dear god

[alexia elliot]

I am just looking at the mirror and pleading: dear god snap your fingers and make it happen, please, please, please!
I am so drained and who the hell am I kidding, "I am getting there" what a bunch of bull.
I truly could do it, right now, if not.............................. Why the hell to put us here on earth into this bondage of a life and then as a twist an additional burden of feeling as though you are not you, how sadistic of a nature to throw such brick under my feet. I should answer with the vengeance, and just because I can take this f...en life away and prove, yes I can!
Oh I feel so at the end of the rope, I thought I have left this long ago but today I realize, I am still here same, old, angry, frustrated, pissed off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am not looking for sympathy aether, I am just shouting out loud into nowhere, where I am right now, Nowhere!
I love you girls and know that you will forgive me, and don't take this as a burden, just knowing someone will hear my shouts.............................................
Why me, why this confusion, at least when diseased I know what I am fighting, what the hell am I fighting now, what the hell am I fighting for?

[iris1469]

SSSHHhhhhhh its ok hun. I feel the same as you at times. MY heart goes out to you. I wish I could be there with you to help you shoulder the hard times,,,,but I cant be. Just try to remember that there are others who feel the exact same pain as you. Here is a big virtual hug.....

your friend,
SUperkitty

[Kendall]

Hi Alexia Elliot
you did not ask for anything but I wanted to say I read your words with my heart. i am listening. I hear echos of feelings I have too.
Thanks for sharing
Kendall

[Janet_Girl]

Alexia, My dear Sister.

How often I have cried myself to sleep with words to that effect.  And every time I see yet another girl post her ticker to SRS, my heart breaks just a little more.  Every time I hear some has a new SO, be it B/F or G/F, my heart breaks a little more.

So why do we fight so hard?  Because it is that which will make our hearts finally feel true happiness.  You will get there long before I do, just keep up the good fight.

[Smith]

If may I suggest, please find the answer on Susan religius site, they have many information, even cross and beyond believe, they have good advice

[Smith]

I totally agree with sister Janet, why have you fought so hard?

"Mind precedes all mental states.  Mind is their chief;  They are all mind-wrought.  If with an impure mind a person speaks or acts, suffering follows him like the wheel that follows the foot of the ox."

"Mind precedes all mental states.  Mind is their chief; they are all mind-wrought.  If with a pure mind a person speaks or acts, happiness follows him like his never-departing shadow".

The Buddha Said, Dhammapada 1,2

The point is the mind, if we think the good one, and control our mind with the positive thinking, we can reach happiness like as sister Janet said, and the otherway if we always thinking negative one, suffering that we got.

So, come on be positive thinking, we can do it

Alexia, My dear Sister.

How often I have cried myself to sleep with words to that effect.  And every time I see yet another girl post her ticker to SRS, my heart breaks just a little more.  Every time I hear some has a new SO, be it B/F or G/F, my heart breaks a little more.

So why do we fight so hard?  Because it is that which will make our hearts finally feel true happiness.  You will get there long before I do, just keep up the good fight.

[Hermione01]

I'm sorry you're feeling down Alexia, maybe it's Birthday blues (Happy Belated Birthday BTW) I've just notice it was your birthday recently. 

IMO it's good for the soul to vent and cry and scream even, just to release the pain. 
And after wards everything seems a little clearer, a little brighter, and then we can make decisions that need to be made because something is still not right and needs to be fixed. 
Could be on the outside or on the inside, but there needs to be a change. 

[azSam]

You venting... wow. I will admit, I thought almost that exact line of thoughts myself. Perhaps not recently, but I've been there. And I can totally understand how you must be feeling right now... Just shout. Shout it loud. I hope you feel better soon, Alexia. I know these words are hollow, meaningless words on your screen; but try to believe me when I say that I feel for you.

[Cindy]

We do it because we have no choice.
We love each other because only we know the horror
We pray to non-existent deities that our friends will be granted solace

Then we try living another day

Hugs

Cindy

[alexia elliot]

Once again you girls have proved that without you today would have been really gray. I should take all the mirrors down and use black pans and drink form the faucet :-)
I was feeling all the emotions last night and even though I wanted to cry, I was so angry, I didn't. Every so often like a child I ask "why can't I have it" and then have to allow time to heal such outrageous request. I look at me and sometimes think, not bad, and then go out and encounter GGs and think, "what am I thinking when I say Not Bad" that is when I go down onto my knees and cry. I want so much to accept me as a boy/girl being but the need to express girl is so strong that it overshadows logic. Believe me, no one has called me maam ever, and the need for such grows with time. My avatars were idealized form of what I wish I could be so I took it down, I got to start living the truth however painful it is. Right now I am a GUY to every one out there and how can they know me if it is so, but another day is here and thanks to you I am feeling Not alone, and belonging, thanks for all your words and I take them to heart, they are so much more that just empty words on the screen, they are life giving! I do love you all very much!

