Yo.. anyone else feel like this?

[Tad]

As i've been reading through these forums these last few months.. I've noticed that for the most part.. people seem to have a hatred for their bodies... and I feel, weird? Because I don't?

I mean.. I don't like binding.. and I don't like the fact that my chest isn't flat if I'm not binding.. but I don't hate my chest? I've grown to accept that it's there. I look forward to the day when I won't have to worry about binding, and when I can go out in public without a Tshirt - even if I am horribly scarred.. lolz.. but I don't have hatred for my chest like alot of people I see on here.. it doesn't cause me much depression? only on rare occaisions. I guess maybe it's because it looks pretty much masculine if I have a binder on.. and a tshirt..

Same with the downstairs area.. I used to get really emo about that - only when thinking about sex.. but finding a suitable packer that I can pull out on those occaisions has completely gotten rid of that emoness. Sure, I really wish I had a penis.. but it's not a huge deal that I don't atm. And here I'd probably be way more upset.. if it was normal for people to walk around without pants on.. I would avoid public situations then.. because everyone would see I'm female.. but since that isn't the case.. whatever? I know I'm male, and clothed people see me as male.. so it's not such a huge deal?

I guess I kinda feel out of place here... I want all the surgeries, but my motivations aren't out of hatred for my body. More just to reaffirm that I am male, and to allow me to persue my male life to even a better degree then I already do. I can see hating my body more.. if for some reason it caused me not to pass.. but since I pass.. I guess it doesn't bother me so much.. I donno.. I've also heard from people who are all through the processes, that one should wait til you have grown to accept your current body.. before heading in for surgeries.. so maybe I'm on the right track - though that advice seems a little.. off? Though I think they were trying to get at the point that you shouldn't be transitioning because of your body.. but because of what's inside you - your personality and stuff.

Just my observations.. donno why I'm posting this. Just wanted to get stuff out of my head and down on paper.

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Some guys are more dysphoric than others. Sounds to me like you're just less dysphoric...which is good.  My best friend is sorta like you. He knows his body is wrong, but he can deal with it better than some guys and he simply sees those parts as male and surgery will make them completely male. I absolutely hate my body, but the longer I'm on T and it changes, I can deal with it more but I still hate the parts that don't belong. I've always been EXTREMELY dysphoric though.

[notyouraverageguy]

Yes, I do.
I can empathize with you.
Im not extremely dysphoric about my girl bits.
Yes I get frustrated with not having the right downstiars part, and yes I hate binding and having to deal with my chest, but its not because I dislike them. I just want my outside to match my brain.
I don't pass 100% of the time, so idk if I can say anything about it being related to that.
But I have also learned to deal with it, and be ok with what I have. I too want top surgery, and im really self conscious about my chest but its not like I hate it so much that ill go to extreme measures.. Well, not yet at least.

[Devyn]

I'm way more dysphoric about my upstairs than downstairs. I think that has something with the fact that I'm able to ignore my downstairs easier than my upstairs, so to speak.

Honestly, I don't really hate my downstairs. I mean, I know it makes me uncomfortable, but it's not something that makes me spiral into depression like my upstairs does. Unless I have to see that my downstairs is there for a while - like if I'm taking a bath.

[Farm Boy]

I feel like that about my downstairs.  I'd rather it were something else, but I've gotten used to it.  Nobody else sees it either, so that's different from my chest.  I really do hate my chest.  It's gotten worse, too.  It's getting to the point that I can't stand being in public without binding.

[kyle_lawrence]

for me the amount of dysphoria I have really depends on the situation.  I hate my body, but for completely different reasons than most of you guys (scoliosis, spinal fusion, etc...).  I'm lucky to be within the average male height range, and on the skinny side, so my hips and chest are pretty small.  I think it would be worse if I was shorter or curvier.

My chest doesn't bother me when I'm around the house or with close friends, but if I'm out in public at a bar, or shopping or with people I don't know as well, I feel really self conscious if I'm not binding.  Its not so much that I hate my chest, but I would rather not have to deal with it.

My downstairs doesn't really bother me (other than constantly thinking  that vagina's are very strange), and I've never worn a packer.

[insideontheoutside]

If anyone should feel out of place here it's me since I'm not doing surgery or T

As for hating my body, well I hate my chest, but it's more annoying than anything. It doesn't make me depressed. I think for me the dysphoria was worse when I was much younger. But the longer I've lived the more I've realized that changing my body into the idealized one I always thought I should have was pretty much a pipe dream, so I might as well get used to it. There's plenty of other things I could get emo and depressed about but my body really isn't one of those things.

