dating questions

[amandax]

My therapist recommend me to start to make friends, even dating outside T-community as Amanda to buildup my confidence, to explore my sex-orientation possibilities (I see mine start to chang during the transition, but still not sure what I really end up ),  and cope with my loneliess.  it seems a good idea to me, but I just don't know how to start, even not sure if I need to start untill I have SRS or at least half year in fulltime.  should I sign up some dating site? such as match.com? or any good recommendation? Or any things I should be careful?

I haven't been in a relationship since I seperated with my ex 4 yrs ago, and because my this gender problem I became to isolate my self from outside. Now I am getting to fully brace who I am , I really like to have some one to be close with.

[Shang]

If you want to do online dating, OKCupid.com seems to be pretty good and it's free.  You have to pay for Match.com and EHarmony is notorious for being discriminatory, or so I'v heard.

You could also try joining clubs or taking a class at a local community college and just trying to meet new people first.

Good luck with everything though!

[Epigania]

E-harmony purposely doesn't match same sex couples.   They were sued for discrimination and the courts ordered them to make a site for same sex couples.   The site is called www.compatiblepartners.net and it does pretty much the same thing E-harmony does, but will match you up with a same sex person.

[Kev]

And be careful about dates and stuff, and about where you go out. If you feel weird with somebody, just break it up and leave. Make sure you take good care of yourself and beware of hate crime.

[Cowboi]

While it may not be a permanent choice I'd check out some gay or lesbian bars, with all of the allies in the community and it being more common to see people blurring gender lines (such as drag queens and kings) it tends to be a good way to make new friends and possibly even meet some open minded people for dating. I would definitely test the waters of the GLBT community in your area first though, there are known to be some areas where they are unfriendly about people who are not gay frequenting their personal spaces like their bars.

Being part of the gay community before I came out gave me an automatic community when I did come out, I had the same friends for the most part and many of the same prospects for dating that I had before although it tended to lean more towards the bisexual women I'd known rather than the lesbians. It was also easier to meet straight people through them because their allies tend to be knowledgeable and open to trans people more than people who are close minded about sexual orientation to begin with.

Always leave if you don't feel comfortable, always be willing to test the waters first if you think that is necessary (even if it means presenting as your physical gender the first time out somewhere and having discussions to see how the people in that particular hang out feel about transsexuals). When it comes to dating my advice is to be open from the start, maybe not the very first date but if it seems like more than one date is in order and there is a common interest there meet to have "the talk" about your identity. It will ensure that if you end up with a relationship it will be someone who is open minded to who you are physically as well as ensure a respectful and supportive relationship in the long run.

[Izumi]

A lot of people suggest online dating.  I have found other then maybe eharmony it is filled with the dregs of society.  If you want a good man, then go to places of your own interest.  For example, maybe you like cycling, join a cycling club, there will be single guys there, some may ask you out.  I mean i found my fiance playing a video game and i wasnt even looking for someone, he found me.  Date to see if you like each other, when it gets serious you have to tell them though.  I am also pre-op btw, in july i will be post op if everything goes well.

Anyway, hope that helps.

[JennX]

My therapist recommend me to start to make friends, even dating outside T-community as Amanda to buildup my confidence, to explore my sex-orientation possibilities (I see mine start to chang during the transition, but still not sure what I really end up ),  and cope with my loneliess.  it seems a good idea to me, but I just don't know how to start, even not sure if I need to start untill I have SRS or at least half year in fulltime.  should I sign up some dating site? such as match.com? or any good recommendation? Or any things I should be careful?

I haven't been in a relationship since I seperated with my ex 4 yrs ago, and because my this gender problem I became to isolate my self from outside. Now I am getting to fully brace who I am , I really like to have some one to be close with.

You definitely don't need to wait for SRS or much of anything really. I'm preop MTF, but have lived "full-time" (I really hate that phrase) for several years and I date quite often. It isn't as tough or hard as you might initially imagine. Online sites can be hit or miss, and if you do ever make a connection, always meet the person in a large public place in daylight. No dark, midnight rendezvous in a dark bar somewhere. Basically just use common sense. Match, Chemistry, et al are about the same. As for being careful, just be upfront and let people know what they are getting into. My personal pet peeve is married guys who forget or lie about being married when asked. I've run in to this issue several times.

A lot of people suggest online dating.  I have found other then maybe eharmony it is filled with the dregs of society.  If you want a good man, then go to places of your own interest.  For example, maybe you like cycling, join a cycling club, there will be single guys there, some may ask you out.  I mean i found my fiance playing a video game and i wasnt even looking for someone, he found me.  Date to see if you like each other, when it gets serious you have to tell them though.  I am also pre-op btw, in july i will be post op if everything goes well.

Anyway, hope that helps.

This is good advice. Like attracts like. So whatever hobbies or pastimes or places you like to go to have fun and relax are probably a great place to look for a special someone.

