Don't think the wife and I will make it

[cynthialee]

Cisgender:  Someone who associates and is comfortable with the gender they were assigned at birth.
Not transgender; identifying with the same social gender as most people with the same biological sex.

[Devyn]

Aw. I'm so sorry. I've never been in a relationship at all, so I can't imagine what it's like, but your post does upset me. I'm so sorry. I hope things gets better for you.

[Melody Maia]

Thanks again for the well wishes. Going to an emergency therapy session tomorrow, but I think we are headed to divorce. We talked some more tonight and she said she didn't want her and my son to stand in the way of my new life. That is noble, but I also know that she is concerned with how she is perceived by others and the impact on my son of seeing his dad turn into a woman. This would make her just another divorced woman and single mom. Easy for people to understand. I know I don't have the right because I am the one that brought this to our family, but I feel hurt, betrayed and angry. I feel like I am about to lose my home and my family. 

[Janet_Girl]

Without sounding cold or uncaring, you may lose your home and you may be cut off from your wife and/or son, but you will not lose your family here.

But no matter what happens, don't disparate.  You are about to embark on a new journey.
If it comes down to it, I hope you can still be part of your son's life.

I would hope that it all goes the way you wish it too.

[Nicky]

The therapy is a good idea. Just remember you have as much right to your son as she does. There is no reason why they could not go with you if you left.

[Melody Maia]

The therapy is a good idea. Just remember you have as much right to your son as she does. There is no reason why they could not go with you if you left.

She could especially since she could work anywhere as her job pays very well and is 100% telecommuter, but she has said she wouldn't go. I left my family and friends for her, but she won't do the same for me it seems.

[JenniL]

I am sorry to hear this happening to you. I sort of understand what you are feeling. My ex-girlfriend told me this when she couldn't be with me anymore after I came out to her. She tried to love me for who I am but ultimately said she can not be with a woman. I was angry, depressed, and scared.But I made the mistake of never looking at the relationship from her perspective. I did talk to her afterwards. Still not going to be together but we are friends.  I hope fir the best of the situation where you do get to see your son and remain friends with your wife.

Jennifer

[Cindy]

Hi Melody,
As others have said it is a sad thing, but also from a relationship status not surprising. Ignoring the TG issue here look at the divorce issue. OK she ( and you) are very hurt at the moment. The pain is deep, she probably feels betrayed, she may well feel that her husband has had a long term affair with another woman; You.

You feel betrayed, a life that cannot be ignored finally has to be faced and the person you love cannot give you the support  you wish.

Your son.

Children deserve caring and loving parents. There is a host of information that they do not need male / female models in parents. They need love and care. There is no evidence that effeminate males produce homosexual sons, there is no evidence that masculine females produce lesbian daughters. There is a host of evidence that same sex couples (of any gender)  bring up healthy, happy children with ' norma' sexual orientations. There is, as evidenced on this web site, a  truck load of people who had 'normal' male/female parents who loved their children and we are TG. My parents were so vanilla that would not understand this statement .

So to my mind you need to discuss this. You are a biological parent of your son. He will not be deformed in anyway by your transition. Getting that message through to your wife is the problem.  I live in Australia, a quite liberal country, and in a muli- cultural city. In this city, if I was in your situation the law would rule 50/50 in everything.

Not sure if this helps but get legal advice ASAP.

Cindy

[Cindy]

I am sorry but could someone please tell me what cisgender means? Thanks

As others have said.

The expression came from geometry and is widely applied in protein chemistry; proteins are made from amino acids, and they can be produced with a right or a left orientation, essentially mirror images of each other. Nothing to do with right and wrong BTW, in our evolution, proteins require the correct orientation amino acids to interact with enzymes etc. You can produce drugs that have  amino acid substitutions that will inactivate the metabolic process, useful in drugs for disease.

Cis and trans became a sort of code to explain for a mirror image of a person. I and many other women are uncomfortable with such terms. I'm not a trans anything, I regard myself as, and I am female. OK I do not have all the biological functions of all females but that in itself is an umbrella term. Not all of any sex or species have all the characteristics of that sex and species.

But we as a community use  such expressions to help in our debates and clarify positions. That is fine, and can be helpful. But we do have to make sure that we do not insult people by using incorrect terminology.

Cindy.
Remember Rocky Horror Show?

It's just a jump to the, cis/trans why can't they tell me

[Colleen Ireland]

Melody, I really feel for you.  I will say that my wife and I will have a conversation in the very near future wherein I basically tell her that there is really very little doubt about me, and that every step I've taken so far only confirms it more clearly for me, and this is who I need to be.  So far she's still clinging to hope that this isn't real.  So that will, presumably make it more real for her.  I'm also going to let her know I think I should tell the kids about it at this point also (subject to conversation with my therapist today).  Obviously I don't really know how these conversations will go, but I can tell you I've put "Plan B" into place in case I should find myself suddenly asked to leave the house.  I know where I'd go and what I'd do, and how I'd pay for it.  That's a very unhappy exercise, but necessary I think.