[Meepit]

Yeah I can relate. I feel like I was "blessed" with good upstairs-bits and just a girlish body overall that I feel like chicks would envy if I was actually a girl (perhaps I'm getting a bit over the top  ). But yeah I don't really get too beat up about them anymore. While growing up I used to be all "&#$^($ Stop growing dammit   ", but now I just avoid them and they usually don't cause me any trouble. I don't bind and have never worn ANYTHING up top to even acknowledge them though (had some interesting times....) I've just worn an undershirt all my life.

The bottom doesn't bug me unless I'm thinking about sex  . Then I REALLY notice something's wrong down low. Actually, recently I was in a car for a LONG time and needed to pee really really badly, but there were no rest stops  . Would've been handy to have one then as well....or at least an STP.

So all in all, you're not alone  .

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Let me rephrase. I never have and never will accept what I have until it's fixed with surgery. It just becomes easier to deal with without feeling suicidal when I see or notice it. I bind at all costs, and people who know me yell at me for being so stubborn. But it's how I am.

[Vancha]

I feel like you, Leo.  I'm extremely dysphoric.  When I have good days, it's just lesser, but it's always there.  A lot has to do with how much I pay attention to it, but the majority of the time, I pay a lot of attention.  I am dysphoric about every part of me that isn't really "male".  I will always be dysphoric about "downstairs" until there is a surgical technique that's good enough for me.  (Transplant, most likely).  I know it's extreme, but that is the way I feel.  Everyone is different.  Some people are not so sensitive about it, or don't require as much from their bodies to be happy.  I envy those people.  Certainly there is nothing wrong with feeling better about your body than I do about mine.

[Aegir]

I can empathize. It may be because I can't seem to do anything to get myself to pass, but I generally try to dress how I think I should look and then ignore what I look like to other people once I've done what I can with what I have, so I don't go crazy and act like the Angry Marines (all angry, all the time) the way I did in highschool. I don't actively hate my tits despite that the fact they're there at all feels wrong, or the little curve between my hips and ribcage; not even my bum. I kindof despise that I'm 5'2", but I hear Kurt Cobain wasn't much taller and he was a pretty cool guy so I don't have to be unhappy about it.  I mostly dislike these things because they make people think of me as a woman and associate feminine standards and stereotypes with me. IN the past, a few people have gone so far as to assume I wear makeup and ask me for tips or ask to borrow some. I got a little twinge of anger, but mostly I wondered if it really looked like I was wearing makeup or it they just expected me to be. I used to be way, way angrier about my female features before the wrong puberty came to an end, but I guess I've either learned some way to ignore them most of the time, or I just calmed down a lot. Probably a little of both.

I only really feel upset about my outward appearance when someone says something to remind me that I am undeniably presenting female or I see an image of myself in a photo or a mirror; I can tolerate being "she'd", as much as I ignore it I know what I look like, but after I refer to myself with masculine terms a few times and someone has to point out "But you're a woman" I get... upset to make an understatement. I don't really defend myself when it happens, I don't like to make a scene and especially not in public over something I know doesn't seem like  big deal to anyone but me, but I really do seethe about it. I generally offer a weak-sauce "And who besides you gives a ->-bleeped-<-?" I'm hoping that getting more muscle on me will help; I passed slightly better (but not much x.x) when I was more muscular but I really let myself out of shape when I had to move down south for a year and a half and now I have to try for all that back. BUT I digress.

My vagina, on the other hand, I am straight up depressed about. I really, really wish it were a penis. I could tolerate people thinking I look feminine if I had a penis, because... well... I don't even know. I'd just feel so much better. Bottom surgery had better improve a lot quickly x.x I've calmed down about it a bit now that I've finished having the wrong puberty; I used to get a little suicidal over it, but now I generally just get kinda bummed out. While I'm using it to have sex I'm more OK with it, but I think there's a coping mechanism in there somewhere. I guess I figure as long as I have it, better there than in my bum. x.x

[Ryan]

Tad, your post sums up exactly how I feel.

[Kentrie]

I'm dealing with depression for a different reason than my body dysphoria so I'm apathetic and lack thought and feeling all the time but my top part really bothers me because when I sit in my room without my shirt on or I work out I'll get depressed about my chest not being flat but I can push the thought away and I'm not really that dysphoric with my bottom part even when I do think about sex but sometimes the thought will hit meat once and I'll get depressed for a moment and then push it away so I don't know what's going on with me.