It has only been about 6 weeks since I even realized and admitted to myself that I had transgender issues, and only about 4 or 5 weeks since I actually came out to my spouse, and almost 3 weeks since I formally introduced myself to Susan's.
My spouse and I are still trying to talk and plan through through the steps we're taking, and wait until we're both ready to move to the next milestone. For anyone who's read some of my posts, you'll know I still present as male in public, but I go in daytime makeup and mixed womens/ mens wear, with painted nails, and even a purse - because I wouldn't be caught dead looking like that old slob. As far as the beard issue goes, well, for now - the beard stays.
It will eventually get shaved as we move further down the path. We have actually discussed ultimately zapping it later on down the road -- and my spouse has even offered to wax my body hair (not sure if I'm that much of a glutton for pain
)-- we just haven't quite reached that marker in the path yet. Hell we've even begun to discuss the hormones and surgeries we may potentially like to see further down the road.
Coming out has been a pretty big bomb for Jennypenny (if you haven't met her yet, that's her name on the forum) but luckily I am blessed that she also has a very open mind - she just never considered this was a possibility for
me, and in the last few weeks she has shared with me that she (like me), is committed to our marriage and family, and she will support and love me no matter what but is (I think rightfully so) scared about how it will affect our children's school friends and also our extended familial relationships (who have made it abundantly clear on various occasions that they are religiously straight-arrow and completely intolerant about any gender-bending or LGBT issues - e.g. they campaigned and contributed a lot to the yes on prop 8 campaign
). I've found through other "coming out" experiences (coming out to them as no longer part of their religion) it is generally better to be
out rather than imprisoned in others' preconceived notions about yourself. Can't say I'm personally super brave though either
since this is a little different issue, and I think that coming out to friends, co-workers and others may help me to break the ice before I tackle coming out to either of our own parents / grandparents /siblings.
For now, I'm still not in any rush to Transition or go Full Time - and the pace we've set seems fine. Don't get me wrong, if my fairy godmother showed up I would totally be OK if she'd just ::poof:: me into a girl body and let the shrapnel fly. As far as reality goes, for now I am enjoying exploring my feminine side and sharing with my girlfriends, and making new friends here at Susan's and elsewhere, getting ideas and learning from you all and cheering your successes, trying to learn from your challenges and offering my hugs and support during the hard times.
For me, just exploring all of the possibilities that I missed from being overly male / depressed, has helped me to become more in touch with my emerging identity; spending time in the makeup section, buying lingerie for myself from Victoria Secret (and wearing it), learning and doing my own makeup, taking care of my nails, matching and coordinating my outfits, carrying a purse (or is it a manbag?- prolly not if it is full of skincare and makeup products...), shopping for, purchasing, exploring and wearing women's clothing (online, offline and via catalogs), using my old boy clothes in different ways (cuffing my old jeans so they are the length of a long capri is a new one), treating my body, skin and hair right, finally getting off my depressed butt and losing some weight and eating right, fully dressing in women's wear at home (without a wig yet, and of course still sportin' the beard) and even around the kids, I've even caught myself singing loud and proud to what I used to term my "guilty pleasure" 'girlie' music, I've enjoyed going clothes shopping with my daughter and helping her with her makeup and nails- (which she is so happy about finally having a parent who cares about girlie stuff.) - I am so happy to finally allow myself to be a male woman and parent right now and am looking forward to additional milestones so that I can show the world the woman inside of this big lug of a guy's body.
I'm still shopping for a therapist and may have found one that I'll be getting a consultation with in the next few weeks. I have decided on a few work friends / allies to share my story with so yea, I think I'm feeling like I'm making personal progress and am continually in a better and better place with myself and my life every day.
I really feel like I have found the missing piece of "me" that was lurking inside all along. The depressed man disappeared when the self-aware woman took over. She's the one driving the bus now, even if the bus needs an overhaul, the whole bus isn't broke and even some parts are already working better!
Sorry about the long post - if you've made it this far thanks for sticking with me -- sometimes I just start typing and the need to "get it out" and the word avalanche ensues.
