Should I act?

[JessicaR]

  I have my own, personal hater at work....

  I work for a large home improvement retailer with about 130 employees. I feel very fortunate that almost all of of my coworkers have been pretty cool throughout my transition. Even the one Christian fundamentalist and I have come to a peace.... We've agreed that we just don't understand each other but we still say, "hi," and try to make small talk... We've both come a long way. I've been out at work for two years; I've been living full time for over a year and feel that I've completed social transition.

  But then there's Paula. I never had much to do with her until I changed departments but I noticed something odd with her when I started working in hers. At first, I thought that I might have done something to offend her personally... She would ignore me, not even look at me when I would go to cover her break. I tried to break the ice, attempting a greeting or thanking her when she covered me, but she wouldn't even acknowledge my presence. I recently asked a known friend of hers if there was something I did that made her dislike me; I was told, "She ignores you because of what you are."

  I've also found out that she waits to go to into the ladies' room until there's no one inside for fear that I might be. When I have to cover her break or lunch, there's no communication; There's no indication of what she was doing because she won't even look at me, much less talk to me.
   I think that what hurts the most is that I see coworkers that I consider my friends talking and laughing with her but the hostility she feels for me is tangible. She very obviously treats me differently because I'm Trans.

   I know that this is blatant discrimination, but what effect would there be if I went to management? Is it really worth it? She's tho only one, out of all my coworkers, that has such a problem with me. If not for me, would I be making an advance, however small, for Transgendered acceptance or should I save the oil for bigger fish to fry?

[Hermione01]

I think it may be hard to report odd behaviour like co-worker ignoring you.  I suppose you could say the environment is toxic and hard to work in. 
Management would probably set up mediation where you both get to air your grievances.  But she could come up with some ideas that may be hard to fight, like her freedom to express her feelings.  She really can act that way without being in trouble. 
Not nice behaviour, but ignorance roars it's ugly head in peculiar ways.

I also wanted to say I notice quite a few people, male and female act this way.  It's bad when they do it to a customer and definitely can be reported, but to a co-worker?  Idk. My two cents. 

[justmeinoz]

If she is the only person out of 130 who has a problem, than you have a 99. something %  success rate!!

[Janet_Girl]

Most employers have policies in place regarding a hostile work place.  If she is making your workplace feel as though is in hostile, then report it.  Otherwise you may need to change departments.  Or take to a supervisor and see if there can be some kind of meditation.  Finding out why she is acting this way may help her get over it.

[gennee]

I don't know if there is much you can do if someone doesn't like you. If someone does something to threaten, injure, or attack you then you have another issue. You've tried to open the door but she won't come in so it's best to leave her be.

Gennee

[Cruelladeville]

My rule for peeps in general is an equation based one:

30% will actively dislike me......30% of people will be totally indifferent to me....about another 30% will sorta like me.... and get in the main what I'm about... and occasionally share a smile with me.... 

Which leaves the rest....the very important 8%.... whom I connect with on a far deeper level....

The remaining 2%....they're the ones I give my heart to....

My experience of working as an employee while transitioning with folks knowing my past....was in the main, not that successful....(on a personal emotional) and co-worker disappointment/tension level....

Noble a lot of peeps simply ain't - when carrying their own toxic internal baggage.... hey ho!

And regarding those dumb-arse bigoted 10-20% you'll encounter....they're not worth wasting good energy over....do what you need to do to survive....keep getting paid until you can get nice & cleanly out Jessica....

(Excellent working references as a woman are key for moving along)

However, once I was through the net and a good few years through to the other side....I simply kept silent about my past... and left it off my CV

With much better results especially financially....lol

[Dana Lane]

I have a situation similar to this but it isn't as much in my face as your situation is. Most of the work I do with this one guy who obviously has a problem is via electronic means. Via web applications and email, etc. But if I ever run into him in the building our outside he quickly turns his head from me and scatters away like he is trying to get away from cooties that have 6" razor sharp teeth or something. While I do somewhat consider this a bit of a hostile work environment when he is near me I haven't reported it yet. I did tell my boss about it and he is ready to go to HR if I want him to.

In your situation it is in your face every single day. If I was in your shoes I would be marching straight to HR (if they have a non-discrimination trans-friendly policy). If they don't have a good HR policy I might be a bit nervous but I would probably go to HR anyways.

[fries]

When I have to cover her break or lunch, there's no communication; There's no indication of what she was doing because she won't even look at me, much less talk to me.

If her behavior is impacting your ability to work because she doesn't communicate with you (when it's necessary in order to do your job) then I'd say that's reason enough to go to HR.

[Tammy Hope]

a few thoughts.

first, possibly peer pressure might help - do you have co-workers that are supportive enough to speak up on your behalf? first by seeing if they can fel her out and see if she's willing to discuss her discomfort (with them) and failing that, mention to your common supervisor that THEY sense there's a bit of a difficult spot you are being put in

second, an informal discussion with your boss is in order, if for no other reason than just to make him/her aware of the potential for drama

third, is transferring to a different area where you don't have to interact with her a possibility (or even her being transferred)?

