Workplace slipups ...

[beckster]

Hi Everyone,

How are we all ?  Am wondering if anyone can spare me a few minutes to give me their thoughts on a little dilemma I am having in work at the moment ...

I went full time in October 2005 and started hormones in October this year.  We have about 500 staff in our office and my role brings me in to contact with at least 70 of them at least once a month.  There have been no problems with my transition in work, everyone has just got on with things as though nothing has really changed which is fab.  There was a little curiosity to start with, mainly due to the fact that when all 500 staff where briefed on the choice I had made an awful lot of them didn't even know who I was - shocking I know !!  Although, after the briefing they would often stop me in the corridors, the canteen or the lift and ask if I was the girl who they had all been told about.  I received so many positive comments and for about 2 weeks had what could only be described as "celebrity status" - what I wouldn't do to relive that feeling, lol.  As is always the case we had the usual slip ups with the whole he/she element which is understandable to start with, if you have worked somewhere for 5 years it is going to take some getting used too.

However, it has now been 14 months since I went full time and some people are still using "he" when they refer to me.  Generally I don't like to say anything as these slip ups normally occur when there are a group of people around me and you can normally see from the persons reaction that they have realized what they have said.  Ideally its something I should probably address directly with the person in some way, but I can't really pull them to one side or take them away from the job they are doing for a quick chat - it's a call centre and the staff are pretty much nailed to a desk with a headset on !!

- Should I say nothing and just pretend I didn't realize ?  Will this work ? Will the fact the person has slipped up once stop them from doing it again ?

- Should I find some sort of way to speak to them about it ?  A little difficult to arrange but maybe the most effective ?

- Should I just go and speak to my HR representative ?  This seems a little heavy handed but hey it been 14 months now so get with the plan people ?

- Or do I just stop letting in annoy me ?  Easier said than done as I am hormonal woman who shouldn't be messed with, lol !!

Seriously though, any thoughts would be appreciated !!

Becky

xx

[beth]

Hello beckster,


                    I think ignoring the slipups may have negative consequences.  From what I have heard there are some who may make these little "slipups" on purpose. I would suggest correcting the individual when it is on a one to one basis.  If it is within a group I would interupt and address the whole group with something like "Gee guys, it's been like 14 months it's time to use the right pronoun". Don't address the individual only within the group as they may feel embarassment or ridicule.

                    I would reserve contacting HR for serious problems or when a person continually uses the incorrect pronoun even after many corrections.  I wish you the best.  It sounds like you are doing great.  


beth

[Julie Marie]

If a person does it once I'd let it go.  If it happens a second time, something needs to be said, probably one-on-one.  If you can't talk then maybe a kind note.  After that it may be time to bring a superior into the picture.

Julie

[cindianna_jones]

I have a very different opinion.  I'd let it slide.  There is no reason to make an issue of it while you are in transition.  Remember, you have to work with these people.  And if push comes to shove due to a level of discomfort, they will find a reason to get rid of you... not them.

After you have completed your transition though, I'd take them aside and ask them nicely to please use the correct pronouns.  Don't get after them for occasional slip ups!  My mom and dad love me, yet they still slip and it has been twenty years!  If someone is giving you a bad time, it will be clear.

For heaven's sake, if you are not being harrassed, let it go.  Be patient and friendly. People still have a difficult time dealing with these issues... especially if they have met you before.  Earn your wings girl.  You need to win a certain level of respect.  Most of them will come around and will learn wonderful things about TS people from your example.

You'll likely never completely lose your TS fame where you currently work.  They only real way out is to find employment somewhere else.  But girl, there will always be times in your life when you have to face this issue.  Even the most gorgeous TS women I've known will still get called "he" and "sir" in public once in a while.  It just happens.

So be happy that your employer is supportive. Be friendly. Enjoy your new found freedom. Make some new friends.  And don worry 'bout it.

Cindi

[Melissa]

Exactly my attitude on the matter Cindi.  To give you a background, at my workplace they have been extremely good treating me as a woman.  They don't even gossip about me to new employees.  I know that because when I told a friend at work about me who had started after I transitioned, she said she had heard absolutely no mention of it.  I treat the transition as a non-issue and and so do others.  Many times I hear them refer to me as Melissa and she when they are talking about me where they don't think I would be able to hear.  However, I have had a few pronoun slips by a couple people and it was obvious they weren't thinking too clearly at each of those times.  So, my situation is very similar to yours.

I know it wasn't their intention to slip.  I actually don't mind the pronoun slip from time to time.  There are so many more important things in life to worry about and unless they are obviously being vindictive, I see no reason to confront them about it.  Especially if they have a look of horror or apology after slipping.  So my advice is to see if they try harder or if it's something that occurs on a regular basis.  If it's only occasion, I wouldn't worry about it.

Melissa

[angelsgirl]

Hmm...Jocelyn and I have this mutual friend who after a year still gets confused with the pronouns. It's not on purpose and he apologizes or cringes as soon as he realizes it.  It's kind of funny to listen to, actually because it goes something like this: "I saw Jocelyn today and he said that..." or like this: "I called up Josh earlier but she wasn't home..."

