My story, and a warning to all potential transsexuals

[Al James]

Just a question on RLE that has been circling my brain for a while. Does it mean that the life ive lived up til now isnt real life cos it sure felt like it at times. Okay- it wasnt documented as living as a male but thats what ive been doing totally for the last twenty years. So what difference will another 2 years make.

[Alessandro]

I found your story very interesting, but like everyone has said, you were quite forceful on putting a template of your problems onto everyone else here, particularly Elijah. 

I actually understand the crushing doubts thing.  I felt the same when I tried to live as a lesbian.  That feeling, always at night of knowing what you are doing is not who you actually are.  It is a really strong feeling and if anybody feels like that regarding transition then no, it probably isn't for them.  That said though, everyone has a few doubts.  For example I wonder what it will be like having to shave, sometimes I am a bit afraid of that, because it is not something I have had to think much about before.  But when I think of that I don't have that dark feeling of denying myself.  And I doubt many people who will go as far as transition do.  Besides, there's no reason why being a transitioned male would stop you doing 'feminine' things....this isn't the middle ages. 

Like others have said, it is possible to be a mix of genders and that may or may not involve transitioning.  Everybody's experience is entirely different and just because someone may have feelings that coincided with yours doesn't mean that they will feel/deal with those feelings the same way. 

[Inkwe Mupkins]

I guess 5 yrs is a bit long. I always compare myself to others which I need to work on. It's just that I didn't really come out as trans I just kinda developed into a male. When I was younger 5-6 I didn't see that I was male or female I was me. When I entered 5th grade I started caring what I looked and acted like, I somewhat cared how others perceived me. I shaved my head and bought boy school clothes. As soon as I shaved my head people refered to me as he, except family.

Everyone is different. Some parent prohibit there kids from dressing and acting in the manner they like. My mom doesn't support me but she could care less what I do.

About the dress thing. I didnt mean that men can't wear dresses. I think very realisticlly. If I saw a cis male in a dress id question his sexuality to. Biologically I am female and if went out in female clothing then i would question my transition. For me to go out as female I would be willing and intentionaly be representing as female. If I'm still okay with representing as female then I feel that I need to question my identity. I wouldn't transition If a part of me still wanted to represent as female.

[Nygeel]

mcalistershaun: You're you and I'm me. I'm a straight trans guy that's cool with cross dressing for sh-ts and gigs. Gender expression and gender identity aren't the same. Gender expression and sexual orientation also not the same. My clothing isn't everything about me just in the same that it isn't for anybody else.

[glendagladwitch]

I can't help but suspect that the OP is Dirt. 

We know Dirt lurks on this site and steals photos and pulls stunts that would be just this hateful.

Call me skeptical.

[Nathan.]

I can't help but suspect that the OP is Dirt.

That did cross my mind. I hope it's not because I really do think we need to hear de-transition stories to see why they did what they did and we should see them as a warning not to rush into transition.

[Al James]

I can't help but suspect that the OP is Dirt.

crossed my mind 2

[Ryan]

Just a thought, but it may be a good idea to keep this thread hidden from the likes of "Dirt", etc.

(I notice that someone posted about Dirt as I was typing this, haha)

[Alexmakenoise]

Yeah, I also thought it might be that blogger, especially when I first read the title.  The writing style is different.  But you never know.

[RaeLikesTea]

Personally, I am very uncomfortable with the use of the phrase "potential transsexuals". The idea that being transsexual is a choice (suggested by the word "potential") does not sit well with me.
Thank you for your story, but please be careful with your word choice.

[jmaxley]

I can't help but suspect that the OP is Dirt. 

I admit, that was my first thought.  I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt.  There aren't that many stories of detransition and I think it's important to see those as well.

I'm a straight trans guy that's cool with cross dressing for sh-ts and gigs. Gender expression and gender identity aren't the same.

Thanks for posting this.  The fact that I do still like female clothes has caused me a lot of confusion (probably more than anything else).  It's made me question if I'm really a guy.  But I don't want to be a woman in female clothes, I want to be a dude wearing them.  I'd like to be able to wear them as a dude without people reacting badly but not going to happen where I live.  I don't want to be seen as female, but I do like the bright colors, frills, sparkles, etc.; women definitely have more freedom in the area of clothing.   If it was more socially acceptable for guys to like that kind of thing, I'd have less doubts about transition. 

*just wanted to add, I hope that made sense, it's been a long day and I'm not feeling real coherant at the moment.

[April Dawne]

That blogger was my first thought too, especially with the use of terminology like "patriarchal" etc. It would not surprise me at all, especially since this poster also mentioned "lurking" on this site for quite some time. If it is "her", it is possible she has simply changed tactics and is trying to come from the perspective of being helpful, instead of demonizing us all as being sick twisted perverts and misogynists.

