Eyes Opened in Counselling

[Sinnyo]

Apologies - there seem to be a few 'first counselling session' post here already, and I'm adding to the pile! I had a good time with my first session though, and had my perspective altered a little in unexpected ways.

My counsellor did most of the speaking in this first session, talking through transition: what it is, why it has to happen, where it might go, how the NHS bludgeon it... I got a lot out of the ideas behind social exclusion and that annoying gender binary. In her lounge at least, I felt comfortable about not striving for the fictional concept of 'a real woman'.

The part which made me uncomfortable was talk of the barriers I face, even when trying to make life better for myself. I can't change society's reaction to what I'm doing on my own, but the thought that the NHS would expect me to conform to stereotypes has me somewhat worried. I'd heard the horror stories and hoped things had modernised, but now I understand I might have to fake body dysphoria in order to be taken seriously?

I certainly get the impression that I have come to counselling a little late. With only one month to go before I see Dr. Ahmad at Charing Cross, I haven't much time to really work out who I am and where I need to go before coming up with a strategy, just to make sure Charing Cross don't dismiss me as a 'mere' transvestite (no offence intended).

Does this sound at all familiar? ^^;

[lilacwoman]

conform to stereotypes has me somewhat worried. I'd heard the horror stories and hoped things had modernised, but now I understand I might have to fake body dysphoria in order to be taken seriously?
I certainly get the impression that I have come to counselling a little late. With only one month to go before I see Dr. Ahmad at Charing Cross, I haven't much time to really work out who I am and where I need to go before coming up with a strategy, just to make sure Charing Cross don't dismiss me as a 'mere' transvestite (no offence intended).
Does this sound at all familiar? ^^;

conforming to stereotypes is why you want sex change...if you want to be seen as a guy then you aren't TS.
Ahmad sounds like a non-English name and will expect men to be men and women to be women no matter how nonPC that may sound.

[Sinnyo]

conforming to stereotypes is why you want sex change...if you want to be seen as a guy then you aren't TS.

N.. no. And yes. But mostly no. And I'm not even going to dignify your other comment with a response.

This was a big part of our session - the idea that 'because I don't feel like a guy, I must be a girl'. It's not that clear-cut. In my case it feels mostly true, but that's not the whole of it. That is also how the NHS seems to see things, but I can clearly see that making the decision to abandon all masculinity and attempt to pass in 'deep stealth' will simply put me back to square one. I don't feel like the stereotype of a 'real woman', so why should I strive for that? Because society demands that I do? Great - I exchange a world in which I feel pressurised to be a man for one in which I'm put-upon to be a Stepford Wife.

That is how transsexuals are perceived, but the label is a clunky and gross one anyway. Mine is not a transition which is limited to my sexual organs - I'm striving to let the world relate to me properly, and while there are many social cues which help with that, I do not and should not have to conform to all of them. Unless, that is, I want to be a poster-child for transsexuals and women.

[Britney_413]

I have very little (as in NO) tolerance for the way that people stereotypically apply femininity to transwomen that they don't apply to genetic women. How many GGs go around in sexy dresses covered in excessive makeup and jewelry and giggle every other second while running errands at stores? Virtually none. In fact most girls aren't that feminine and most men aren't that masculine. Think about it for a second. Just as much as you rarely see the ridiculous girly girl type in a store you equally rarely see a macho body-builder action-figure type man. You see women wearing jeans and t-shirts, little and sometimes no makeup, regular athletic shoes, and generally just blending in. Anyone judging an MTF by a different standard than they would a GG is discriminating, plain and simple. Just because I'm a woman trapped in a man's body doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to start collecting teddy bears. Women play sports, men cry at movies. Believe it or not masculinity and femininity are very much independent from gender and everyone has a degree of both. Good luck.

[Cruelladeville]

Sadly yes....

And I'm sure JennyR will tell you all about it....lol

[Farm Boy]

I'm in the US so I'm sure things are a little different, but my therapist has been great.  I was worried I'd get dismissed because I'm not a stereotypical hypermasculine guy, but that actually hasn't been an issue.  I don't think you should have to lie or exaggerate to be taken seriously, but I don't know what the criteria is in the UK, and my therapist just turned out to be awesome.  Maybe somebody else will be able to give some more helpful insight.

[Sinnyo]

The impression I get is that I could be entirely myself with a counsellor, but I'd have to lie and force some mannerisms in order to get by on the NHS. It feels quite odd - but considering that the NHS pathway does not take private counsellors into consideration (unlike what I understand of therapy over there), this is safe and almost encouraged. Very strange.

[spacial]

Gemma

Ultimately, its more of an ego trip than anything else.

Think carefully about what being a female means to you. Think about who you are and how your appearance along with the social expectations affect you. Though try to avoid appearing in conflict with society.

Present your case to the therapist and try to stick to the point.

If the therapist starts to drift off into other things, try to respond by bringing the matter back to your own objectives.

Never bring up non-related memories and try to present your expectations for your relationships in a positive light.

