Looking the Look

[Maddi]

Ok, Now that I have come out to my friend I am wanting to start dressing more often (when I have time that is.) The biggest set back on me dressing is that when I get it all on (my wifes panties, bra, and my favorite skirt and top) I feel great, until I look in the mirror. Part of how I look is so that people won't suspect what I feel.

So I was wondering, when you all first started this path how did you build your confidence? 

[Alexmakenoise]

So far, I've been building my confidence by talking to people who understand, or are accepting.  It feels really good to hear people I'm close to acknowledge that I'm a guy, or even just let me present as a guy without treating me any differently than they would otherwise.  It's great to hear people say I look good as a guy.

Actually, sometimes people who mean harm end up boosting my confidence about transitioning.  When people try to give me a hard time for not acting female, it just makes it clearer to me that I'm really not female, that I'm actually male and need to acknowledge this more openly.

[Colleen Ireland]

The biggest set back on me dressing is that when I get it all on (my wifes panties, bra, and my favorite skirt and top) I feel great, until I look in the mirror. Part of how I look is so that people won't suspect what I feel.

So I was wondering, when you all first started this path how did you build your confidence?

First of all, girl, Please get yourself your own lingerie!  And when you say "your" favorite skirt and top, do they belong to your wife also?  Nothing builds confidence like having your own wardrobe.  Of course, confidence also comes from within.  I've only barely begun my journey, and I've only actually been dressed a few times, I have only lipstick for makeup, and I know I'm not even close to passing, but I've been dressed for my therapist, my trans support group, and a couple of trans friends, and I felt great each time.  Of course, these are all very safe environments, I'm quite a ways away yet, I think, from going OUT in the world, but that day is coming.  Last night at my support group, I had a great moment, after I had changed back into my "guy" outfit.  I went back into the room to see if my friend had left (she had), and the facilitator yelled out, "Hey, anybody seen Colleen around?"  That made me feel really good.  She was being cute, of course, but it got a laugh.  I guess part of it is, don't take yourself too seriously.  Have fun!

[Rayalisse]

First of all, girl, Please get yourself your own lingerie!  And when you say "your" favorite skirt and top, do they belong to your wife also?  Nothing builds confidence like having your own wardrobe.  Of course, confidence also comes from within.  I've only barely begun my journey, and I've only actually been dressed a few times, I have only lipstick for makeup, and I know I'm not even close to passing, but I've been dressed for my therapist, my trans support group, and a couple of trans friends, and I felt great each time.  Of course, these are all very safe environments, I'm quite a ways away yet, I think, from going OUT in the world, but that day is coming.  Last night at my support group, I had a great moment, after I had changed back into my "guy" outfit.  I went back into the room to see if my friend had left (she had), and the facilitator yelled out, "Hey, anybody seen Colleen around?"  That made me feel really good.  She was being cute, of course, but it got a laugh.  I guess part of it is, don't take yourself too seriously.  Have fun!

Great story Colleen!  I can't wait to start socializing more en femme.  I've been such a shut-in for the last 15 years I hardly have any real-life acquaintances other than family.

I agree - it's important to get your own things also, so that you can define your own feminine style and don't have to look like your wife too!  (Mine wasn't too keen on me wearing her undie's either, and also asked that I get non-matching ones (to hers) so we can differentiate them easily in the laundry)  I have a basic makeup kit, got my nails/toes done and have invested in skincare, haircare, body wash, deodorant and perfume so I don't smell manly and also so I can get my skin feeling nice and smooth.  I went to The Body Shop and the shop attendants were perfect, helpful and attentive, and helped me to either understand what to look for or they wound up making a sale on the spot .  I bought a bunch of different styles of panties from walmart to try to figure out what cut and size fit me the best, and to get an idea of the different fabric options available.  Now that I know what I like, I can shop for higher-end (Vic Secret, etc..) lingerie in the cuts and fabrics I like and have amassed an underwear drawer that probably has triple the volume of my previous male undies.  Nice thing about lingerie is you can wear it even when dressing up as a boy and can feel more like a girl at least for that first layer underneath    As far as my clothing, generally for me right now its just jeans/capris and a cami or cute tshirt with an open button down / camp shirt layered over it.. I live in my birkenstocks so footwear is not difficult.  I do have a wrap that I love to lounge around in but haven't gotten the guts to go anywhere but to the mail box in otherwise.

