First visit to endo this morning

[Melody Maia]

Had my first visit to the endocrinologist this morning. For some reason, kept breaking into tears on the way when anything remotely emotional came up on my iPhone music playlist. I guess this is the next major step in my transition and it brought up all kinds of feelings. Not sad tears, just indicative of all the pain that has finally brought me here.

He was a very kind older gentlemen with lots of experience with trans people. I liked him right away. After a series of questions, got into a hospital gown and he proceeded to check me out in places no one has seen but my wife in 15 years! I have gynecomastia, so he checked out my breasts. Said my left one was mostly fat, but that my right one had milk duct glands in them. Leftovers from hormonal issues during puberty. This news actually made me happy as if I was halfway to women-hood already. B-cups without HRT. Hopefully, assuming that nothing comes up in my blood work next week, HRT will make the girls grow even more.

Last couple of days have been rough in the relationship department and I was glad to be taking more positive steps.

[Jillieann Rose]

Congratulation Girl!
Your on your way.
Jillieann

[Colleen Ireland]

Last couple of days have been rough in the relationship department and I was glad to be taking more positive steps.

WTG, Melody!  Scary, isn't it?  I hope to be where you're at in maybe 6 months or so.  I hear ya about the relationship dept.  Is your wife supportive?  Last weekend, I mentioned to my wife that I had shaved my chest and tummy earlier in the week, and that I had bought a wax kit because shaving didn't seem like it'd get me where I want to go, but that I couldn't do my back.  She reluctantly did my back, but then was silent the rest of the evening, and since then, she sits slightly apart from me on the couch.  She seems to be pulling away.  Is that the sort of stuff you're referring to?

[Melody Maia]

WTG, Melody!  Scary, isn't it?  I hope to be where you're at in maybe 6 months or so.  I hear ya about the relationship dept.  Is your wife supportive?  Last weekend, I mentioned to my wife that I had shaved my chest and tummy earlier in the week, and that I had bought a wax kit because shaving didn't seem like it'd get me where I want to go, but that I couldn't do my back.  She reluctantly did my back, but then was silent the rest of the evening, and since then, she sits slightly apart from me on the couch.  She seems to be pulling away.  Is that the sort of stuff you're referring to?

No, my wife has gone as far as buying me clothes. I would characterize her as generally supportive. However, she is still struggling mightily with what this means for our marriage and she can get quite angry at times. She will buy me heels one minute, break down bawling the next and then tell me she no longer feels like I am her husband and doesn't quite know how to feel about me. It is a bit like living with someone with multiple personalities. This is such a bizarre thing to deal with in a marriage that not much material exists on how to handle it. The uncertainty is killing us.

[Colleen Ireland]

See if your wife will read "True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism" by Mildred L. Brown.  You can order it from Amazon.  I got it for my wife (it's mainly for friends, family, SO's, etc.).  I read it - it's very good, if somewhat dated.  But... my wife is "too busy" to read it - she's read a little.  I hear you on the emotional roller-coaster.  How does your wife feel about you starting HRT?

[Jillieann Rose]

I really don't know what's ahead for you hon but her is my story so far.
When I told my wife she seemed fine about it at first and than when the full impact of the situation hit her she freaked out. She forbid me to be dressed around her and forbid me to go out dressed.
I almost lost her. She went and got psychiatric help for a few year. She was about ready to move out of the house and had moved out of our bedroom  so I backed down as far as transitioning.  A few months ago she said that she had forgave me.
And things are much better now but will never be the same as before. We are very good friends.
I am now slowly transitioning again and will see what happens.
Melody I hope you fair better than I have.
Jillieann

[Melody Maia]

Colleen,
Yes, we have both read True Selves. I have a therapist and she has her own as well. My next session we are actually going in together. I am interested to see how that turns out.

I have also read "She's Not There" by Jennifer Boylan. Autobiography about her transition from 40 year old, married father of two to Jennifer. Great book. Made me laugh and cry. Also read the followup book. We are both now reading "She's Not the Man I Married." This is the followup to "My Husband Betty." Betty was about her husband's crossdressing. Second book is about her possible transition. Her husband did indeed eventually transition and they are still together.

Jillieann,
Yes, my story is different. My wife actually encourages me to dress in the house and even try going out. She has actually been a great guide when it comes to the practical bits of dressing etc. This actually she can handle as a friend. However, marriage is not all about friendship. It is these other parts she is having trouble with. I don't know what is going to happen to us either. I am hopeful, but I am not naive and neither is she. As I said, one day at a time.

