Feeling very blue today

[Cruelladeville]

The road less travelled... is a long and arduous one....

But the blues thank god, for most of us are only temporary Melody (though getting through them can seem arduously torturous in the eye of the storm)...

And though I've had a wonderful life as a woman - I completely transitioned over 20 years ago - this year sees me almost back to square one again, with my 'normal' life on hold... with a return to multiple surgeries as I hit my early fifties... as I intend to be a sassy-ole-bitch for another good decade or two.... *s->-bleeped-<-s*

In May/June I did major 26 teeth/jaw oral surgery, 6 weeks to get through 3 of which in Budapest...now Labiaplasty and body contouring in AZ - one op down next one on the 14th...(ouch) - and end-o-year 2010 Xmas a facelift with a few FFS tweaks....so I'm just about half-way through the schedule....gruelling is an understatement!!

So today, 4th day post op labiaplasty... I'm still hotel room bound, with only the laptop & iPod player keeping me compos-mentis, (plus the wonderful usual suspects on the Susan's forums to chat along to).....that and my cell phone, albeit my window for talking with mates is tiny as though its midday here in AZ, its gone 8pm already in London...

I've had a minor complication, (bugger/damn/blast) and really freaked myself late last nite, while peaking deeper inside myself for the first time, putting on the 'Bacitracin' I found a nice large pea sized blood-clot staring back at me!!

So once more the tears started a flowing....lol

Thankfully the lovely Ms. Takata (Dr M staff stalwart)... helped me down from the hyperventilation point.... and checked me legs in stirrups this morning...she's seen them before, they're par for the course occasionally with some of us gals...apparently? Just too many darned blood vessels in that uber sensitive area....

So it's another goodie-bag full of pads and creams in case it bursts... and once more ice and sit it out..... 

But the key point of the story being...that no mater how far along our personal life journey's we be....bad days must we all endure....its all part of the natural balance.!

But heck, look out at the amazing sky, be blown away by a sunset... and simply marvel at the never-ending beauty of our planet...open a window and feel the wind and sun on yer face....take a step outside...

And go live.....

[Melody Maia]

I don't like to get sweaty at all, but that's one of life's many inconveniences. Three miles a day though... that's a lot. Oh, and you're going to increase it soon.

You have oodles of willpower over me. I don't think I could ever get myself to maintain that kind of regimen. But you've already lost 10 lbs! Keep at it. You're doing fabulous! 

Thanks. I was a cross country runner in high school and the stamina has not totally left me. Back in those days, I used to be able to run 5 miles a day at 7:30 mile pace and a single mile in 5 minute or a 5K race over hills in about 19:30. I'm a lot slower now Lost a lot of weight back then (50lbs or so) too to be able to do that. Sad thing was that none of the girls seemed to care about my new body. Seems more obvious now that I was just giving off a non-masculine aura or something. Girls always treated me as friends.

Anyway, 3 miles has always been the magic number for me to lose weight in great big gobs. I was afraid to get on the scale last night because I had been decidedly bad with the eating this week. Still running, but eating out to much. Lo and behold, I lost more weight than last week! Color me shocked. Weight loss now up to about 14lbs. now.

I also wanted to relay a touching moment for me today. My wife has been having a hard time of it, as you can imagine, but today we went out to lunch and had a good time. Afterwards, went out to the car and she had bought me a present. Some very nice heels from DSW. She called it the first thing she has every bought Melody. This was a big deal to me and her and I hugged her and nearly cried. I am sure I would have if it wasn't for this damn T running through my system!

One last thing, Jaemi if that is you in your avatar, you are already stunning!

[Melody Maia]

I know exactly what you are going through Melody. Not because I've been there, but because I am there right now. I read your post and it felt so much like reading my own. I haven't received any sort of date on my hormones yet, but I have had a psychological assessment. The psychologist diagnosed everything I already knew, I have GID and Dysthymia from early childhood. I've been keeping my head recently though mainly because I can a glimmer at the end of a very long and all-consuming dark tunnel.

What helps for myself, which I don't know if it will for you, is keeping myself occupied enough that I won't really think about it that much other than holing on to the knowledge that I am finally making some progress toward either freeing myself from the hell of living this way or at least making it a little less unbearable. Basically I just keep thinking of how nice it will feel at the end. Focus ahead and not where I am now.

So, my advice, for whatever it's worth, is do whatever it is that person you want to be or that part of yourself you want to let out, and do it enough to where it will carry you through the bad times and keep your mind on the goal and how fulfilling it will be. Do NOT ever think of how long it take to get there.

Also, if you have any family and/or friends, get used to the idea of letting them go. I'm not saying do it, but get used to the idea of letting them go so that if it does happen, it won't crush you when or if it does happen.

Anyway, take whatever you can out of that advice and I hope it helps. I've already vented recently, so I won't mope to all of you.

