Quote from: Colleen Ireland on September 18, 2010, 04:51:44 PM
I am much stronger now than I've ever been in my life, and I know that I will be successful. My wife and I will soon have a much deeper and franker conversation on this topic, and then we'll both have a much clearer idea where we stand. And then we'll move on from there. The future is indeed open, and cannot be predicted. I simply have to come to terms with letting go... of my former self, of my hopes for a particular outcome, and much else besides. But I will.
It sounds like you're mentally preparing to leave behind the past -- which is our first defense mechanism, but I think that the more you can hang on to those good relationships through transition, the stronger they will become, and so many people can be a source of support and comfort during difficult times. Don't give up without a fight big sister - I know we can be stubborn and bullheaded at times, and want to transition/change "right away", but I think that as part of moving forward, it is so important to prepare as much as possible for the crooked road ahead, and try to allow your companions (like a significant other, children, and possibly others) to join you/ cheerlead you during your journey as much as possible. Making the journey about the changes that will occur to the whole family and not just me has helped me to put perspective how to approach transition while including Jenn and my kids. I know families are not always very resilient to transition but I think that those relationships have been built over so much time it seems a shame to just toss them aside without putting up (or getting geared up for) a significant struggle to keep the relationships intact.
Things aren't staying status quo for sure, but that doesn't mean that you should just take everything you've built over the years, and bin it. Framing your "sit down" conversations with your wife such that it is as much about your relationship as much as it is about your own personal journey may help to make it seem less like an "I'm changing now go deal with it", which sounds like an ultimatum and will have her putting up defenses and not reacting logically. She does need to know clearly and without confusion what is going on with you; to see the reality of the situation. I recommend framing the conversations in the most open-ended, cooperative and collaborative tone, like "You've probably noticed, I'm changing, its not going away. I need you to help me to work through how we can deal with these changes and at the same time try to keep our relationship intact." She'll certainly need time to adjust and will ask for compromises, but isn't that what relationships are about? Give and take.
In addition to having individual, frank conversations about the reality of transition, Jenn and I both
strongly recommend going to couples counseling (if you can find a therapist / therapists who are willing, conjoint couples therapy is useful so that each of you can work with your individual counselors as well as coming together for couples sessions) , that way you can be assured that you have taken full measures and done all you can to try and work through the changes - You owe it to yourself, your wife and kids to try to make it work if at all possible.
Charles Darwin's statement about species survival also applies to relationships as well -- "It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change."
The sooner you start having these conversations, the better. The longer you wait, the more damage and misunderstandings can be caused, and the further you may be growing apart - if you're not talking about it, who knows what fears she may be keeping bottled up inside?
Love and hugs.