[Ashley Allison]

Gosh, congratulations... That is a really big step, and I can definitely see the emotionality driving over there to the endocrinologist's Again, congratulations on this big step.

[Colleen Ireland]

I have a therapist and she has her own as well. My next session we are actually going in together. I am interested to see how that turns out.

Wow, Melody, I'm jealous.  My wife doesn't even know about my name.  I can just IMAGINE how it would go for her to come to a therapy session where I'm dressed, and the therapist is calling me Colleen and using female pronouns.  That WOULD be interesting, lol (in a sad way).  I know I'm going to have to have a heart-to-heart with my wife very soon.  Let her know that I've noticed her pulling away from me in response to the chest/back waxing thing.  And that the more I explore this, the more convinced I am that this is right.  And see where we go from there.  I'm not optimistic, based on evidence so far.  But I'm keeping an open mind, and hoping for the best.  You take care, and let us know how the therapy session goes...

[Melody Maia]

Wow, Melody, I'm jealous.  My wife doesn't even know about my name.  I can just IMAGINE how it would go for her to come to a therapy session where I'm dressed, and the therapist is calling me Colleen and using female pronouns.  That WOULD be interesting, lol (in a sad way).  I know I'm going to have to have a heart-to-heart with my wife very soon.  Let her know that I've noticed her pulling away from me in response to the chest/back waxing thing.  And that the more I explore this, the more convinced I am that this is right.  And see where we go from there.  I'm not optimistic, based on evidence so far.  But I'm keeping an open mind, and hoping for the best.  You take care, and let us know how the therapy session goes...

All of our situations are different. To what extent the situation with my wife can help someone else, I don't know. She actually came up with the name Melody. However, I have never been to the therapist dressed. I haven't gone anywhere dressed yet, but I will soon. Like I said, she is ok with these parts, but the romantic love part is difficult. In the end, should your wife react badly and my wife not be able to handle marriage to Melody, we may end up at the same point. Trust me, there has been lots of drama and heart ache. No need for jealousy. All I can say is that we are trying our best.

[Colleen Ireland]

Thanks, Melody (I really like that name, BTW).  I realize every situation is different.  I wish you all the best, and I know you do likewise.  If you haven't already found one, see if there is a good trans support group in your area.  I've found one, and it's a real godsend.  They're also trying to get a significant other support group going, and I've been asked to tell my wife about it, but I know she won't go at this point.  Maybe sometime.  Anyway, support groups are great (and it's one more venue where I can dress in safety).  Sure wish all this was a lot easier!  Not only for ourselves, but for our SO's as well...

[Melody Maia]

Thanks, Melody (I really like that name, BTW).  I realize every situation is different.  I wish you all the best, and I know you do likewise.  If you haven't already found one, see if there is a good trans support group in your area.  I've found one, and it's a real godsend.  They're also trying to get a significant other support group going, and I've been asked to tell my wife about it, but I know she won't go at this point.  Maybe sometime.  Anyway, support groups are great (and it's one more venue where I can dress in safety).  Sure wish all this was a lot easier!  Not only for ourselves, but for our SO's as well...

Yes, I live in the Houston area and we have a trans support center. Just like yours, they are trying to start up an so group. My wife would actually love this. Life has gotten in the way of me going to any meetings myself. I will eventually. I admit I am petrified of going out dressed no matter how much my wife says I can pass. I need to learn to do makeup and hair before I gain that confidence.

My biggest regret is how this is affecting my wife. In "She's Not There" Jennifer Boylan writes about her wife Grace and says something like "I will never regret being female, but I will always regret not being Grace's husband." I feel that way too and it is a personally devastating admission.

Thank you for the compliment on my chosen name. I have decided to add Maia (pronounced Maya) as a middle name. It is a Spanish spelling. I am latina and I want to bring back a little of my ethnicity to my name that Melody scrubbed out because my boy first name is Spanish, but my last name is French.

Yes, I do indeed wish you the best. Hope things go well when you do have that talk.   

[Jillieann Rose]

Oh and what I didn't tell you is that we now more like friends.
She has told me that she was not a lesbian and not the lest bit interested in women.
Yes we do occasional kiss, but that it and I'm sure it's fine with her.
She never cared for sex anyway.
Jillieann