Jocelyn isn't too bothered by it and never says anything (except in public she gets annoyed for good reason). I'm usually the hot-headed one that'll be like "Who? Who are you talking about? I don't see any Josh's here!" or "We're both girls so who are you referring to?"

Of course, my approach probably isn't the best!  

[beckster]

Hi Folks, thanks for the replies - they certainly have helped to clarify things in my mind.  I was sitting in work thinking about things today and maybe I am just getting a little too wound up about it.  Maybe there is no right or wrong answer to this one but on the whole I am thinking that if someone makes a slipup and has that look of horror then maybe it is worth just letting it go.  If someone says something and doesn't realise then maybe that is the time to make a lighthearted remark along the lines of what Beth mentioned.  If its becoming a habit then maybe something a little more serious is needed or I can raise it to my HR manager.  So think I have a plan here, although something angelsgirl touched on still niggles me - that being the slipups in public or in front of other people who dont know me.

The thing that is niggling me is when these slipups are made in front of a whole team, that team might have say 5 new members who have only been on the team for a few weeks and haven't really met me yet.  The last time someone called me "he" instead of "she" quite a few new people on that team turned round and gave me and odd look and then looked back at the person who had called me "he" as if to say "what are you talking about ?".  I know its probably not done on purpose but as I say I just don't want new people to knowing all about my past, but as someone has already pointed out maybe this whole thing is just something you don't get away from, at least not until you move in to a new job with people who have never known you !!  On a positive side though I was talking to one of the teams today whilst it was quiet and someone from another team called over to someone on the team I was talking to and asked who I was.  The answer was "its just Becky, she's our quality manager", the other girl just nodded, replied "ohhh" and carried on working.  So maybe at the end of the day its just a case of chilling out with the whole thing, but it does make you stop and wonder in a weird sort of way - do I have more of a problem with this subject than the other members of staff do, lol ?  Is it all just in my mind !!!!

Anyways folks, thanks again for the advice.

Becky

xx

[brina]

Hiee Becky,

  I would ask what you sound like now that you are in transition. In my work my work voice is very obviously male due to my having to turn up the volume. The company I work for is aware that I am transexual and in transition. I have the same experience and it comes and goes some times its she this or hers etc and other times its he or his. I suspect it is most notably due to my voice quality at work which painfully is NOT Good. The guys do seem to try on occassion and that is more then I really expected .

Byee,
  Brina

[beckster]

Hi Brina, that's and interesting question.  

The thing that has worried me the most over the last 14 months has been my voice.  Before I went full time I was fairly comfortable with how I looked but I was always asking my friends inside and outside work about how my voice sounded. They have all said it sounds fine and there have been times my friends have introduced me to their husbands/family or their other friends and when we have been chatting I haven't been given a second glance.  Even when I went for voice therapy the specialist didn't think there was much she could do for me and we didn't really get round to much therapy.  

So on the whole I think my voice is okay, although it getting your voice to match your appearance can be one of the trickiest things by the sound of it !!

Becky

xx

[SusanK]

Hi Everyone,

How are we all ?  Am wondering if anyone can spare me a few minutes to give me their thoughts on a little dilemma I am having in work at the moment ...

However, it has now been 14 months since I went full time and some people are still using "he" when they refer to me.  Generally I don't like to say anything as these slip ups normally occur when there are a group of people around me and you can normally see from the persons reaction that they have realized what they have said.  Ideally its something I should probably address directly with the person in some way, but I can't really pull them to one side or take them away from the job they are doing for a quick chat - it's a call centre and the staff are pretty much nailed to a desk with a headset on !!

How about, smiling and saying, "Sorry, Luv, he (like Elvis) left the buildiing awhile ago. If you want to talk to me now...", or "I'm sorry, I left my Mr. title in my other purse.", or you can go on from there.

Don't make it a joke, but use humor with them individually. When I was a supervisor I always tried to find some small personal ways with each staff member to make them smile, first pointing it at me and then eventually they accepted (innocently) pointing it at them. For example, when a staff member made a mistake, I would often say, "Well, that wasn't the brightest thing you've done recently."

Just a thought. A smile and humor go a long way to teaching people.

--Susan--

[beckster]

Lol, you definitely can't beat dealing with things in a humorous way I think.  Am glad there have been so many suggestions as it's definitely something I don't need to make any issue out of, think its more a case of me being prepared to deal with it as it normal catches me off guard.

Had an interesting day in work today as have walked several times through the part of the office where our internet tech support agents sit.  They are mostly blokes and I don't think I have ever had so many doors opened for me and nice smiles as I have had today.  I can only presume I must look like some amazing goddess or they don't to see girls very often     Either way it's been quite reassuring and as I have said I feel it's just a case of being prepared to deal with slipups as and when they happen in an appropriate way.

Becky
xx

[angelsgirl]

Amazing goddess, by your pic!

[cindianna_jones]

Yea... what angelsgirl said.  You are as cute as a bug.  I mean that only in its most complementary sentiment.

May you have many more doors opened for you.  You deserve it.

Cindi

[beckster]

Thank you both for the compliments ... for once I am actually stuck for something to say so will just leave it at a thank you !! 

Becky
xx