only condemn me not be neutral. Perhaps eventually she's agree to go if it means seeing the kids.
It has been explained to me over and over again that she is never going to accept me. That she never really has even before I started my transition. That holding out some hope for that is what is causing me so much misery. I am really starting to believe that but it's so tough. Why is it so much to ask for my Mother to love me? Why is that so hard for her?
In other news I still remain mostly ambiguous to most people. I still get the occasional ma'am which is a spirit breaker but I get the odd 'sir' or 'man' which is always a good thing. So it goes I hope as I keep on taking T it will keep on being less of the first and more of the second. Not much to do but wait on that one and do the best I can to build up my body.
Speaking of which my partner seems to think that it is impossible to get any sort of procedure done for less than $15,000. Which means I probably won't be able to afford top surgery until 2012 which makes me honestly want to jump off a bridge. I mean another whole year with these tumours on my chest? We have no actual idea of how much it costs but we've had some things done recently that ended up extremely expensive. My tubal ligation cost about $16,000 and that was partly covered by insurance. My youngest son had an adenoidectomy which was also around the same price. Insane. Chances are top surgery won't be covered by insurance and so we need to have that money on hand. It's depressing all around. Hopefully I'm going to figure out some way around it but I don't know.
One last thing since I've told you everything else. lol Sometimes I do go stir crazy just sitting here at home not doing anything. I need to get out and so I head off to a gay bar called Hunters. It is in the Chicago suburbs so I don't have to go all the way into the city which is nice. I do meet guys there and talk which is really all I want. The problem is I never really follow up with them. I'm afraid that if they found out I'm not what they expect they would be angry maybe even violent. I'm not sure if I should be honest at the start or what. I don't feel I'm lying when I introduce myself with my male name because that's who I am.
The thing is I like Hunter's but it is a very transphobic place. The guys that talk to me say horrible things about the MTF's in there and even the odd straight girl that comes to dance and have a good time gets seriously looked down at. They are vicious and the things they say and I stick up for everyone and they stop with the comments but now I know how they feel about transgender people. It just makes it impossible for me to be honest. So I really end up meeting no one and it really sucks. I would go into the city but that's so much more trouble with the parking and so on.
So I think that's enough for now. Thanks for reading!
