Don't think the wife and I will make it

[Melody Maia]

I know this is hardly a surprise, but the wife finally brought up separation and divorce last night. She has been supportive, but doesn't feel she can fully help me unless she "gets over our marriage" as she put it. This hurts so much as my feelings for her haven't changed. Her feelings for me definitely have changed. She thinks of me as female now and no longer can bring herself to be intimate with me. I could see this coming for awhile now as she has gotten increasingly more withdrawn. It looks like I am going to have to learn to make a life for myself without her. We have an 8 year old son and the idea of not being a daily part of his life is devastating. 

[niamh]

:-( I'm so so sorry for you.

[cynthialee]

I am sorry for you. A breakup when it is not desired is rough.

Hugz

[Sarah Louise]

Sorry to hear that, unfortunately it does happen too often.

[Janet_Girl]

Unfortunately Melody, I have been in the same place.  We even got to the point that we slept in separate rooms.  I still care about my ex, but we are now on different paths.

If it comes, it will hurt.  But it only lasts for a while.  But if it doesn't happen, be grateful every day and never forget how blessed you are.

I pray it does not.

[Angela]

Melody, my heart goes out to you. I hope that you can at least have her as a good friend, if a divorce does happen. We have to look at both sides of this. She is losing the man she loves. 

[Randi]

Hi Melody, My wife & I have been back and forth on this very thing for the past year or so. It is not pleasant, I know, but as Angela said she is loosing the man she married so it is natural for her to feel this way. Try to go slowly and be patient with her if you can.
Randi

[Gwenhyvar]

I'm so sorry... that must be incredibly hard to deal with.

I keep hearing that it is a common result of the transitioning process, but the fore knowledge that it may happen must not be much comfort when it actually does happen.
-G

[Octavianus]

Sorry to hear that, Melody. I wish you the strength you need to overcome this difficult but temporary obstacle on your path.

[Nicky]

Oh that is so hard honey, so sad.

Keep talking with her, if it happens then if you keep talking it will go smoother. It is possible to remain friends. Make sure you talk about what you want. There is no reason why you won't be able to see your son everyday. If that is what you want it is worth fighting for. It might be you still live in the same house for some time. On the bright side she does say she wants to help you still.

Me and my wife went for split custody, I have our kids half the week, but we remain in touch on the other days.

[Melody Maia]

Thanks everyone. I came out to her in late July and she has been going back and forth ever since. I feel foolish because I knew this could happen, but we had been taking a wait and see approach and then the conversation last night blind sided me. It may not happen however I am thinking some time apart may give us thinking space. There really isn't much for me here in Texas. No friends or family besides my wife's side. I have family and friends in Florida that I am out to and who continue to actively support me. That may be a good place to set up shop temporarily or permanently if need be. 

[Melody Maia]

Oh that is so hard honey, so sad.

Keep talking with her, if it happens then if you keep talking it will go smoother. It is possible to remain friends. Make sure you talk about what you want. There is no reason why you won't be able to see your son everyday. If that is what you want it is worth fighting for. It might be you still live in the same house for some time. On the bright side she does say she wants to help you still.

Me and my wife went for split custody, I have our kids half the week, but we remain in touch on the other days.

Thanks Nicky, that is good advice. I think the wife and I will remain friends. We did see a therapist together and the therapist remarked on how we seem to have great communication and respect for each other. This may just be too big though.

I would love to have a similar arrangement as you have with your kids, but I don't know if I can build a life here. This is not the most open minded area of the country and not my favorite place. I gave up a good job and my own medical insurance so my wife could be near family. Maybe we could give it a go in the same household, but I don't know.

[azSam]

Melody, I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug right now. I can only imagine how painful that must be. I can understand where she is coming from. If my partner had to transition into a female, I'd find it harder to stay physically/sexually attracted to them, since I'm simply not attracted to females, and I'm not interested in an intimate relationship with a female. But I don't think my love for them would change. It would be a complicated situation, as I imagine it is for you and her.

Again, I'm so sorry Melody. I wish I could give you a hug right now.

[Nigella]

I am so sorry for you Melody, this happened to me at the start of my transition. I got an ultimatum, WHEN ARE YOU GOING. Broke my heart and three years later it still hurts. We are friends but I now live a long way, away from them now. I only see my children once a year. But I have made a new life, which I had to do or die so I guess I needed the break and the push, however hard it was, gave me the space to be who I am instead of the lie I was living.

Keep talking that's the best advice and respect on another. I always tried to put myself in their shoes and thought what if they had come to me and said they had wanted to transition. I new I would have been the same.

Stardust

[Bam]

Melody,i am so sorry for this,i can understand a little of what you are going through but i am one of the extremely lucky ones as i am still married and live with my wife,but things changed,we still sleep in the same bed ,but outside of hugging and peck type kisses,intimacy is out we are celibate and have been for 7 years now. We started out in our marriage as best friends and that is what we still are only i am  a woman now and that is how she addresses me and treats me,but i found out early on to take my time(it took 5 years) and involved her in the process(it's worth a try) i learned so much from her it made it a whole lot easier(her main expression was a woman would not do that and was hearing in my sleep too) she finally stopped saying about a year after i was fully transitioned. I hope and pray you can work it out.

[cynthialee]

I can honestly say even when both spouses are bisexual and the transsexual is suported 100% the relationship is strained.
Even though Sevan and I both freely accept and suport eachothers transition it is hard and I worry about my relationship.
Transition is a serious chalenge to a relationship no matter the particulars of the relationship.

I personaly know what it is like watching from the sidelines as your spouse slowly aquires the traits of their opposit birth sex.
I went from makeing love with a woman to making love to an androgyne. Female skin to male skin. Female fat distribution replaced with muscles....
It is hard to stay when you are the spouse.
Feelings of lose, anger, and fear all poke their head up.

As a transwoman who started her transition 4 years into my marriage I worry. I know what it is like for me watching Sevan transition. I can only imagine ze has similar feelings about my transition. But knowing what GID is like helps me be ok with hir changes.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for a cisgender spouse who doesn't have GID.

[Colleen Ireland]

I can only imagine how hard it must be for a cisgender spouse who doesn't have GID.

I think what must be especially hard is that the person in transition must necessarily be focused on their own needs for the most part, because it is such a long and difficult task.  There are so many aspects to it.  And then there's the small (and sometimes big) celebrations of each milestone and accomplishment, but how do you expect your partner to share that happiness with you when they're feeling like you're killing their spouse?  I do think the situation is fraught with minefields, and almost guaranteed to lead to hurts on both sides, often serious.  To hold a relationship together in "normal" times is hard - what we're asking for is on an altogether different order!  Yet... I know in my own case, I so dearly love my wife, that it hurts me terribly to see the pain I'm causing her, yet I'm powerless to do otherwise.  That is one of the main reasons I'm in therapy currently...

[iris1469]

Hi there. I am saddened by what you are going through. There are no words that can make it all better, but know that I feel for you and am willing to talk any time you need it!!

Nicole

[iris1469]

I can only imagine how hard it must be for a cisgender spouse who doesn't have GID.

I am sorry but could someone please tell me what cisgender means? Thanks

[Janet_Girl]

Biological. or Non Trans.