btw I hardly ever shop at retail stores unless I am getting sale price.  (other than thrift/hospice stores) For example, just today I got an email from Lane Bryant that they are having a sale and I just picked out about $150 worth of knickers for $40 out the door, including direct shipping to my home and taxes.    If you know your sizes, fabrics and style it is a great idea to register on the merchant websites so when things go on sale you get an email to notify you of the good deals.  (but remember to be a savvy shopper, do some math and know that some offers are better than others).  Sometimes you even get special offers for registered users too! 

[Janet_Girl]

Get thyself to a Thrift store, woman.

Nothing better than your own clothing.  And Good will is most excellent.

[Cruelladeville]

Once more Raya you've given me my widest smile of the day so far.... 

*I hardly ever shop at retail stores unless I am getting sale price*....I'm sssooooo with you gurl on that score!...lol

In the UK we've TKMaxx it's great for quality designer shoe/bag and clothes at sale price bargains....most of my jeans come from there, my Firetraps are fun-fabi-dozee!

I think the problemo for early on in dress time girlies is they oft go down the CD fishnet stockings sexual route....which means open tops and too short skirts – as its such a ball to show off those long sort-after curves....

Trouble is kids...your peer group gals did all this aged 12-15 as teenie-weenies..... so you're instantly a dead give-away out-n-about....

If you work in a mixed sex office for sure...women uber police what's acceptable or not dress code wise.... as anything deemed overtly sexual as in provoking male colleague chaps for favouritism is slapped down way fast....

So my type would be for fun (early days) ok...if you be experimenting....what the heck go do it once or twice be a trailer-trash Barbie.... in the privacy of your own home... but if you want to be safe outdoors in the big wide world, see what women around your own age + or – 10 are wearing....

And if yer in great slim shape you can always get away with more uuumph....btw in the UK for tall women I'm 5' 8" there's the wonderful Long Tall Sally....

http://us.longtallsally.com/

I have items from them....

Clothes though should always be fun and 'you' that takes practice, practice and more practice (or a great personal shopper) and time to acquire.... and there's never any better time than the present...eh?

(That reminds me Victoria's Secret have a sale on in the local mall up the road)

Byeeeee!

[Janet_Girl]

OH and if it have one in your area.  Try Ross.

They have good prices and good quality.  But check them over carefully.  There is a reason the clothes are there.

As some friends say "Ross - Crossdress for less".  They happen to be CD.

[K8]

Like the others, let me emphasize that you need your own clothes.

As for confidence, going to accepting places will help build it - support groups, therapist, GLBT events.  Just going out in public with a good, accepting friend helps a lot.  Inch your way out of the closet.

And as the others have said - you want to look like a normal woman.  If at 2 pm you look like a drag queen left over from the night before, you will get stared at - guaranteed.

- Kate

[Rayalisse]

Once more Raya you've given me my widest smile of the day so far.... 

*I hardly ever shop at retail stores unless I am getting sale price*....I'm sssooooo with you gurl on that score!...lol

Its there's just so much a girl needs its a shame to pay full price.

I'm 5' 8" there's the wonderful Long Tall Sally....

http://us.longtallsally.com/

I am both a big and tall girl!  6'1" size 28 top / 22 bottom, 46 shoe (12 mens US / 14 women's US) thanks for the tip - I've added longtallsally to my favorite sites and will be off to browse, register and order a print catalog.  Its takes a lot of shopping to make this girl look right in clothes!!

Clothes though should always be fun and 'you' that takes practice, practice and more practice (or a great personal shopper) and time to acquire.... and there's never any better time than the present...eh?

I love that my wife is now looking through catalogs and finding stuff that is my style and recommending them to me, and telling me what does and doesn't (or definitely will not) work on my frame. 

She just found me a nice cute pair of fleece lounge pants with hearts and stars and flowers, and another with a "cute skull with pink bow" print.  She also found me a nice women's wallet to replace my big'ol leather wallet with an embossed elk on it lol. 

