point of no return

[cynthialee]

Sevan is at that point were ze is looking pretty much 50% male 50% female.
I want to tell hir that I want my wife back. That I do not want hir to keep ussing T. I want my soft girly sweety back.

But then I must admit.....I do not want that woman back in my life. She was constantly depressed. I was on suicide watch at all times before Sara became Sevan. That woman was not happy. The androgyne is.

What do I want then?
Things I can never get back...

hir voice was that of a goddess. Before transition I had been trying to get her to pursue singing as a carrier. She could have become wealthy with the voice she had. Before transition when we would ride in the car she could hold her own with Beyonce as she sang along to the music. I was astounded by the instrument that was her voice. She never believed me when I told her how awesome her voice was....
That doesn't matter anymore. T has made the voice of a goddess turn into the voice of a poorly tuned frog.

I miss her attitude when she was in a good mood. But T has changed her to hir. The attitude is diferant and I often do not feel like the person I am with is anything like the person I married. I know this is good but still I miss her.

I miss the woman that was my wife. Yes I do love the spouse I have recieved in return but I can not fail too lament the wife I lost.

in tears***
Cynthia Lee

[rejennyrated]

Oh my dear - How painful change can be at times. 

I feel your sense of loss and helplessness even though I have never actually been there.

Sometimes I wish I had met my partner before we both completed our changes but reading you post makes me realise that perhaps it is better that we did not.

Sadly the arrow of time points forward, and we can none of us go back to the way things were, however much we might wish to do so.

I too have things I wish I could undo. I wish I had not walked out of the BBC after my mother died, and thereby killed my glittering career. I wish I been wiser with money. I wish I had wasted less time on the internet and spent more of it writing.

Most of all I wish I was young again.

So even though I have not lost a wife like you have I can sympathise. The only comfort I can offer is to hold on to the promise from the old Hymn Abide with me  "The best is yet to be." Thankfully none of us knows the future, but I truly believe that if we hold onto those words and try to claim their positive spirit for reality, we can produce a better future for ourselves than the past we are missing so badly.

Scant comfort maybe - but I stand beside you in your lament 

Jenny

[Azalie]

I am in the SAME boat, just about a few months before where you are...

I've been with my FTM pre-T boyfriend for about a year now, and I am head over heals for the woman...tomboy I see him as. I love her voice, her shape, her hair and lack of in some sense.

It's painful to see someone you fell so much in love with...change before your eyes. The voice that use to make you melt slowly vanishes into something foreign...It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. But I also can't stand seeing her/him so depressed, always wanted to die, crying, never wanting to be seen cause they can't stand how they look...*sigh* sometimes it's hard for me to think I love the person inside, not just their outside.

Do you still feel attracted to them? Or maybe you are holding onto the past, like when you grew out of your favorite pair of jeans when you grew up?

It brings me to tears thinking about what you're going through, as well as what's ahead of me...I fear deeply that my little girl will turn into something completely different. Lose that adorable lame sense of humor, lose that little pout she gets when she wants something and I have all the money.

I have been a lesbian my whole life...and the thought of being called "straight" is very...off-putting as well. I still don't know if I'll be attracted to her once she's been on T anymore...

So just know, there is someone else in your spot, and is about to walk your path. If you need a chat, feel free to add me on MSN or send me a PM or anything. I know it's good to have someone to talk to that's going through the same as you.

Good luck

[cynthialee]

My issues surounding these issues goes deeper than a surface look will show.

I am a transexual myself and I started my transition before Sevan started hirs.

When I wish my spouse would not transition I am being a two faced bitch. I started this voyage. It was the obvious changes in my physical body and the emotional stability that HRT gave me that started my spouse to wonder if ze could/should also transition.

I knew my spouse had GID long before I married hir. And s/he knew it about me also. We married eachother with the plan of staying as we were born. I changed the script. I altered our lives drasticaly, so I should be able to lay in the bed I made should I not?

I was a strait male, now I look like a lesbian and soon when our transitions are further along when ze is all male I will look like a strait woman. LOL how confusing.   Luckily I am bisexual.

[spacial]

Cynthia Lee

I so very pleased and proud, (for want of a better word), of both of you.

You each had similar problems. You each have supported each other to face those and to find a solution.

As you say, Sevan is much happier now. You are too.

You each have a new life together. New challenges, challenges where the other can sympathise through experience.

I say, what you both have is what many would love to have. Shared experience. Shared knowledge. A common future and new challenges to face.

Marriage without challange is a bore.