I do believe that it is important for anyone even considering transition to really give it a lot of thought, time, and soul-searching. For me, the agony of years I spent as a reclusive, depressed, suicidal, self-hater was too much. Enough was enough, and I finally took a really hard look at myself because I just got so sick and tired of being miserable and not really knowing why.

~April~

[Mishamigo_Jared]

I've always known I was different since i was really young, but i was about 13 when i finally figured out my identity. I've had doubts because i'm not really the most masculine guy haha i love doing those dressup games, i'm not gonna lie  i also love to sing and i love cute and fluffy things, so i thought "well i obviously cant be trans, i like some girl stuff" but, i know now that you dont have to be super masculine to be trans. I once was confused while i had identified as trans, i had no idea what i was. was a man or a masculine girl? The reason for doubting myself was because i just couldnt accept who i was, i was terrified of how people would react to me. At 16 i realized who i was and accepted myself. now i am living as male, and starting hormones soon  I think all trans people go through doubting periods and some realize that transitioning is just not right for them but, i am glad you stopped before it was too late and found out who you are. it takes courage to listen to your feelings and actaully follow them. I cant imagine not living as male, but thats just me  good luck with everything and thanks for sharing your story it was a great read 

-Neo

[Bluetraveler]

Wow...I am not this Dirt blogger folks, my IP is from another continent. And as Nathan mentioned, I don't write like her at all (I've seen her blog since you mentioned her). I may be a lurker but I am no troll. And patriarchal as a word isn't used just by lesbian separatists, you know: I was referring to a culture, from the country I come from (may it suffice to say it's european?), wherein males are considered superior and so are stereotipically masculine qualities.

And thanks, UnusualSuspect.

Edit: ah, I used the term "potential transsexual" to mean a possibly transgendered person who might want to transition. I was under the impression transgender is the term for non-binaries and those before surgery and hormones, while transsexuals went through that.

[Devyn]

I've been reading through the stuff that has been posted since I last posted on this topic. I'm relatively new to this website. Can somebody tell me who Dirt is?

[April Dawne]

After this, I won't speak any further of that person as she doesn't deserve any more attention than she has already gotten for herself.

Basically she is a trans-hating extreme separatist butch lesbian feminist who is so full of misandry that she not only hates the penis itself, but anyone who wants one, has ever touched one, or wants to touch one. She uses the majority of her posts to spread her anti-trans sentiments, trying apparently to amass an army of trans-haters with abstracted truths and misinformation in an attempt to strip us of our human rights and freedoms.

You can probably tell I really like her.

A lot.

[Chamillion]

I think dismissing detransition stories by saying things like 'oh it could be Dirt' is the same attitude that Dirt talks about.. the way many of us want to brush off these types of stories. Why is it so unbelievable to us that transition isn't right for some? This isn't an attack so don't take it that way, but just food for thought.

Anyway thank you for sharing your story and I'm glad you figured things out. People need to know that transition isn't a definite cure and that it is possible to make a mistake. I personally believe though that most people who transition end up much happier but everyone has a different story. No one should have to feel swayed in either direction.

[April Dawne]

I think dismissing detransition stories by saying things like 'oh it could be Dirt' is the same attitude that Dirt talks about.. the way many of us want to brush off these types of stories. Why is it so unbelievable to us that transition isn't right for some? This isn't an attack so don't take it that way, but just food for thought.

Anyway thank you for sharing your story and I'm glad you figured things out. People need to know that transition isn't a definite cure and that it is possible to make a mistake. I personally believe though that most people who transition end up much happier but everyone has a different story. No one should have to feel swayed in either direction.

None of us were trying to brush off the story. We have all pretty much said that this brings up the serious issue of being completely sure that transition is right for us before going and doing anything that could potentially permanently change, or ruin, our lives. Finding the right therapist, and having a good support system are some key elements to finding things out. A good therapist won't leave you on your own to figure things out, it's their JOB to help you navigate the minefields of your own consciousness and arrive at what the truth is, for you, no matter what that truth may be. To transition or not is and should be a very deadly serious undertaking, as it can have deadly serious consequences if not done properly and for the right reasons.

[Chamillion]

None of us were trying to brush off the story. We have all pretty much said that this brings up the serious issue of being completely sure that transition is right for us before going and doing anything that could potentially permanently change, or ruin, our lives. Finding the right therapist, and having a good support system are some key elements to finding things out. A good therapist won't leave you on your own to figure things out, it's their JOB to help you navigate the minefields of your own consciousness and arrive at what the truth is, for you, no matter what that truth may be. To transition or not is and should be a very deadly serious undertaking, as it can have deadly serious consequences if not done properly and for the right reasons.

No worries, I am in total agreement w/ everything you just said. It was just something that stuck out to me.

[April Dawne]

No problem Like I said, it's always good to hear both sides!