Off to shop!

[gennee]

I purchased all my own clothing. I have a sense of fashion so I purchased articles in which I would feel comfortable in. I attended support group meetings which helped me to understand what i was going through internally. Meeting other people meant that I wasn't alone.

Going out in public was the best education. I learned how to walk, to talk, the mannerisms, andhow to be comfortable in my own skin.

Gennee

[V M]

I'm liking the Long Tall Sally link 

[Rayalisse]

So I was wondering, when you all first started this path how did you build your confidence?

As far as what gives me confidence - Just going out with any "gender variant" clothing / accessories and seeing how many people just never even look at you is a relief - I thought everyone would look at me. Generally those who do get eye contact and a big smile from me, and sometimes a little "hello"... and they usually respond in kind - huge confidence booster.

For getting the nerves to leave the house the first few times I just kept telling myself  "You've only got one life and you decide your bliss.  You should be able to live and look how you want."  Once that message sunk in, and I got out and about, what a great sensation to let loose and be me. 

[Jennypenny]

Word of warning here.  I'm all for getting your own clothes, especially getting a good deal, but please remember the family finances/budget and make sure you can actually afford to shop. and please stay within a set budget.  Rayalisse was so excited to get some fem stuff, I didn't want to hold her back, and she went a little overboard.  We also had back-to-school costs for 3 kids, which included $300 buss-pass for our middle schooler, $100 each for field-trip funding for our Elementary schoolers, new shoes, new clothes, school supplies, etc.  Add to that, our car registration(outrageous for a family vehicle in CA), is due next month, and our older son's birthday is this weekend.  We've had a lot of medical expenses recently too, due to my health issues. We're having a real hard time making ends meet right now.  I do the finances in our household, always have. and I actually just got quite mad at her once I found out about the Lane Bryant purchase. We just didn't have the money, and I've been putting off getting myself some new undies because of it, and I need them desperately because I have psoriasis in some delicate areas that is aggrevated by friction/rubbing of my undies- I need a new style and know which one too, just haven't had the $ to buy them. I've been wearing the same 4 pair of panties over and over(washing in between of course) so as not to have this issue. I may not be a girly girl, but just 4 pair of panties is not enough and I'm sick of them. LOL! 

So please consult with your S/O or wife, or whatever, and come to an agreeable budget before you run off all shop-happy. 


TTFN,
Jenn

[Jennypenny]

Oh, and I'd love to use Raya's old wallet if it weren't so big.  I think its beautiful.  I picked it out.  But then, I tend to have more masculine tastes. We've not actually bought any of the things she's talking about, we just catalog shop together and dream.  Man, I would love to have $1000 to blow on a new wardrobe. I'm wearing the same clothes I was 5+ yrs ago.  With Christmas coming up, I LOVE catalog shopping with her and the kids.  It makes gift buying so much easier! I'm trying not to dip into my holiday savings to get us through. With 4 kids with "special needs", rising inflation, Raya not getting a real raise in 4 yrs, rising medical costs, etc, it's been hard staying afloat. I'm just so glad she's got a good job, we have decent health insurance(despite the difficulties I've had getting the care I need), we've managed to keep our home, and our kids are all healthy and happy.  We've gone back and forth on selling the house, but when it comes down to it, our autistic daughter needs consistency and she needs to stay in the same school, with the same friends she's had for years. My health woudln't allow for a move either, unless we paid movers to do just about everything.  We'll do all we can to keep our house.  The economy will recover evenually and we'll have equity again. 



