And, suddenly - certainty

[Sandy]

Very good, Susan.  You appear to be a very level headed person despite the terrors of GID.  And that is to your credit.  This is a terrible burden to bear, but only others like us seem to truly understand.  You seem to be on the right path.

You mentioned that your current therapist cannot offer you anything more and that you are being referred to a specialist.  That is good.  Working with a trained gender therapist can be so much more helpful.  I hope that goes quickly for you. 

Also know that there is no objective test for being transsexual.  So there will always be a shadow of doubt that may follow you as you proceed.  We all feel that.  Your therapist(s) will only give you a confirmation that your described symptoms do or do not follow the symptoms of GID.  So that is one of the reasons to be open and honest with your therapist.  But you probably already know that.  But once they confirm that your feelings and symptoms do describe GID, then they will help you figure out what all you need to do.  They can become partners in your transition.

It's a long road, Susan, but if you decide to go down this path, know that on the other side there is peace.

Keep us posted on how things go and don't be afraid to ask questions.  That's what we do here.  We support each other in our large extended family.

-Sandy

[E]

Very good, Susan.  You appear to be a very level headed person despite the terrors of GID.  And that is to your credit.  This is a terrible burden to bear, but only others like us seem to truly understand.  You seem to be on the right path.

Thank you. I try to remain rational, but at the end of the day I really have nothing to go on but my own thought and emotions, and those are suspect. In a way, I hope I'm just insane. That way, I could just pop a pill, and the world's fine again.

You mentioned that your current therapist cannot offer you anything more and that you are being referred to a specialist.  That is good.  Working with a trained gender therapist can be so much more helpful.  I hope that goes quickly for you.

I hope so, too. But the waiting list could be months long.

Also know that there is no objective test for being transsexual.  So there will always be a shadow of doubt that may follow you as you proceed.  We all feel that.  Your therapist(s) will only give you a confirmation that your described symptoms do or do not follow the symptoms of GID.  So that is one of the reasons to be open and honest with your therapist.  But you probably already know that.  But once they confirm that your feelings and symptoms do describe GID, then they will help you figure out what all you need to do.  They can become partners in your transition.

I know. And I try as well as I can to tell my therapist everything - both for and against. It is imperative that they be informed, so that they can make the right decision. And it is also important that I manage to remain strong, and not give in to the temptation of a quick and easy way out - self-medication is far too dangerous.

It's a long road, Susan, but if you decide to go down this path, know that on the other side there is peace.

Thank you. I certainly hope so. But the road itself is such a scary one.

A couple years back, I was out driving in winter, going through a turn, when I suddenly felt the car begin to lose traction. To my right was a drop down to the rocky shoreline far below, and to my left a sheer cliff face. There was no room on either side of the road - I had no margin for error. And then the car went into a spin. But, somehow, I managed to keep the car within that narrow band of asphalt, and guide it to a halt. On that day, I had been certain I was about to die. And, yet, I find transition is far more terrifying than that.

Keep us posted on how things go and don't be afraid to ask questions.  That's what we do here.  We support each other in our large extended family.

Thank you, Sandy. I appreciate it greatly. There's so much I need to know. And I'll make sure to post an update every now and then.

[Colleen Ireland]

Thank you, E, for explaining yourself better.  You had me worried.  I well remember what it felt like when I finally put together all the pieces of the puzzle that is my life, and saw the picture for the first time.  Emotional vertigo.  Freefall.  It was a very scary thing.  I remember it well, because it was only a few short months ago.  For weeks, I felt like I could hardly breathe.  I wanted to cry, pretty much all the time.  I didn't know how to deal with it.  But slowly, with the help of friends, and places like this, I was able to get a grip on myself, and find a better equilibrium, and the strength to move forward.  I had never in my life had the courage to face this, but having lived for almost 30 years in a half-dead state of denial, trying to make the best of things, I knew that was not my path.  I had to face it, once and for all, and find out who I am, and live in alignment with that, whatever that meant.  So I still have bad days, but because I am doing what I can to move myself forward, I am generally doing a lot better.  I know you'll do well, too.

[E]

Wow - I just had my mind blown yet again at the enormity of transition !

So... how is it possible? Do you just, like, go out one day and enter the women's clothing section in the mall and try something on, or what? Because the medical stuff, that I can deal with - but how do you go from presenting as male to presenting as female?