And on the cis/trans thing:  It's from Latin.  A cisalpine Gaul would be on "this" side of the mountains, a transalpine Gaul would be on the "other" side of the mountains (the far side, lol...).

[barbie]

Here in my country, the number of divorce has been increasing linearly. Too many people divorce despite having their lovely children.

Fortunately or not, I believe my kids are the most important in my life time, and my wife also does. This agreement always keeps us from going for divorce. We both believe that kids without father or mother are so miserable whether they later become happy or not. We can clearly feel it from kids whose parents were divorced.

However, crossdressing or transgenerism has never been a facor in our thinking about divorce. My wife washes my thongs and bras, and I did not go for HRT although it was approved. I can say that my kids are more important than my transgender issues. Probably this is why I am often called crossdresser or transgender rather than tanssexual.

Barbie~~

[Suzy]

Just a quick hug, Melody.  Many of us have been in that same spot.  No matter what anyone says, the truth is that it just hurts!  Don't let you wife's sounding so noble bluff you either.  She has already lost the one she signed on with.  Sounds like she is thinking ahead of you, already doing some posturing in case of legal actions.  Take care, sweetie and stay smart about what you do!


Kristi

[Melody Maia]

Just to clarify, my wife believes I should be part of my son's life no matter what. She doesn't want to take him away from me. What she doesn't want is my son to be bullied because of his dad. She doesn't want this to affect his school performance or cause him additional pain. So it seems like I need to disappear for awhile. RLE will most likely be somewhere else.

Kristi, no I am not being taken in by her supposed nobility. She is simply acting scared.

[barbie]

My wife once said that she never intended to marry a woman. In retrospect, she was in panic.

Nowadays she understands and accepts whatever I do. I guess it is a serious crisis in your case, Melody. If both of you and your wife can have enough time to think over it, I guess your wife would overcome it, if you indeed want to be with your son and wife.

However, you seem to already think about possible divorce, as indicated in your introduction in this forum. Your feeling seems so strong than me, and I may not offer any good suggestion for you. What I can say is that you need to gain some time.

My wife sometimes used to say that kids with freak dad are still better than those without dad.

Barbie~~

[NikkiJ]

I'm sorry Melody, I like many others who have replied went though this too. I was expecting it though, my spouse had been through a lot of stress...financial, her dad dying from kidney cancer, her mom decending into Alzheimers, and her husband turning into a woman.

But, we remain friends, she's even dating someone from her past, and I'm OK with it.

Be strong, and revel in your possibilities. It's OK to grieve too.

[Melody Maia]

Came back from the therapist today and the wife and I had a long talk. Things didn't move much except that she allowed for the possibility of moving to wherever I am if I can set up a life there. She recognizes that I did it for her. Things are still stressful. We are civil and logical about it, but as my therapist mentioned today, we haven't just lost our spouses, we have lost our best friends. She can't emotionally support me in what I am doing because I am taking her husband away. It is a tough thing all around.

[Colleen Ireland]

She can't emotionally support me in what I am doing because I am taking her husband away. It is a tough thing all around.

{{{{{{{{Melody}}}}}}}} 

I had a therapy session today, too.  We also talked about this topic.  My difficult conversation is coming up sometime after this (long) weekend - it has to be delayed, because we'll have a houseful of family (my parents, her parents), but the therapist agreed that it's best all around if I let her know in no uncertain terms that I do plan to transition, and give her a chance to figure out what it means for us.  So I do understand what you're going through.  Please accept my biggest cyber-hugs, girl!  Wish I could do more to comfort you...

[Melody Maia]

Thanks Colleen. I do have my endo visit tomorrow morning with my HRT letter in hand from the therapist. It is so nice to read that letter and have it all spelled out that someone besides me thinks I have GID. Anyway, I can't believe that I might be getting a prescription tomorrow to start hormones. I am praying long and hard tonight that the blood tests check out. I really need to feel like I am doing something positive for me and that is a big step.

[Colleen Ireland]

It is so nice to read that letter and have it all spelled out that someone besides me thinks I have GID.

I know exactly what you mean.  In my therapy session today, my therapist said (and I hadn't noticed) that she had been making out the receipts for payment in the name of Colleen, which wouldn't do me any good at income tax time (for claiming them as medical expenses).  As she was making out the new receipt, she stopped, and was about to put "his" name on it, then she said "...no, I don't think I'm willing to put that name on here..."  And I confirmed with her that she can indeed write the HRT letter when the time comes.  And she will be more than willing to do so.  She is really certain of my diagnosis.  She said "I'm not legally allowed to diagnose you with GID, but I know the requirements of the diagnosis, and there's no doubt.  So yes, even though I'm not nearly at the HRT stage yet (I'm waiting for the formal assessment at CAMH, so I can get into their program and have my SRS covered by the gov't health system), I do know exactly what you mean...

[mistressstevie]

My wife sometimes used to say that kids with freak dad are still better than those without dad.

I like your wife's observation Barbie.  Freak may be overkill and a bit harsh a term to many but in this case I understand and appreciate the point of view.  Something is better than nothing in may ways. 

-mS