Why can't people take hints?

[Devyn]

In fact, this isn't even hinting. This is shoving it in her face.

So, my friend who moved to Japan has been talking to me lately on AIM and we're really close and what not. Whenever I get depressed like I have been recently, she asks why, and I tell her that it's because of gender issues. I've told her about my phantom penis, about how I don't like anything about being a girl, how I bind to make my chest smaller, I joke about being a guy all of the time and she's even joked about me being her "other boyfriend".

Once, I told her that I'm an "it", not seriously, of course - this was before I felt like one gender. I felt like either or neither, you know?

I told her I was getting a therapist because I've been having gender depression and I can't handle it anymore. I've even told her I have gender dysphoria.


And yet, she still thinks of me as a girl and such. She does call me her "man whore" (a guy who is a whore - I'm still a virgin, btw) though, so I guess that's something.  I mean, I've practically TOLD her. It's not even a hint anymore. It's more like a "HEY. I'M A DUDE." in-your-face hint.

[Fencesitter]

Sounds to me that she guesses or knows that you're kind of transsexual or genderqueer and kind of understands that you're an "it" or "he" in a "she" body. But maybe she defines a man in a woman's body as being a "girl" as the body is female. (A friend of mine is like that, too.) It's more a question of wording and definitions than lack of understanding the concept I think.

Plus you did not tell her directly that you're transsexual or genderqueer. No really clear outing with words too - no clear reference. Might even be she does not want to shock you by saying it directly, or to put a label on you which you had not told her you accept for yourself.

I think it's useful that you have dropped more and more hints, so she could get used to the idea. (I did the same with my parents, and I think it worked better than slamming it directly into their face as a big surprise.)

[Alexmakenoise]

It sounds like she gets that you're genderqueer.  Maybe she's still referring to you as a girl and using female pronouns because you haven't clearly asked her to do otherwise. 

Like Fencesitter, I did a lot of hint-dropping before coming out to people.  I think it's a really good way to come out - before making anything personal you get to see people's perceptions of TS, you're giving them a chance to think about these things beforehand so they'll be less shocked, you can decide how and when to come out based on their reactions to the hints, etc.  It's worked for me so far.

[Bluetraveler]

Once, I told her that I'm an "it", not seriously, of course - this was before I felt like one gender. I felt like either or neither, you know?

sorry if I'm curious, but what made you identify with being male then?

[Devyn]

sorry if I'm curious, but what made you identify with being male then?

Because I'm a guy. I've always been a little on the feminine and girly side so before I considered myself trans, I thought of myself as androgyne because I didn't know transguys could actually be girly.

[Nicky]

So frustrating. I was really surprised that people were supprised I was a transexual. I thought it was obvious. Guess not.

Well all you need to do tell her how you want to be treated "call me he". People don't take hints.

I didn't know any trans people growing up, and this is probably the same for most people. So it is outside their realms of experience, you have to tell them how to act as they don't know and will stick to the default world view.

[Devyn]

So frustrating. I was really surprised that people were supprised I was a transexual. I thought it was obvious. Guess not.

Well all you need to do tell her how you want to be treated "call me he". People don't take hints.

I didn't know any trans people growing up, and this is probably the same for most people. So it is outside their realms of experience, you have to tell them how to act as they don't know and will stick to the default world view.

That's what I plan to do next time we talk. She's pretty cool with transpeople after all - and I've noticed she'll correct somebody if they call a transperson by the wrong pronouns. So I'm sure that if I tell her she'll be cool with it.

Actually, what hurt the most was when I tried telling one of my other friends. We're supposedly really close yet she never believes me when I tell her something serious. I tried telling her I feel like a guy and she told me that she can't see it because I'm too feminine. She's friends with another transguy who is out and all that. So I don't see why she wouldn't believe me if she's also cool with transsexual/transgendered people.