[Colleen Ireland]

Yes, it is enormous, alright.  And T-blockers and estrogen don't make it any less so.  There's a LOT more to it.  And if you're speaking of me, in reference to "presenting as female", then I'm highly flattered!  I'm still at the very beginning of my journey.  I've been dressed now exactly 3 times in the presence of others:  once for a girls' night with two friends in transition, once for my therapy session this week, and later that same day at my support group meeting.  Passing?  Not even close.  Working on a bit of everything at once - clothing, hair, makeup, voice... the list goes on.  There is a LOT to learn.  I'm just barely scratching the surface.

Clothing:  I get my stuff so far at the local thrift shops.  There's some nice stuff there, and very cheap.  So far I've got a pair of jeans, two tops, a watch, a necklace, a purse, a pair of shoes.  Total investment, maybe $40.  I've discovered I can go into these shops in full male, and browse the women's clothing, and nobody bothers me.  It's easier if you have a friend to go with, who either IS female, or presents as such, but I've discovered that nobody (so far) has called me out.  The first time was really scary, but it gets easier.  And you can try stuff on, and nobody bats an eyelash. 

Everywhere you look, there is something else to learn.  On my way to my girls' night, I realized I wanted some lipstick to wear, and had to stop off at a local drugstore, which had very little in the way of selection.  I ended up spending $20 on one lipstick.  Grrrr!  I'll try to be a lot smarter in the future.

I'm lucky, I've met a few really good and helpful trans friends locally, and there is a good support group nearby also.  Try to connect with local trans people for help - they can be a really good resource.  At least I've found so.

I'm also finding I can practice my voice in my normal life, both at home and at work, and so far nobody has noticed a thing.  I'm pitching my voice just a little higher than normal, and placing the resonance above the voicebox in the throat, and in the head, rather than in the chest, and doing this in normal conversation, pretty much everywhere.  It's kinda freaky that nobody's said anything yet, not my wife or children or anyone, but I sound rather different lately.  It's cool.

So there's LOTS you can do, and lots to work on.  But when eating an elephant, it must be done one small bite at a time.  And before you know it, you look back and see how much you've eaten.

Hope this helps.  Hugs to you...

[ggina]

On that day, I had been certain I was about to die. And, yet, I find transition is far more terrifying than that.

In some aspects, both are huge steps into the unknown. But I think the latter's more terrifying because if you die, you leave this world and become nothing (well, if you're an atheist anyway ). There's nothing to be afraid of, except death itself. But when you transition, you want to still live and fit into a world you already know from the outside, a world with its own rules. And rules can be frightening... that is, until you start to learn how to bend them to your own advantage

(I used to have severe panic attacks, now just like an accident, that's something like you know for sure you're going to die right there. So when it comes to dying, I think I know what I'm talking about as I already posess some routine in that )

g

[E]

Yes, it is enormous, alright.  And T-blockers and estrogen don't make it any less so.  There's a LOT more to it.

Yes. Estrogen, surgery, spiro, voice training - those are the easy part, it seems to me.

And if you're speaking of me, in reference to "presenting as female", then I'm highly flattered!

Eh - I'm sorry, I do not intend any offense, but I was addressing the entire forum in general. "You" in the sense of "any one person".

I really appreciate your advice. I still don't see how I can ever actually begin presenting as female, though. That's one big elephant to eat. I've only barely managed to work up the nerve to buy myself a proper body razor.

I think I need to find a support group or something, and get myself a mentor. I can't see how I'll ever manage without one.

In some aspects, both are huge steps into the unknown. But I think the latter's more terrifying because if you die, you leave this world and become nothing (well, if you're an atheist anyway ). There's nothing to be afraid of, except death itself. But when you transition, you want to still live and fit into a world you already know from the outside, a world with its own rules. And rules can be frightening... that is, until you start to learn how to bend them to your own advantage

Exactly . I've already been dead for a couple billion years, and didn't really suffer from it.

[Sandy]

Wow - I just had my mind blown yet again at the enormity of transition !

So... how is it possible? Do you just, like, go out one day and enter the women's clothing section in the mall and try something on, or what? Because the medical stuff, that I can deal with - but how do you go from presenting as male to presenting as female?

Yes, there are a lot of changes.  And, yes, much of it is just going out and buying stuff.  That in itself can be daunting, but possible.  As they say, "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?"  "Practice, hon, practice."

Learning how to dress, how to wear makeup, deportment and poise are a major portion of integrating yourself into society as a female.  See if you can find a group that meets in your area.  Many times they have social gatherings in a safe place where you can either come dressed or dress there and spend time learning to carry yourself in your new role.

The medical aspects are important, certainly, but being a woman in society is even more effort.  HRT, for example, will never change your voice, so you must constantly be aware of every thing you say and how you say it.  You must learn to speak and even cough and sneeze as a girl.  If the phone rings in the middle of the night, you must remember that you have to answer it in your feminine voice.

