Hello, I have almost never posted in this forum, but have been a lurker for a long time. It's been days since I actually wanted to write this post, but couldn't due to being busy and tired. I strongly hope this will be viewed by as many people as possible, as I've noticed that many trans-related forums rarely host stories of people who, during some stage of transition, actually change their minds: regret stories, detransitioners, confused people. Unfortunately, the prevailing attitude I see towards potential transgender people like many in this board and myself, not too long ago, is "if you say and are convinced you are gender x then you ARE gender x, ignore all those who say otherwise or might question you", "if your shrink doesn't agree with you then find a new one who does" and such...only stepping outside of this dangerous narcissistic point of view made me realize that what I had come to label as my "->-bleeped-<-" was nothing more than the sum of my own internalized "patriarchial" belief that female=inferior, subsequent shame of being seen as such and of the shock due to my precocious, unwanted puberty (as well as a fair dose of tomboyishness). A a disclaimer, I do think transsexuality may be a valid condition...but not all transitioned transsexuals are necessarily true transsexuals (as I wouldn't have been had I pursued my foolish mind at the time). I also do not want to attack anyone, merely help those who might find themselves in my same situation: a gender-confused girl who believed herself to really be male and in the end was quite sure of it. And luckily BACKED OFF before irreversible chemical and/or surgical damage was done.
When I was little, I was neither too girly or too boyish: my mom loved dressing me up, and on occasion I did too; I also loved some typical male activities like fighting, videogaming (well, at the time), mountain-biking...at that moment I did not have body dysphoria, though I resented the fact males would be stronger when adults, and my role models were mostly cool male heroes, or, even better, "sworn virgin-type" characters: females in typical male "roles" (often warriors) who never sullied themselved with feminine behaviour. I wanted to beat the males at their own games, for, you see, that was cool...unlike staying in the (toy) kitchen, playing house, you get the picture (I still don't long for those things). I also had a fair share of girl toys, though (anybody remembers Polly Pocket? I had at least 25 of them...), and a bit of a girly side which complemented my tomboyish one. In my little head, the concepts of honor and "masculinity" were closely connected: you could say I grew up with some of the anxieties a little boy might experience, in this regard (be strong! Be cool! Don't cry! Kisses are ewww! Never ask others for help...) One complex in particular scarred my mind: that if a woman were to love, and be loved, by a man, or worse (I didn't fully comprehend sex at age 3, duh), she would lose her honor, she would be inferior because she would be inherently "feminized". This, I believe, is the first nucleus on which my transgender feelings would harbor.
Puberty unfortunately hit me at 10 (I have stopped growing significantly ever since, I'm 5'3), and that, coupled with a sucky metabolism which made me gain weight even though I ate next to nothing, was a big shock: buying my first bra when the other girls jut started having breast buds, menstruating when essentially still a child...and to all of the girls, why me? Of all female classmates, I was definitely the least girly. This unpleasant experience, coupled with new expectations and strange new looks from men, further strengthened the equation female=bad. A true woman, a honorable woman would do all she could to compensate for her natural weaknessess...
With my first crush I had a strange relationship: he was a 12-year-old boy,a karateka in my karate course and also a videogamer. I couldn't admit to myself I liked him, that would have been too feminizing, thus disempowering: he then had to be my role model (which he would also have sorta been, anyway, if I hadn't had that weird complex). We got out of touch as he changed schools and have never really seen him again ever since. At a certain point I had to stop seeing him because I would not stop blushing (pale skin ahoy!).
Middle school was HELL for me: I became a sort of "distant genius", not concerned with gender or sexuality which instead were running rampant in my classmates (I was also in a sort of ghetto town to boot). When I finally gained access to the Internet, I slowly researched things like sexlessness and came across the concept of transsexuality and ->-bleeped-<-, mainly due to the site hosted by Jennifer Diane Reitz, a transsexual woman who I suspect now might have transitioned because, au contraire, she saw men as the ultimate evil. She is NOT to be trusted in these issues: she claims utter scientific validity despite having no credentials and citing no works whatsoever. She also developed a test for unsure, potential MtFs (the COGIATI) which is, to put it gently, a piece of crap which together with her site on transsexuality should be wiped off the earth. I seriously hope no MtF decided to transition based on this "test". But I was young and guillible, and she sounded so dead sure...her site offered a neat explanation for my supposedly strange condition of hating my female body: my brain wasn't female at all! I nurtured the idea for a while, deciding, time after time, it looked sound in my case. Although not still identifying as male, but more in the "twilight zone" of androgyne/neuter, I starte acquiring all the information I could on transsexuality, visiting transsexual boards (I could relate to the FtM complaints about the chest, menstruations, almost everything), and crossressing: this made me realize how too female my body was for my tastes (mainly for the extra weight I had, I store it in a hourglass fashion)...I started having some body dysphoria and admiring the lean, long and muscular bodies of my male classmates. This, in turn, validated my suspicions of TG-ness. All of this happened very slowly, in the span of 2 or 3 years.
It so happened that in the last year of high school I was in a male-only class (we were in a physics-oriented class, very difficult) and I finally noticed how much easier was socializing among males as a sort of "boy", and how much better things would have been had I been born male. I was almost sure I was TG: I gradually stopped wearing even vaguely female clothing, opting for a more androgynous and elegant attire, cut my hair short and dyed it outrageous colors, had my body dysphoria intensified to a point I even felt a phantom penis and was getting male body envy all over! The flat chest, the hipster beard, the hardened skin, everything...(though I could forego baldness eh). I started running like hell to lose weight and finally did it: I was passable as a young, somewhat pretty boy without my long-standing thigh fat. I imagined a full transition in my future, a transition that finally could have given me everything I'd lost being born female: I'd lose my social ankwardness, I'd feel at home with my body and would be a good-looking man (a mostly gay one though), I'd forget the pain female puberty had brought me, I'd be cool...life was about transitioning, or not.
At the same time, horrendous doubts were stalking me in those long night hours, but I brushed them off as more and more people perceived me as a boy, or at least as a "?". That high I got, I realized later, was really shallow, and I myself was extremely shallow and vain in that period. I visited TS forums even more, including this one, for helpful passing tips, topics of TG interest, female body hate rants...
But I was not happy; in fact, the pursuing of masculinity was consuming every single moment of my life. I was like a parasite, pursuing this male fantasy with little regard to anything else, modifying and destroying my female identity one piece at a time, like a snake eating itself. One possibly fatal accident (I and my father risked being run over by his tractor) one day changed that extremely vain, narcissistic perspective, and I started questioning my story and my transgenderedness not as a given as I used to do. I read the story of a detransitioner (now thankfully happy) and saw the extremely sad story of a FtM who clearly did NOT have to transition...and then it hit me. I wasn't TG, I was just a confused, troubled, vain girl who chased a stupid and possibly fatal fantasy. And as I realized that, my body dysphoria vanished and I understood how much pain I had caused to myself and my family.
I'm really glad I realized it before the meeting with my therapist, otherwise I might have had the T shots. I always get cold sweats when I rethink about it. And as I was indeed a lurker here for a long time, there's a person in particular who I'd like to warn about transitioning: Elijah, I don't know you, nor do you know me, but from what I've read of you, of your doubts about your identity...seriously THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! Some parts of your story sound eerily similar to mine. To everyone else, I beg you to consider your identity enough before jumping to irreparable conclusions. I was 99,9% sure of my transness, but mine wasn't a birth defect...it was a psychological complex.
Good luck to all of you, and thanks for reading