[azSam]

I'm glad we could help Alexia. We are always here in case you need to vent. I have to say, seeing your venting did a lot to actually make me feel better, because I often go through feelings like that, sometimes intense, sometimes not; but seeing you put words to it did a lot help feel like I'm not so alone in my struggle.

[GinaDouglas]

As a person who believes in God, and whose faith has never wavered - my answer is that God did this to me because I could take it.  My travails make it easier for those who follow later, including those who would not have been able to take it, had I not made their burden lighter because I carried mine.

[Rosa]

Why me, why this confusion, at least when diseased I know what I am fighting, what the hell am I fighting now, what the hell am I fighting for?

You are fighting for YOU, and so are WE 

[Colleen Ireland]

Oh, and God?  About your sense of humor... 

[alexia elliot]

Well, as a therapy, I have done my feet, spent about 3 hours and ,which I have never done before in my life cause I thought I will leave it for when I am truly woman,  painted my toes shimmery pink pearl. OMG, I can not believe my feet can look so cute. Well I'll settle for cute feet before cute face I suppose. Bu this is a first for me so it is special

[iris1469]

Well, as a therapy, I have done my feet, spent about 3 hours and ,which I have never done before in my life cause I thought I will leave it for when I am truly woman,  painted my toes shimmery pink pearl. OMG, I can not believe my feet can look so cute. Well I'll settle for cute feet before cute face I suppose. Bu this is a first for me so it is special

From reading your posts, I assume that you are not currently on HRT. Based off what you said i really think that you should consider getting on HRT, you would be pleasantly surprised how nice it is!!!

Just a thought

But please make absolute certain that you are going through a dr.
If you live in Los Angeles, I can show you a clinic that will start you for free!!!

[alexia elliot]

Hey Superkitty (supercuty), I have been on HRT for 1year and 4mths. I just never got to go super feminine with all the details because of my inherent self criticism. I figured why would I dress feminine if I look like a guy, I would only provoke unintentional criticism and curious looks. I have lived through such in my childhood and ironically loughs and name calling was instigated by my looking so feminine then. Now that I am ready, I look like a bloke. So nails, and details didn't make me feel any more woman than just who I feel within. But just now I said what the heck, what am I saving my self for and did the toes. I just finished second coat, It Is a Job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not easy being gorgeous :-) at least in the toe department.

Thanks Superkitty for your support and loving words.

[iris1469]

Hey Superkitty (supercuty), I have been on HRT for 1year and 4mths. I just never got to go super feminine with all the details because of my inherent self criticism. I figured why would I dress feminine if I look like a guy, I would only provoke unintentional criticism and curious looks. I have lived through such in my childhood and ironically loughs and name calling was instigated by my looking so feminine then. Now that I am ready, I look like a bloke. So nails, and details didn't make me feel any more woman than just who I feel within. But just now I said what the heck, what am I saving my self for and did the toes. I just finished second coat, It Is a Job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not easy being gorgeous :-) at least in the toe department.

Thanks Superkitty for your support and loving words.

No problem, You have been on HRT 7 months longer than I, Ill bet you look very good, but like myself are your own worst critic.....smile hun its all good!

[Nigella]

I'm not going to give any platitudes because I know how they feel but just posting to say I hear you.

BTW and the post about God making us this way, I do not believe that for one minute, its fallen human nature with all its disease and birth abnormalities that is the cause. God didn't do it or it would make God the author of evil in a great number of the above issues including gender dysphoria. Just my take on it.

Stardust

[lilacwoman]

who said anything about looking superfem?
put some women's clothes on and go to a town you are not known in and walk down the street and have a coffee or a snack and browse the shops and see if all you hear is 'Look at that bloke!   You'll most likely find that no-one takes much notice of you.

those 16 months of HRT must have produced some changes for the better?

care to show us a pix?