How you present yourself to the world will do more to describe yourself as a woman than just about anything else.  But, as hard as it seems, much of it can come naturally.  If you have this in your heart and being, then it is just a matter of learning how NOT to pretend that you are a male, but letting your own natural femininity shine through.

Also, Susan, have you tried some coping mechanisms to help assuage your pain?  Sometimes it is helpful, for example, to wear womans underpants instead of male.  Or carry a manbag style purse.  Or decide that from now on, you will never use a urinal again and forever use the stalls.  These inner statements can be helpful in making it clear, at least to yourself, you are taking personal positive steps in becoming who you truly are.

-Sandy

[E]

Yes, there are a lot of changes.  And, yes, much of it is just going out and buying stuff.  That in itself can be daunting, but possible.  As they say, "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?"  "Practice, hon, practice."

Yes, but I really have no idea how to even begin getting that practice.

Learning how to dress, how to wear makeup, deportment and poise are a major portion of integrating yourself into society as a female.  See if you can find a group that meets in your area.  Many times they have social gatherings in a safe place where you can either come dressed or dress there and spend time learning to carry yourself in your new role.

How to dress will, I think, not be that hard. I figure I'll initially go for female-cut equivalents of my current wardrobe (jeans and t-shirt), and expand from there. The problem is I'm extremely self-conscious. I can't leave my apartment without wearing a jacket, for instance (although I can remove it amongst friends), because then people might glimpse the shape of my body beneath my clothes.

The medical aspects are important, certainly, but being a woman in society is even more effort.  HRT, for example, will never change your voice, so you must constantly be aware of every thing you say and how you say it.  You must learn to speak and even cough and sneeze as a girl.  If the phone rings in the middle of the night, you must remember that you have to answer it in your feminine voice.

How you present yourself to the world will do more to describe yourself as a woman than just about anything else.  But, as hard as it seems, much of it can come naturally.  If you have this in your heart and being, then it is just a matter of learning how NOT to pretend that you are a male, but letting your own natural femininity shine through.

I have a mental construct in my mind that keeps constant track of every little thing I say and do, revising them to present as male. Silencing this device would instantly lead to more feminine patterns of movement, speech, and behavior. Trouble is, I've spent half my life building that thing up, and find it very mentally difficult to contemplate tearing down. I think I ought to work on turning this mechanism around, and use it to compensate for my experience in presenting as male.

Also, Susan, have you tried some coping mechanisms to help assuage your pain?  Sometimes it is helpful, for example, to wear womans underpants instead of male.  Or carry a manbag style purse.  Or decide that from now on, you will never use a urinal again and forever use the stalls.  These inner statements can be helpful in making it clear, at least to yourself, you are taking personal positive steps in becoming who you truly are.

Well, I've begun shaving my body, but I always get ingrown hairs so that's a bother. I think I've managed to get a good female gait down, too, but can't really be sure - I tried "leading with my hips", and it seemed to just fall into place. Trouble is, now I have to constantly correct for that in public - it seemed more natural than my usual gait, and now it sneaks into my movements when I'm unaware. And I'm not yet ready to start presenting feminine aspects in public.

I'm not planning to go out into the stores and buy underwear until I can pass.

I do have long hair, and very occasionally get gendered as female by strangers, so that helps.

[Sandy]

I have a mental construct in my mind that keeps constant track of every little thing I say and do, revising them to present as male. Silencing this device would instantly lead to more feminine patterns of movement, speech, and behavior. Trouble is, I've spent half my life building that thing up, and find it very mentally difficult to contemplate tearing down. I think I ought to work on turning this mechanism around, and use it to compensate for my experience in presenting as male.

Well, I've begun shaving my body, but I always get ingrown hairs so that's a bother. I think I've managed to get a good female gait down, too, but can't really be sure - I tried "leading with my hips", and it seemed to just fall into place. Trouble is, now I have to constantly correct for that in public - it seemed more natural than my usual gait, and now it sneaks into my movements when I'm unaware. And I'm not yet ready to start presenting feminine aspects in public.

I'm not planning to go out into the stores and buy underwear until I can pass.

I do have long hair, and very occasionally get gendered as female by strangers, so that helps.

First off, let me congratulate you on your typing speed!  You seem to respond to these posts almost in real time!

That "mental construct" I referred to as my mask.  It was the filter I used to examine every movement and utterance to ensure that it was manly enough.  It actually aided me in being an actor on stage, because I could exchange one "mask" for another.  But once I did stop using that, I also discovered I had a remarkable amount of mental cycles free.  It takes quite a bit of space in your head, doesn't it?