[Britney_413]

Sounds like a tough situation but one that may be easy to handle. First, there will never be 100% acceptance anywhere you go. This is not just about trans issues but any issue. You cannot get all people to like you. Sometimes it works in reverse where the more popular you are the more hated you become. Every President is hated by about 50% or more of the country for instance. What this really comes down to is whether or not her attitude is a pesonal issue or a business issue. Nobody is required to socialize with anyone for any reason. Suppose I don't like black people. It would be my right not to socialize with them. It doesn't make it right but that is how things are. When it becomes a business issue is when you should report it to management. If she refuses to communicate with you for business purposes (i.e. you need to discuss scheduling with her) or is openly hostile towards you making it difficult for you to perform your required work tasks, then it is a problem. Other than that, I look it at like this: if someone doesn't like me and wants to ignore me, fine; I won't like them either and I'll ignore them as well. Until she directly interferes with your work operations it isn't an issue, just a personal matter that should not involve management's attention.

[rite_of_inversion]

I second the informal (and private!) discussion with the supervisor-provided you know your super won't do something amazingly dumb about it, like assign you two to work together to force you to work it out or some nonsense.

But right now? she's being a real creep, but she's not doing anything improper.   And I suspect she's being careful to *not* do anything improper, so as to keep her job.  I don't blame her on that.
I think your best bet is to leave her alone as much as possible.   Beyond that, since she's obviously transphobic, I would suggest that she's capable of possibly making wild accusations in your general direction due to misunderstandings.  Not likely, but I would avoid her right back, try not to notice her, look at her, or be where she is if you can help it without disobeying orders or peeing on yourself.

If you do have to talk to her, be very polite, formal, state things precisely and concisely, and then go away again.

Your goal here is to keep making a paycheck, right? not to get everyone to like you and get the whole world to hold hands and sing Kumbaya and whatnot.
I think it's good that she's the only one at this job with this attitude, also that she's not actively plotting a way to get you fired.  I wouldn't rock that boat if you can help it.

And don't let her get you down either, my friend. You're good people, and she's a bigot.  Haters gonna hate.

[Cindy]

It would appear that she has the problem and not you, or your co-workers. Then she needs to be helped to deal with the problem, whatever that problem may be.  It is unclear to me what she has a problem with. Is it your gender/sexuality? Is it hers? Is it work related our life related? Maybe she fancies you and doesn't know how to proceed?

Cindy

[Asfsd4214]

  I have my own, personal hater at work....

  I work for a large home improvement retailer with about 130 employees. I feel very fortunate that almost all of of my coworkers have been pretty cool throughout my transition. Even the one Christian fundamentalist and I have come to a peace.... We've agreed that we just don't understand each other but we still say, "hi," and try to make small talk... We've both come a long way. I've been out at work for two years; I've been living full time for over a year and feel that I've completed social transition.

  But then there's Paula. I never had much to do with her until I changed departments but I noticed something odd with her when I started working in hers. At first, I thought that I might have done something to offend her personally... She would ignore me, not even look at me when I would go to cover her break. I tried to break the ice, attempting a greeting or thanking her when she covered me, but she wouldn't even acknowledge my presence. I recently asked a known friend of hers if there was something I did that made her dislike me; I was told, "She ignores you because of what you are."

  I've also found out that she waits to go to into the ladies' room until there's no one inside for fear that I might be. When I have to cover her break or lunch, there's no communication; There's no indication of what she was doing because she won't even look at me, much less talk to me.
   I think that what hurts the most is that I see coworkers that I consider my friends talking and laughing with her but the hostility she feels for me is tangible. She very obviously treats me differently because I'm Trans.

   I know that this is blatant discrimination, but what effect would there be if I went to management? Is it really worth it? She's tho only one, out of all my coworkers, that has such a problem with me. If not for me, would I be making an advance, however small, for Transgendered acceptance or should I save the oil for bigger fish to fry?

I tend to believe that attack, and forceful acceptance, in the long run do nothing but harm us.

If I were in your position, I think I'd try to change her attitude. See if you can get your more friendly coworkers to get her to give you a chance, then show her that you're a normal human being just like her. 

[Cindy]

I think this is a difficult one. As a manager I would counsel the two people involved to be polite to each other and ensure that their work does not suffer. You cannot counsel people to like each other, or to respect each other. There are many examples in sporting teams for example, where mutual cooperation was paramount to achieve the outcome but members of the team loathed each other.
In your case, Jessica, I would hold my head up high, do the job, be polite and cooperative and ignore her otherwise. One day she may understand, but it will never be forced.

And you can always name your lavatory 'paula' , sorry I just meant it as a joke.

Cindy

[rejennyrated]

Back when I transitioned I had only one person who was difficult, a young lad from Manchester named Ian. He just made it very obvious that he didn't approve in the same sorts of way that you describe and I soaked it all up until one day I was having a bad day and I couldn't take any more. I broke down in tears in front of him.