Forgot to mention, yes, I am prepared to lose friends and family. However, I have already come out to several and the experience has been positive. My youngest sister is very supportive and I don't really have much fear of rejection from the rest. My wife has come out to her sister and that has gone well. We have also come out to our closest married couple friends and one other friend, all with great love and support. This was the group we expected to react that way though. My wife's mom and sister, that will probably be another story. The rest of our friends I have no clue about. No doubt pain lies ahead.

[Melody Maia]

Forgot to mention, yes, I am prepared to lose friends and family. However, I have already come out to several and the experience has been positive. My youngest sister is very supportive and I don't really have much fear of rejection from the rest of my side of the family. My wife has come out to her sister and that has gone well. We have also come out to our closest married couple friends and one other friend, all with great love and support. This was the group we expected to react that way though. My wife's mom and sister, that will probably be another story. The rest of our friends I have no clue about. No doubt pain lies ahead.

[Melody Maia]

The road less travelled... is a long and arduous one....

But the blues thank god, for most of us are only temporary Melody (though getting through them can seem arduously torturous in the eye of the storm)...

And though I've had a wonderful life as a woman - I completely transitioned over 20 years ago - this year sees me almost back to square one again, with my 'normal' life on hold... with a return to multiple surgeries as I hit my early fifties... as I intend to be a sassy-ole-bitch for another good decade or two.... *s->-bleeped-<-s*

In May/June I did major 26 teeth/jaw oral surgery, 6 weeks to get through 3 of which in Budapest...now Labiaplasty and body contouring in AZ - one op down next one on the 14th...(ouch) - and end-o-year 2010 Xmas a facelift with a few FFS tweaks....so I'm just about half-way through the schedule....gruelling is an understatement!!

So today, 4th day post op labiaplasty... I'm still hotel room bound, with only the laptop & iPod player keeping me compos-mentis, (plus the wonderful usual suspects on the Susan's forums to chat along to).....that and my cell phone, albeit my window for talking with mates is tiny as though its midday here in AZ, its gone 8pm already in London...

I've had a minor complication, (bugger/damn/blast) and really freaked myself late last nite, while peaking deeper inside myself for the first time, putting on the 'Bacitracin' I found a nice large pea sized blood-clot staring back at me!!

So once more the tears started a flowing....lol

Thankfully the lovely Ms. Takata (Dr M staff stalwart)... helped me down from the hyperventilation point.... and checked me legs in stirrups this morning...she's seen them before, they're par for the course occasionally with some of us gals...apparently? Just too many darned blood vessels in that uber sensitive area....

So it's another goodie-bag full of pads and creams in case it bursts... and once more ice and sit it out..... 

But the key point of the story being...that no mater how far along our personal life journey's we be....bad days must we all endure....its all part of the natural balance.!

But heck, look out at the amazing sky, be blown away by a sunset... and simply marvel at the never-ending beauty of our planet...open a window and feel the wind and sun on yer face....take a step outside...

And go live.....

I have been keeping up with the posts on your surgery. You are a witty, intelligent and unbelievably strong women. I am finding depths of strength myself that surprise me, but you leave me in awe.

[Cruelladeville]

For you Melody...

(A thought from someone far wiser than me)... to comfort you on your own unique journey...

'Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries, without them humanity cannot survive'...

[Jamiee]

One last thing, Jaemi if that is you in your avatar, you are already stunning!

Oh. You don't... yes you do... you should know perfectly well how much I wish that were true. Unfortunately, it isn't. It's a girl I used to chat with online many moons ago. It's also kind of an ideal I've set in my mind of what I wish to look like. Unfortunately, that won't happen either with modern science. I'm quite a bit larger than she was at the time. She was fairly petite. I'm like 5'9''-5'10'' if standing and weigh about 230 lbs. While I'm not hugely fat, I am not at all slim and only in the most unusual of circumstances can I be confused for a woman. Then that is surely only until I speak.

Anyway, I am also bound to a wheelchair. I've spent the last 20+ years apathetically destroying my body and it's about like stopping a landslide to stop the momentum now. But, I'm trying.

You certainly have my respect though. Cross country running is some rough work. That was a very touching thing your wife did, so sweet of her.

[ggina]

And that really depresses me, I prefer 1000 times an estrogen-induced depression, crying and zero libido, but knowing my feminization is working

agree! Feelin' blue can indeed be a good sign, come to think of it Try androcur, btw, but I've already said that. And yes, I'll stop taking that before surgery, it's good to have your advice. Although my doc hasn't told me to but being more careful never hurts.

However, I've never cried while on E but instead laughed more, like you now. I used to cry when I wasn't on it. Go figure. And it's much cheaper than pot. If this goes on I'll go casting for the Joker in the next Batman movie

g

[Colleen Ireland]

I used to cry when I wasn't on it.

Yes, that's the number one thing that's been happening with me since I "woke up" (ended my denial/came out to myself) - I will cry just out of the blue.  Usually just silent tears, forming at the corners of my eyes.  At first I thought it was a reaction to realizing how seldom I've been happy in the past 30+ years of marriage, but then I began to realize that the GID was NOT "ancient history" as I had supposed.  So yeah... I cannot WAIT to experience what E and T-blockers can do...