Since I done have any family, and the man I am dating really does not care anything about me, and it has been said that this is my new family, I will tell you things as a real family does. I relapsed a couple of days ago. I smoked some speed. I didnt go looking for it and did not pay for it.
A little history: A little over a year ago, I made a choice to stop using meth. Now for the first 9 months, no problem. It seemed that sober life and me were getting along great. I thought that is was working. I developed a strong disliking of anything associated with the drug or its users, didnt hang around either one. Then, I began having urges that got stronger and stronger, until the day that I can real close to using. I was able to run (literally) from the situation to the safety of my apt. Scared from this, I realized that addiction is as patient as it is cunning, and that there were parts of me that sort of advocated it. Meaning that I realized that my mood, and what I was thinking could open the door if opportunity was there in that instant. This scared me. So I came up with the bright idea (yeah right) that when I felt the strong urge to use drugs (now mind you that i only felt strong urges about once per month) I would get some vodka get drunk, pass oout then wake up the next day with the craving no longer there. This worked for about 3 months, but you see for whatever reason when I drink, (and I only drink vodka mixed with various tings) I drink a LOT and FAST. Well, I was in west hollywood about two weeks ago and a friend of mine made me a screwdriver with half vodka half mix, well need-less-to-say I pounded it like i do all alcoholic drinks. Oh I think I forgot to tell you that the cup, was a 7-11 super big gulp, a little ice. Well, i had forgotten that I hadn't eaten anything that day, and holy heck, it came on and fast!!! Whew, anyways I knew I had to get my drunk ass home immediately, so I got on the bus on Santa Monica at San Vicente, took it all the way To Alvarado and Sunset, got off. Somehow made it on 200. Barely made it off on 3rd. Which left me like 2 blocks to my house. I then made it to the front of my building (dont ask me how, cuz I dont remember, all i member is being in from of the building) then i member leaning against the wall outside on the sidewalk, and thats it. the next memory was waking up on my kitchen floor. Well, I was later told that my neighbor was going to his night job as a security dude, and got me to my front door and handed me off to my bf. Anyways, after this I realized that that was no longer a solution. If any of you remember, I dont live in a very friendly neighborhood. When the sun goes down over here, a whole new element emerges from the shadows. Believe me when I say that I am not over exaggerating when I say that a mistake like i made that night could very well cost me my life or get me raped, or worse turned into a vegetable. So back to the drawing board. Sobriety, in terms of not using hard drugs is VERY important to me. All the progress I have made in my HRT therapy can not be possible unless you are clean. HEalthy. And I know, that if i use meth, im going to lose weight, which means that the gurls are going to get smaller... So Im thinking that maybe I should try NA again. My last experience was, well, not what I thought that it would be. MEaning that there is a thing that they like to call sponsor. Which I thought to meant someone that you can call and talk to. Someone that is more experienced than you, helping you see the right path, and basically be a positive voice. Well, it seems that it also includes me helpinig them with their "urges". and well that made me feel very cheap and meaningless knowing that I had to pay someone with my body for them to be there for me.... So.....................
