I dont post much here on the site, i just linger and absorb info like a sponge. I really want to go the route of hrt and start getting my life on track, but its taking so long! I also cant stand it, knowing that my family within a 1,000 mile radius do not support me and my therapist keeps trying to downplay my situation. Ive tried looking for a support group but all i can find is one in atlanta that meets once a month. The details are much more complicated but i just need to vent my frustration.... I cant even talk to my own mother about this situation. she tells me not to worry, and that im a boy. It hurts so much.... There are also many things in my past that are biting me really bad now. This one time, when i was working, a trans women walked into the restaurant to eat, it was the first time a trans women had eaten in my restaurant, all my employees made so much fun of her. While that was going on, i was debating on trying to start up a conversation because i looked up to her for being bold and strong, and maybe get a little direction on what to do. I feel so guilty for not trying to strike up a conversation. But at the same time i feel extremely guilty because i did what all the other guys did and ridiculed her for what she was trying to accomplish. I feel ashamed of myself. Its been almost a year since that has happened... And trust me, it has never left my head.... knowing that i could have a friend to talk to about my problems would be great, but i totally threw that option away in the past, just to keep my pride inflated.... I remember reading a bible scripture on pride, it was out of Proverbs 16:18 "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." Talk about true in my situation. Its crazy because i wait for her to come again so maybe i could get some guidance as she has already accomplished more than i have. Back to the original situation, its lonely out here. Its becoming very depressing knowing that there's not much support around here. It makes it hard as well when i try to leave my girlfriend but i cant cause shes semi suicidal. I broke off our engagement and she picked up her old cutting habit again. I cant wait for her to start collage, so maybe she will find someone that will take care of her but wont hurt her as much as i have. So much negativity right now. I hate it. sometimes i feel like dealing with being a guy is easier than trying to change with the situation as it is right now. I also felt as if i created all these issues for me. Instead of expressing who i am in private with my family throughout my life, i tried adapting to a guys life but its not working. I needed that all off my chest. well, im off to work now...