Also, to get back to the subject of this thread, I wanted to share my favorite plus-size and tall clothing websites with you.  I know it's hard to find nice clothing when you're tall and/or big, so I hope some of the larger trans women like Raya can use these sites.  And, it's complete and utter bull->-bleeped-<- that "Plus Size" starts at size 12 BTW.  Hell, when I was thin, as a teenager, I was a 14,  At 5'10, with a large build, it was about ideal for me. 

http://www.oldnavy.com/browse/home.do?tid=onysbue8t&kwid=1&ap=7&sem=true&mkwid=rRLKk3VU&adid=byq+anil.&creative=56141055012 (easy in-store returns)

http://www.lanebryant.com/?sid=PSLB%3AYahoo%3Awwwlanebryant&mcid=PPC&utm_source=Yahoo&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Yahoo%2BPPC

http://www.roamans.com/?affiliate_id=012&affiliate_location_id=01&WT.srch=1

http://www.ullapopken.com/?utm_source=Yahoo&utm_campaign=Brand&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=UllaPopken&sid=PS2010BR&eid=ePS2010BR

http://www.serengeticatalog.com/  more conservative casualwear

http://www.landsend.com/  which is my favorite for wardrobe staples like nice knit tops and sweaters.  Their qality is worth the price. My waist is too low for their plus-size jeans, but they are fabulous quality too.  I wore only their jeans when I could still fit in regular sizes.  I have knit tops that I've worn for 7+  yrs from Lands End.  They do not fade out. They do not wear out.

Eddie Bauer also has plus sizes now too. 

[Rayalisse]

I may not be a girly girl, but just 4 pair of panties is not enough and I'm sick of them. LOL! 

Sorry hunny I would have included some selections for you as well if I had been paying attention better  I'll remember to include you when I get offers like that, and also to try not to assume we have funding 

[Colleen Ireland]

Raya, I'm afraid I'm gonna pull a big-sister thing on you... Shame on you.  Believe me, I know what a huge balancing act it is when you have a SO, and I applaud Jennypenny for being here - that's HUGE.  You need to thank your lucky stars for her, she's one in a million - be sure you treat her that way.  'Nuff said...

[Rayalisse]

Raya, I'm afraid I'm gonna pull a big-sister thing on you... Shame on you.  Believe me, I know what a huge balancing act it is when you have a SO, and I applaud Jennypenny for being here - that's HUGE.  You need to thank your lucky stars for her, she's one in a million - be sure you treat her that way.  'Nuff said...

http://www.tubechop.com/watch/90086

I feel horrible.     I promise to be better.

[Colleen Ireland]

Awww, honey, I didn't mean I'd take away your Princess Points!  I know how much fun it is to shop, and how exciting it is to find ourselves, but we do need to remember our SO as well, they have feelings too.  And as hard as our lives have been on us, what we're going through is also hard on them.  I'm trying to be extra respectful of my wife's feelings in all of this, even to the point of making things harder on myself, because I do love her very deeply.  It tears me apart to think when the dust settles, we may not be able to stay together, but I have to face reality.  If JennyPenny is supportive of you, she deserves EXTRA Princess Points, and lots of hugs, too.  AND more than 4 pairs of panties, lol...

I know you didn't mean it, but just be a little more careful with the budget, okay?  There, there... 

BTW, what do you think of my new wig?  It's all I could get for $50, but looks a lot better than the alternative, lol.  The other wig was just borrowed...

[Rayalisse]

BTW, what do you think of my new wig?  It's all I could get for $50, but looks a lot better than the alternative, lol.  The other wig was just borrowed...

Yes Jenn deserves super extra gold princess points with sparkly stars and a cherry on top.  She is my life, my heart, and my missing piece, and I am so lucky to have such a supportive and loving companion on this journey of life. 

I was about to PM you a compliment on the new avatar pic and hair!  I actually wondered if that was your own -- You look very nice and the wig style suits you, I'm not sure if I liked the longer-hair one better or not, but you look great either way.  And  -- you've always got that super smile!!    Cheers to you, big sister!

[Colleen Ireland]

I actually wondered if that was your own

Thank you!  Yes, it's me, that is, REALLY me.  I think I'll want something a LITTLE longer, but with this one I could wear nice hoop earrings, if (when) I get my ears pierced, but that's (sigh) a little farther down the road.  I'm so happy and comfortable when I'm dressed, I'm going to really watch for opportunities, and even manufacture them when I can.  Even at this early stage, I'm finding it more and more difficult to be... that guy.  Dressing really teaches you a lot.  I'm pretty sure I'll be living nearly full time, or maybe fully full time sometime in the next year.  Lots to learn before then, tho.  One step at a time...