Since I done have any family, and the man I am dating really does not care anything about me, and it has been said that this is my new family, I will tell you things as a real family does. I relapsed a couple of days ago. I smoked some speed. I didnt go looking for it and did not pay for it.
A little history: A little over a year ago, I made a choice to stop using meth. Now for the first 9 months, no problem. It seemed that sober life and me were getting along great. I thought that is was working. I developed a strong disliking of anything associated with the drug or its users, didnt hang around either one. Then, I began having urges that got stronger and stronger, until the day that I can real close to using. I was able to run (literally) from the situation to the safety of my apt. Scared from this, I realized that addiction is as patient as it is cunning, and that there were parts of me that sort of advocated it. Meaning that I realized that my mood, and what I was thinking could open the door if opportunity was there in that instant. This scared me. So I came up with the bright idea (yeah right) that when I felt the strong urge to use drugs (now mind you that i only felt strong urges about once per month) I would get some vodka get drunk, pass oout then wake up the next day with the craving no longer there. This worked for about 3 months, but you see for whatever reason when I drink, (and I only drink vodka mixed with various tings) I drink a LOT and FAST. Well, I was in west hollywood about two weeks ago and a friend of mine made me a screwdriver with half vodka half mix, well need-less-to-say I pounded it like i do all alcoholic drinks. Oh I think I forgot to tell you that the cup, was a 7-11 super big gulp, a little ice. Well, i  had forgotten that I hadn't eaten anything that day, and holy heck, it came on and fast!!! Whew, anyways I knew I had to get my drunk ass home immediately, so I got on the bus on Santa Monica at San Vicente, took it all the way To Alvarado and Sunset, got off. Somehow made it on 200. Barely made it off on 3rd. Which left me like 2 blocks to my house. I then made it to the front of my building (dont ask me how, cuz I dont remember, all i member is being in from of the building) then i member leaning against the wall outside on the sidewalk, and thats it. the next memory was waking up on my kitchen floor. Well, I was later told that my neighbor was going to his night job as a security dude, and got me to my front door and handed me off to my bf. Anyways, after this I realized that that was no longer a solution. If any of you remember, I dont live in a very friendly neighborhood. When the sun goes down over here, a whole new element emerges from the shadows. Believe me when I say that I am not over exaggerating when I say that a mistake like i made that night could very well cost me my life or get me raped, or worse turned into a vegetable. So back to the drawing board. Sobriety, in terms of not using hard drugs is VERY important to me. All the progress I have made in my HRT therapy can not be possible unless you are clean. HEalthy. And I know, that if i use meth, im going to lose weight, which means that the gurls are going to get smaller... So Im thinking that maybe I should try NA again. My last experience was, well, not what I thought that it would be. MEaning that there is a thing that they like to call sponsor. Which I thought to meant someone that you can call and talk to. Someone that is more experienced than you, helping you see the right path, and basically be a positive voice. Well, it seems that it also includes me helpinig them with their "urges". and well that made me feel very cheap and meaningless knowing that I had to pay someone with my body for them to be there for me.... So.....................

I used to do drugs and was worried I'd never get over the cravings, but it did eventually happen for me. Like you've probably been told many times you have to find a way that works for you.

Quote from: superkitty036 on October 04, 2010, 01:39:55 PMWell, it seems that it also includes me helpinig them with their "urges". and well that made me feel very cheap and meaningless knowing that I had to pay someone with my body for them to be there for me

Umm, that's not a sponsor, you should report them to NA

Relapse happens.
Been there mysef a few times.
No lectures here just a virtual hug. **hugz you**
I understand.

Stick in there kitty. You have a lot of things to sort out in your life. Accommodation for starters. There isn't a lot you can do while stoned.

Try to get it into your head that the things which intoxicate you are what are keeping you there.

But you also have a very large virtual hug from me as well. Never any judgement. Just support love.

I am going to speak from the heart ok. I dont know if I can do it and when I am thinking about that, I feel, i dont know how to explain it, like everything is falling and I am trying to grab hold of something, but cant. I have overcome a  lot of things. And after so many battles, its a little bit harder to fight back. I will give you one example. I attended DeVry Universaity, Pomona, I majored in Business administration w/ emphasis on information systems. Well, for the first 2 years 10 months 2 weeks and 3 days, I lived along the LA river in a tent. I starved like I never knew was possible. Yet, I was getting 4.0's. I did this for 2 years 10 months and some change,,,,and well that was a very difficult time in my ife rewarding too, but at a price. This was when I was pretending to be a man. Which I did extremely well for a long time, but the dam was cracking and eventually collapsed all together,,,,, my point is that it took a lot of heart to even be here today, and im wore the bleep out. thats all.

SuperKitty.

First I am glad you see that it can be a problem for you.  But as a former drinker, I can say that alcohol is a poor substitute.  It is just put an additive substance for another.  But you see that too.  And that is the best thing.

As you said ...

QuoteSobriety, in terms of not using hard drugs is VERY important to me.

You are now focused on you transition and that has become your best option.  If you feel NA will help then by all means seek them out.

You will become a beacon for those who are facing the same demons.  But please keep it focused on your recovery.  And lastly let Estrogen be your drug of choice.

A very Big virtual hug.  You have my undieing support Sis.   

Hi Kitty, I am sorry that you are struggling. There isn't alot that I can say that you haven't already said. You know it is not good for you, you know it could result in your death. When I was cleaning out I had to stay far away from all those people and things that lowered my inhibitions ie. smoking, going to bars, heavy drinking, hanging with old buddies...  If I stay away from that element I am ok. When I have trouble with it is usually when I have spare time on my hands and am not busy. So I make extra effort to be busy doing something constructive-it works for me. Hang in there-YOU CAN BEAT THIS!!
Randi

Kitty, I am a former meth addict, but have been clean for around 10 years. Staying clean can be just as hard as getting clean, you need some support. Maybe it's time to give NA another try, the NA sponsor you had in the past sounds like a sleaze, no sponsor should ask you to do such things.   

You have my support in your quest to remain clean. And don't feel too bad about having a relapse, I've fallen off the wagon a time or two over the years, it's a matter of picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and trying again.. You also need to realise that the addiction never goes away, some substitute other things like alcohol, others substitute study or work. I went with the second option.

Bah, I'm rambling, but know that some of your family truly understand what you are going through.. And take heart that it can be done. *hugs*

I dried up in 1990. I also fell off the wagen a few times. Every one does.
1) Did you enjoy your self? I guess not. Its a valuable lesson you learned.
2) Next time you get depressed, think about what just happened. Take a deep breath and move on.

Its not the mistakes you make, but what you do about them.

Good luck!

Kitty, I am a neighbor here in SO Cal, and I know there are places and people here if you look for them including a couple that have trans people in them.  I am at 725 days back into sobriety from alcohol and prescription drugs.  (October 10 is two years)  I had been C&S for well over 15 years and then relapsed for about 2 years.  Remarkably, it was the Chem Dep treatment folks that helped me get to the decision that I was Transsexual, and who got a psychiatrist to send me over for HRT. 

You don't owe me any apology, but you owe youself one!!  It will be the hardest apology you will ever have to accept!!         That is one of the classic riddles of this recovery thing.

Superkitty, you're a classy lady in the making but you need to keep away from the bad stuff.

Get yourself onto a good NA program and start making a new future for yourself.
 

Addiction in the transgender community unfortunately is not an uncommon occurrence. I myself , come this November will be sober , one year. It's hard for me to talk about it though. I am afraid I may jinx it. 

      Hugs, Erocse