If you won't go out and buy underwear until you can pass, kind of strikes me as a chicken and egg problem.  I know it can seem very terrifying to go into the lingerie section to buy panties and bras when you are stuck in drab.  You might think that everyone is watching you to see if you are some sort of scary person.  And going to the checkout with a six pack of panties may seem very scary.  But take it from me, most women would hardly notice and if you want you can always do the "I'm buying these for my wife scenario".  You can even pretend to talk into your phone and say "Now which brand did you want?"  I did.  Gawd I was so terrified to even buy pantyhose!  I get a chuckle out of it now, but back then I was in severe anxiety mode.

But that is part of the thing of being a trans person.  If we could do *anything* else would we WANT to do this?  Wouldn't be easier to just simply stay home and watch the television?  Like steel to a magnet, we seem drawn to do this.  We can do nothing else.

And when you get clocked as a girl it is such a boost!

BTW: Susan, I have looked at the pics you have posted.  You are quite fair of skin and have lovely hair.  I'd say with a little makeup and some nice clothes you should pass quite easily.

-Sandy

[E]

First off, let me congratulate you on your typing speed!  You seem to respond to these posts almost in real time!

Thank you. Know what's really funny? I'm a two-finger typist . "You're, like, the fastest typist I've ever seen, and you only use two fingers!"

That "mental construct" I referred to as my mask.  It was the filter I used to examine every movement and utterance to ensure that it was manly enough.  It actually aided me in being an actor on stage, because I could exchange one "mask" for another.  But once I did stop using that, I also discovered I had a remarkable amount of mental cycles free.  It takes quite a bit of space in your head, doesn't it?

Yes, it certainly does. I call it my "masculinity monitor", but mask is quicker.

If you won't go out and buy underwear until you can pass, kind of strikes me as a chicken and egg problem.  I know it can seem very terrifying to go into the lingerie section to buy panties and bras when you are stuck in drab.  You might think that everyone is watching you to see if you are some sort of scary person.  And going to the checkout with a six pack of panties may seem very scary.  But take it from me, most women would hardly notice and if you want you can always do the "I'm buying these for my wife scenario".  You can even pretend to talk into your phone and say "Now which brand did you want?"  I did.  Gawd I was so terrified to even buy pantyhose!  I get a chuckle out of it now, but back then I was in severe anxiety mode.

I do have female friends, and will probably come out to at least one of them quite soon.

But that is part of the thing of being a trans person.  If we could do *anything* else would we WANT to do this?  Wouldn't be easier to just simply stay home and watch the television?  Like steel to a magnet, we seem drawn to do this.  We can do nothing else.

Oh, certainly. It seems absurd, even ridiculous, to find oneself in a situation like this. My rational mind says, "This is illogical! Why would you need to change your sex? You can just act like you want anyway, and people will just accept you as an effeminate man!" "But, rational mind - I don't want to be accepted as an effeminate man! I want to be accepted as female!" "But why?" "Because!"

I think comedies should be written about us.

And when you get clocked as a girl it is such a boost!

Indeed.

And then the guys go ahead and slap your bottom .

BTW: Susan, I have looked at the pics you have posted.  You are quite fair of skin and have lovely hair.  I'd say with a little makeup and some nice clothes you should pass quite easily.

Thank you. I must admit, I sort of suspected, but I didn't trust my own judgement. But I've been clocked as female before, without trying to pass, so I guess I'm lucky .

[lauren3332]

It is a bit strange that you did not know you were trans a month ago and now you are so determined and confident you are right.  You didn't go through a long period of doubt.  It took me forever to accept it.  I kept trying to find "the thing" that made me trans.  I suppose that is because I was fine up until the age of 16.  I started crossdressing and then I realized that my issues were more than clothes.  Then my period of doubt came.  Good luck to you.   

[ggina]

And going to the checkout with a six pack of panties may seem very scary.

