I've been away from this forum for a couple of years, because it was becoming an obsession, while at the same time daily life was demanding my attention. Then a couple of weeks ago, the rabbi at my synagogue led a service and discussion supportive of transgendered people. She passed out a sheet of definitions that included genderqueer, but not androgyne. I wanted to question that but didn't feel it would contribute to more open and empathetic treatment of mtf/ftms. I spoke toward that, but said nothing about androgynes or about me. Still, that was enough to drive me back to this forum.
I feel a lot like Dostoyevsky's Man from the Underground, who frequently writes paragraphs like: "It would even be better if I myself believed at least something of all the things I've just written. I swear to you, gentlemen, that I don't believe a word, not one little word, of all the things I've just scribbled! That is, I do believe it, perhaps, but at the same time, who knows why, I feel and suspect that I'm lying like a shoemaker." It takes me forever to write entries like this, because I keep arguing with myself about what I feel, what's true, what's real, and what's important.
I present as a male. Yes, I wear size 18 tops, but they are not overtly femme. I have a pony tail, as long as it will grow--and a full beard. I wear pink and lavender shirts, with a couple of buttons open to display on a delicate silver chain a small silver circle with the Hebrew inscription that means--I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine. My wife bought it for me in Israel in lieu of a wedding ring. I have never tried to pass as a female, not one hour, not even on Halloween (among my least favorite holidays).
I check M on a myriad of forms. I discuss my gender with none but my wife, who is also my best friend; I confront no one; I argue with no one. Still, my wife has one friend who has asked her not to bring me to the house, because I don't mix well with her husband and his guy friends. Every test I have taken over many years has indicated I am "feminine". I consistently feel feminine. I have always preferred the company of females to males, and will never join a male-only voluntary group. I often bump into or step on things because the body image I have in my mind is smaller with more curves. Still, I am happy and thankful to have a body that functions well, given my age.
Still, all I want is to be able to do what society considers feminine and to have other women regard me as a peer. Like some here, I would welcome a low-dose of estrogen. I had an all too brief experience with the T-blocker finestride (for prostate problems) , which allowed my body some, mostly temporary, feminizing and a feeling of excitement and euphoria I have never experienced before or since.
Maybe, my wife of 22 years is beginning to understand. She said she doesn't understand why her women's spirituality group doesn't want her to bring me. "After all, my friend brings her [female bodied] partner." I was lying in bed on my side, when she ran her hand along my thighs and said: "Curves." She suggested one day, we play that I have the innie and she has the outie. She has helped pick out a couple of my tops.
Yet, at the end of the day, I am at a loss when trying to describe my gender. It is not my sex; it is not a cultural artifact; it is not the roles I play within the culture. I have feared all my life, others would find out what I have always known: I am not a guy. And I don't describe my gender because I can't.
S