[Cowboi]

A lot of people suggest online dating.  I have found other then maybe eharmony it is filled with the dregs of society.  If you want a good man, then go to places of your own interest.  For example, maybe you like cycling, join a cycling club, there will be single guys there, some may ask you out.  I mean i found my fiance playing a video game and i wasnt even looking for someone, he found me.  Date to see if you like each other, when it gets serious you have to tell them though.  I am also pre-op btw, in july i will be post op if everything goes well.

Anyway, hope that helps.

I agree, that is good advice. Honestly I have never met someone online and dated them. All of my serious relationships have been people I met in my day to day life by chance. My fiancee and I met at a local support group for trans people. I actually wasn't even there for the group, I was simply at the place it was held because I was a member of another group that met there before their group did. When I was standing outside talking with friends afterward someone showed up for the trans meeting who I knew, we began talking and they introduced me to the friend they had with them... who is now my fiancee.

The girl before her I met in a GLBT youth support group. Before her the woman I dated I met through a friend when they came by my place to hang out. The woman I dated before that? We met at a local theater group while performing in a play.

Dating kind of happens naturally even though it doesn't really seem like it does.

[sneakersjay]

Pre-transition I tried dating sites, and then post-transition as well.  Big fat ZERO.  I went on 2 dates from online dating (ie real dates).

I see people all around me in and out of relationships like they change their clothes.  I guess I'm more picky than that, in the sense that I'm more relationship oriented and not casual... I can't see emotionally investing myself unless I really like someone, and would hate to emotionally invest myself several times a year as these people seem to do!

Casual dating where meeting over coffee with different people doesn't appeal to me either.  So if I'm going to meet someone and have a relationship, it will likely be someone I meet IRL.

I dont' get casual relationships at all.  Friends, yes. but dating, no.


Jay

[Debra]

My therapist recommend me to start to make friends, even dating outside T-community as Amanda to buildup my confidence, to explore my sex-orientation possibilities (I see mine start to chang during the transition, but still not sure what I really end up ),  and cope with my loneliess.  it seems a good idea to me, but I just don't know how to start, even not sure if I need to start untill I have SRS or at least half year in fulltime.  should I sign up some dating site? such as match.com? or any good recommendation? Or any things I should be careful?

I haven't been in a relationship since I seperated with my ex 4 yrs ago, and because my this gender problem I became to isolate my self from outside. Now I am getting to fully brace who I am , I really like to have some one to be close with.

I tried a few dating sites but I ended up just using OKCupid.com. They seem to have the right idea...everything's free, whereas most other sites require you to pay to talk to other people. In my profile, I have played with not telling people I'm trans and telling them. Either way, I usually like to tell them before we meet in person, for safety purposes.

It's hard dating and being trans. So many guys get to the point where they want to take me on a date and then they find that out and suddenly it's "lets be friends" or "do you have any gfs I could date?" . Also there are the ->-bleeped-<-s who are only after you because you are a woman with male anatomy....which is frustrating for me because I don't want to be loved for that.

There are plenty of good, understanding guys out there though. I just haven't found the right one yet.

[amandax]

Thanks for the good advices. Them are very helpful. I just sign up the OKcupid and other my local non-T meetup groups which  match my personal interests. Hope I can have some good progress report to you later    

[Cowboi]

Randomly I just have to say that our three trans women who have their pics in their avatars on this thread (Izumi, Jerica & Amandax) all are very pretty women. You girls are definitely doing something right

[milktea]

A lot of people suggest online dating.  I have found other then maybe eharmony it is filled with the dregs of society.  If you want a good man, then go to places of your own interest.  For example, maybe you like cycling, join a cycling club, there will be single guys there, some may ask you out.  I mean i found my fiance playing a video game and i wasnt even looking for someone, he found me.  Date to see if you like each other, when it gets serious you have to tell them though.  I am also pre-op btw, in july i will be post op if everything goes well.

i second izumi and cowboi. i don't really believe in dating sites as there are just so many wierdos out there the chances of meeting the right one for you is like one out of thousands...and there is always the illusion that someone online is suitable for you after spending months or even years talking and then finding things are not the same when you actually meet in person. too timewasting for me.

so i would suggest going to hobby groups or even people you meet at work may be potential relationships. but i wouldn't suggest anyone purposely go looking for a relationship because it'll cut out all the fun of the 'finding him/her when i least expect it' factor!

[Cowboi]

so i would suggest going to hobby groups or even people you meet at work may be potential relationships. but i wouldn't suggest anyone purposely go looking for a relationship because it'll cut out all the fun of the 'finding him/her when i least expect it' factor!

Best advice I ever got in life was from an older male friend when I was 14, "Love will find you when you stop looking for it." And it was true. I didn't meet my current fiancee until I was already engaged to another woman who just wasn't right for me (she cheated on me several times and despite being bisexual couldn't deal with life without a "penis" for sexual gratification).