"Why are you persecuting me. It isn't you who has to run the gauntlet of laughing teens when you leave your house. It isn't you who is going through the unimaginable pain of electrolysis. It isn't you who is having to risk losing your career, all your friends and relatives. Do you REALLY think I would make myself a laughing stock like this just for fun? I'm doing this because I have no alternative. I've tried suicide once. Do you really think it's big and clever to kick someone when they are already lying on the floor? I'm not asking you to understand. I'm not asking you to accept. Merely to treat me as a human being, who is already suffering enough, and doesn't need more pain inflicted by you."

A few days later, to my surprise, he came back and apologised. He explained that he found my transition embarrassing but that he understood that perhaps he was wrong to make things more difficult than they needed to be, and that ultimately it was my life not his. He said would try and be professional about it and we shook hands. After that, though we were never friends, we worked together without any problem.

I think if you are going to deal with something like this it has to be resolved between the two of you. As Cindy said, if you get management trying to "enforce" acceptance it usually backfires and creates more resentment than you had in the first place.

[Izumi]

  I have my own, personal hater at work....

  I work for a large home improvement retailer with about 130 employees. I feel very fortunate that almost all of of my coworkers have been pretty cool throughout my transition. Even the one Christian fundamentalist and I have come to a peace.... We've agreed that we just don't understand each other but we still say, "hi," and try to make small talk... We've both come a long way. I've been out at work for two years; I've been living full time for over a year and feel that I've completed social transition.

  But then there's Paula. I never had much to do with her until I changed departments but I noticed something odd with her when I started working in hers. At first, I thought that I might have done something to offend her personally... She would ignore me, not even look at me when I would go to cover her break. I tried to break the ice, attempting a greeting or thanking her when she covered me, but she wouldn't even acknowledge my presence. I recently asked a known friend of hers if there was something I did that made her dislike me; I was told, "She ignores you because of what you are."

  I've also found out that she waits to go to into the ladies' room until there's no one inside for fear that I might be. When I have to cover her break or lunch, there's no communication; There's no indication of what she was doing because she won't even look at me, much less talk to me.
   I think that what hurts the most is that I see coworkers that I consider my friends talking and laughing with her but the hostility she feels for me is tangible. She very obviously treats me differently because I'm Trans.

   I know that this is blatant discrimination, but what effect would there be if I went to management? Is it really worth it? She's tho only one, out of all my coworkers, that has such a problem with me. If not for me, would I be making an advance, however small, for Transgendered acceptance or should I save the oil for bigger fish to fry?

If its her job to convey to you what she was doing so you could fill in for her on break and does not do so, that constitutes as something that effects productivity, you dont have to like the people you work with but you have to get a long for the sake of the company, I would go to HR and say, her attitude is not conducive to a productive work environment but you dont want to cause a scene so maybe at transfer to another department or someone talk to her about at least communicating work related information.   

Thats what i would do, but everyone else is right, 1/99 isnt bad.  Heh.  You have to understand that she probably feels this way because her life sucks, and she needs an outlet for the suckage that is her life, your different so you became a target.  If you werent their she would just find someone else to annoy.

[JessicaR]

Thanks so much for all of your responses...

  I decided to test the water a few days ago... There was a customer issue that I had to relate to her before she took over for me. While I explained it to her she actually made eye contact and said, "Okay." She was respectful. I mentioned my concerns to one of my immediate supervisors but made it clear that this wasn't something that I wanted to pursue, only that I wanted someone to be aware of the potential for conflict. 

  Another thing that concerned me is that, although I can't prove it, I believe that she's outing me to regular customers. There are regulars that used to linger and chat with me all the time but some have suddenly become noticeably unfriendly. I work for a well known home improvement store; there's no shortage of, for lack of a better term, "redneck types," that frequent it. I get flirted with all the time by the contractors... I just have this recurring fear that someone will be attracted to me only to find out that I'm Trans and then decide to wait for me in the parking lot with his friends. <shudders>

  I've decided to let things stay as they are for now. I've been working on trying not to be hypersensitive to people who don't "get it." I'm just going to go to work and enjoy the company of the rest of the wonderful people I work with. I'll keep an eye on her but let it go for now.

[Hermione01]

I'm glad she decided to act civil but this

Another thing that concerned me is that, although I can't prove it, I believe that she's outing me to regular customers. There are regulars that used to linger and chat with me all the time but some have suddenly become noticeably unfriendly. I work for a well known home improvement store; there's no shortage of, for lack of a better term, "redneck types," that frequent it. I get flirted with all the time by the contractors... I just have this recurring fear that someone will be attracted to me only to find out that I'm Trans and then decide to wait for me in the parking lot with his friends. <shudders>

worries me. 

I think you should find out if this is true because she can be disciplined and even sacked for spreading malicious gossip!  I HATE people like this!!!!     

[Fencesitter]

Apart from the danger...

What impression does such a company make on customers where one colleague tells them mean things about the other colleague?

[Cindy]

If she is outing you that is a time to act. As you say there are people who are phobic about other people and your safety is essential. I would discuss this with a supervisor ASAP. Be polite and respectful but do put forward your concerns of personal safety.

I also dislike people with this attitude. We are no danger to them but they are willing to compromise our safety.
Cindy