But remember, you need to do this to remove the anxiety and discomfort you feel from your present situation.

Try to find ways of explaining that distress.

I'm sorry that I don't know enough about your life to give you any pointers.

But what you need to remember, is that everyone in health is essentially there as a sort of gate keeper between you and what you seek.

[spacial]

It sounds like the NHS and their rules in regards to transitioning are a total joke.

Basically, yeah 

The NHS is top heavy with people in important positions looking to justify themselves. Each seems to think they need to demonstrate they are experts, so they make up a load of crap. Each is worried sick about being back stabbed, so they fill endless forms and follow pedantic procedures.

The main difference with a wholly commercial setup is that the NHS gets paid no matter. They can have empty hospitals and sometimes do. But if the forms are filled out, then no-one really cares.

Just before the last election, my local MP, at his adoption meeting, in his speech, started by saying he would accept no criticism of the NHS.

But it can be managed by being aware of what these people want. And just as importantly what not to say.

Gemma needs to get fixed in her mind, what her porblmes are, whay she believes this is the right approach and how this will improve the quality of her life.

It's also quite important to be able to quote a good history and have some explaination of how she came to the realisation that her sex is not right for her gender. She could also describbe some of the research she has done, but make sure it is clear that this research came after her realisation.

[Sinnyo]

I think it spoke volumes to me simply not being offered specialist counselling from the start. A handout might be a bit much, but something like transition really would seem to benefit from some interim guidance if the NHS is so keen to have us meet certain criteria before turning up at Charing Cross 10 months later. I don't even know if the doctor I see there will be a therapist, psychologist, surgeon or astrophysicist.

Gah, such a mess. Anyway, I remain glad I have had my eyes opened a little, even if it is quite late in the game. I didn't think I'd see so much pressure to have my transition meet the GIC's unspoken guidelines, though.

[Britney_413]

For those in the U.S. who support socialist medicine and Obamacare, this ought to be a warning as to what will happen. You can see the difficulty when your transition involves receiving government approval vs. simply saving up money and paying for it. In the former example you have no freedom at all (government has all control) and the latter example you have some freedom with some freer than others (based on who can afford it). My only advice for you in such a system is to choose your words very carefully. Similar to a job interview, you have to say what they want to hear to get hired which may or may not be exactly the same as you feel. As long as you carefully give these gatekeepers the information they want to hear, you'll be fine. It is a bad game they require you to play so arm up with knowledge on the rules to the game and play so you win. Good luck.

[Janet_Girl]

Given your scenario Britney, I would go for the government in a heart beat.  Some of us do not have the ability to raise the funds for SRS.

And before you got pealing off platitudes about if you want it bad enough, live for one week in my life.  Very few Transpeople who really need SRS can afford it.  Most live in near poverty and that is a fact.  Many are homeless and resort to prostitution just to stay alive and that is a fact.

Ask them and they will gladly put up with the government to be able to get SRS.  But you do have a point about selling yourself, whether it is in that job interview or to that gatekeeper who can get you that SRS.

[Fencesitter]

For those in the U.S. who support socialist medicine and Obamacare, this ought to be a warning as to what will happen. You can see the difficulty when your transition involves receiving government approval vs. simply saving up money and paying for it.

Don't boil it down to an either-or alternative. There's more ways to have a social healthcare system than the British "solution". The German system works better, and in some other European countries, it's still better than in Germany. And in Europe, we know that the British system just sucks. When I was on vacation in Boston about 10 years ago, I was shocked to see how many poor people couldn't afford proper healthcare. There's a good reason why the USA was the only Western industrialized country without public healthcare. Please don't think all the other Western countries are just stupid for having this.

[spacial]

As fencesitter says, don't dismiss the notion because of one bad example.

The problems for the NHS are that it is a Holly Cow. It's an independant, self governing business whose income is the government.

But even with the rampant corruption, more admin staff than medical and over pricing by suppliers, it is still a cheaper and more efficient way to ensure the health of the community. A healthy workforce is a more productive workforce.

America has the opportnity to see the other health services and take the best lessons from each.

What it should and must avoid is granting the level of autonomy with little or not supervision that exists in the NHS.

With some care and thought, an American Health service could easily be the best in the world and still save your nation a lot of money.

[kyril]

Don't boil it down to an either-or alternative. There's more ways to have a social healthcare system than the British "solution". The German system works better, and in some other European countries, it's still better than in Germany. And in Europe, we know that the British system just sucks. When I was on vacation in Boston about 10 years ago, I was shocked to see how many poor people couldn't afford proper healthcare. There's a good reason why the USA was the only Western industrialized country without public healthcare. Please don't think all the other Western countries are just stupid for having this.

Exactly. And Canadians are appalled at the very idea of a system that resembles the American one. We (they, I guess, since I sadly don't live there right now) don't even have the best system in the world - that honour typically goes to the Scandinavian countries, along with most other quality-of-life awards. But it's far, far better for the average Canadian than a system where people die every day because they can't afford necessary lifesaving care, or because their insurance companies deny it.