This reminds me of a case when I was buying a whole lot of femme stuff in one go, like pantyhoses, panties, lipsticks, nail polish, and all that jazz, just to build up an initial collection. So I just got in the line and nobody really cared about what's in my basket. And when it was my turn, I suddenly poured the contents out in front of the counter so the cashier could check them in. And that's when the guy standing behind me got up his head. He was kind of the macho guy and quite good looking at that, if I might add. And for a brief moment, we made eye contact. He was like, he was in a dream and suddenly woke up and in my eyes was something like "yes, you're seeing it right, this is real, I'm a man and I'm buying all these stuff and you can't do anything about it!". Of course my knees were shaking like hell but this has just made it all the more unforgettable

oh, and now I'm getting into it There was another time when I bought about 10 pairs of women's shoes in another shop. They were near the largest in the women's sizes so it was apparent that I was buying them for myself. But the cashier lady didn't even raise an eyebrow, just did her work. But I knew that I was destined to be some kind of legend after a larger-than-life maneuver like this and I was right: several months later, when I returned, the lady instantly foregreeted me with a big smile when I went in there. But there was no hostility at all, I was just a nice memory of her generally dull life at the mall

But you don't have to do it like this. If you do it small, nobody will ever care and I'm pretty sure about that as I've done that also. In fact, the above examples are the extreme cases and I don't remember doing anything near like those in recent years. Maybe I'm getting old However, they were very good for me to get "baptised"; it became so much easier from then on.

You didn't go through a long period of doubt.  It took me forever to accept it.

Exactly what I was trying to say earlier. But, as others have since pointed out, sudden realizations like that indeed can happen. We just weren't so lucky to have them

g

[E]

It is a bit strange that you did not know you were trans a month ago and now you are so determined and confident you are right.  You didn't go through a long period of doubt.  It took me forever to accept it.  I kept trying to find "the thing" that made me trans.  I suppose that is because I was fine up until the age of 16.  I started crossdressing and then I realized that my issues were more than clothes.  Then my period of doubt came.  Good luck to you.   

I considered the thought around age 16, but all my exposure to transsexualism-related subjects in the media was to creepy sexual fetishists and suicidal folks who lived every moment in suffering, so I just banished the idea. In retrospect, the signs should have been clear to me since I was 12, when I first looked in the mirror and really saw myself.

A month ago, I came into contact with a part of the trans community and read some of their stories. I could've written them myself. It was like a floodgate opened in my mind. But I still waver. Yesterday, I was 100% sure. Now, I have doubt. But I'm still more confident than I was the day before yesterday.

Yes, I realize the short time I've consciously thought of myself as trans is conspicuous, and if it were anyone else writing it I would doubt them. I would worry they were making a mistake; that they hadn't thought it through. How could it possibly be enough time?

It isn't. I am quite sure I'm trans, but I am also open to the possibility that I may be wrong. It seems impossible, but I will not rule it out. That is why I want my therapist to make the final call, and why I will probably wait for some months before transition becomes truly an option. Really, I'm not prepared yet. I have a lot of mental ground to cover before I can truly consider transition. But that doesn't change the fact that I've had a breakdown - almost a panic attack, although not quite - over testosterone, and that I likely will have another one in the not--too-distant future.

But you don't have to do it like this. If you do it small, nobody will ever care and I'm pretty sure about that as I've done that also. In fact, the above examples are the extreme cases and I don't remember doing anything near like those in recent years. Maybe I'm getting old However, they were very good for me to get "baptised"; it became so much easier from then on.

I think slowly does it. One step at a time.

Exactly what I was trying to say earlier. But, as others have since pointed out, sudden realizations like that indeed can happen. We just weren't so lucky to have them

The realization seemed sudden, but in hindsight I had ample warning. I just didn't recognize it. Once I had the key, my life suddenly organized itself in a pattern that was so easy to see I couldn't believe I'd never noticed before.

[lilacwoman]

Wow - I just had my mind blown yet again at the enormity of transition !

So... how is it possible? Do you just, like, go out one day and enter the women's clothing section in the mall and try something on, or what? Because the medical stuff, that I can deal with - but how do you go from presenting as male to presenting as female?

Quote: (and I can't find who said it unless maybe Harry Benj?) 'All TS start as crossdressers but not all crossdressers are TS'.
So we start by crossdressing as kids and eventually get to the point where we have to get a full outfit and then we just have to get out and live as women so we take a deep breath and step out the door - with our hearts pounding and a roaring in our ears! 

[Mara]

"Quote: (and I can't find who said it unless maybe Harry Benj?) 'All TS start as crossdressers but not all crossdressers are TS'.
So we start by crossdressing as kids and eventually get to the point where we have to get a full outfit and then we just have to get out and live as women so we take a deep breath and step out the door - with our hearts pounding and a roaring in our ears!  "

That's not true, and has been debunked time and time again.  It's very common for transsexual people to not "crossdress" in childhood.  The old belief that most of us did it was largely a part of the old, "all transsexual women go through this exact pattern" belief that the modern Standards of Care admit were wrong and mostly the result of previous transitioners needing to lie to fit the narrative some psychs expected to hear.