Bianca and I actually fell in love while I was still in a relationship, the first night we spent hanging out was at a fundraising event for Night of a Thousand Stars (a big AIDs benefit for anyone who hasn't heard of it before). Where I live they throw a huge ball/black tie kind of event and it's one of the biggest events for th GLBT community all year long. I had met Bianca once before, months before this event, and had not really gotten her out of my mind but didn't really have a reason why. At that point it had not even crossed my mind that I wasn't going to marry the woman I was with.

Anyhow the story goes like this, my current fiancee and I attended together and when we got there someone told me that Bianca was there, apparently just moments before someone had told her I had arrived. This was odd because neither of us had spoken to anyone of having any interest in even being friends with each other. My immediate response was "Where?" Her response was "Behind you." From the moment I turned around and saw her standing behind me there has never been any doubt that I wanted to spend my life with her. The event was on December 6th, on Christmas eve my fiancee and I broke up, I was single for the 30 minutes it took to drive to Bianca's apartment where I told her I was officially a single man (she had been very concerned about being "the other woman") and she told me, "No, you're not." That was how she chose to tell me she was in love with me for the first time lol. I moved in with her the week after Christmas and we've never been apart since. I proposed to her the next year at the same event we met at. That first Christmas eve with her we openly discussed marriage and knew from the beginning that is where we planned to take this relationship.

So after sharing the horribly cute story of how we ended up together I guess my point is/was that it wasn't expected. Neither of us were looking for the other one and neither of us was looking for love. We met naturally from a friend and ran into each other naturally at an event for a cause that interests both of us.

Love just happens.

[ggina]

and she told me, "No, you're not."

I love that

The online dating sites, those were found out to help people who don't really socialize in other ways. I think if you're an introvert like that, you don't have any other choice to find a partner. But over the years these sites became full with other kind of people as well and it got very hard for the introverts to find each other. The problem is, these other people don't usually take the online thing very seriously for the very reason that they are more the IRL type. So that's why there are so many sex-addicts, married men, etc. And the women, they're always looking for the perfect match, they have their expectations up in the skies because this is only a second chance to meeting someone in real life and they don't care if the online part isn't succesful.

Hobby groups? Yeah. The first thing I'll do when full-time is to join a cycling club and then go to the front of the pack right on the first meeting. Assuming, I'll be having a nice booty by then Okay, it's not the surest way for someone to find the love of their life but as a first step to draw some attention it's certainly a good trick. And as a second step, we can talk about the weather, yes

g

[Debra]

Randomly I just have to say that our three trans women who have their pics in their avatars on this thread (Izumi, Jerica & Amandax) all are very pretty women. You girls are definitely doing something right

Thank you! =)

[amandax]

"Best advice I ever got in life was from an older male friend when I was 14, "Love will find you when you stop looking for it."

I am getting stronger believe in it. I have feeling that my love will come by fate, I just need to wait while try to focus on myself, try enjoy my own life. somehow, sometime, somewhere, I will meet my one  

I tried okcupid.com, and got some attentions, but unhonestly, somehow I really don't have the good feeling on that ( such as the people who send messages to me, and this whole online matching thing to me).  Now I am more focussing on my hobby groups, which I mainly want to make my life colorful and knowing new friends as Amanda. Finding a relationship through them?? maybe, but I don't want to think much of that, just let fate lead me.

[Izumi]

"Best advice I ever got in life was from an older male friend when I was 14, "Love will find you when you stop looking for it."

I am getting stronger believe in it. I have feeling that my love will come by fate, I just need to wait while try to focus on myself, try enjoy my own life. somehow, sometime, somewhere, I will meet my one  

I tried okcupid.com, and got some attentions, but unhonestly, somehow I really don't have the good feeling on that ( such as the people who send messages to me, and this whole online matching thing to me).  Now I am more focussing on my hobby groups, which I mainly want to make my life colorful and knowing new friends as Amanda. Finding a relationship through them?? maybe, but I don't want to think much of that, just let fate lead me.

Good way to look at it.  I was dating through websites and just found low quality men really.  Especially TS dating sites.  I found i met more nice guys just going to parties i was invited to or just doing things i liked.  Its nice because your not soliciting really, they are coming to you because they think YOU look good to them and they would like to get to know you.  So already a plus.  As for my fiance, i met him playing a FPS video game... So truly love can happen anywhere.

[milktea]

but amandex if you are pre-srs things can be trickier, cos even if you find someone you like you will have to break the news to him eventually (which i suppose is better than being found out)...no i think it's not easy at all, not something you can start off with 'by the way...'

[katgirl74]

I pretty much avoided dating prior to my SRS, but as I got closer to the time I started trying out the on-line dating sites, just putting up profile and seeing what would happen, mostly on OK Cupid. I actually got a response to my ad the morning of my surgery, but wasn't able to respond until 6 days later. Long story short, we are going on three months of dating and it worked out better than I could have imagined. Outside of that, I have been involved in a lot of stuff outside dating, social groups etc. I'm definitely more active and social now that I was prior to transition, you just gotta get out there and live life!