***** & ****,
First I can say that to be your father is truly an honor. I am so proud of both of you and the trials that you have overcome and the awesome young women you have grown into! I am so glad of the fact that we have been able to even further build our relationships after my marriage to ****** and the difficulties that caused. I would hope to never cause you two any pain or difficulties.
However, these changes over the last year with our relationships changing and growing closer to you and me being able to grow as a person has brought me to writing you this letter. Don't worry, I am not sick and hopefully you will be stuck with me for the rest of your lives. So, on with the point....
I have a personal secret that I have had my entire life. I discovered when I was very young, that I have what is sometimes called gender dysphoria. Simply put, I feel that my gender is wrong. I have struggled my entire life to make myself ignore these feelings. It obviously is pretty weird to think of yourself identifying with the opposite sex. However, gender is not what body we have, but what our minds think we are. My parents were aware of this, and my mom just laughed it off and made remarks that she really wanted a girl anyways, my brothers teased me about it and my dad had no clue.
I have always been honest and upfront about it and have worried about you finding out about it from someone other than me. Yes, your mom was aware of it and of course one minute accepted it and the other used it against me. Lorena was the same. She pretended to accept it and once we were married, demanded that I not discuss it. I figured that with the hell that the separation was, and she tells Jazie everything, that you would have heard it from ***** when she was on one of her rants.
Yes, ***** knows everything and supports me even though she knows that this will be difficult for our relationship but she loves me for the person I am inside, regardless of what the package looks like on the outside!
So why am I telling you now after all these year of keeping it hidden? Well, I am tired of hiding myself from you and I am tired of the guilt, shame and denial I have dealt with for my entire life. I am now focused on finding my true self and I do not want to hide that from you two anymore. Over the years this has caused me more problems than you will ever know. I have been through counseling, psychoanalysis regarding the issues I have struggled with and have dealt with the effects of this to where this has almost brought me to the end. Yes, it was a huge factor when I attempted suicide 8 years ago.
I am now working on "coming out" to those closest to me. I am not gay, and wish being transgendered were as easy as simply being gay. I have to deal with not just how I feel on the outside, but how I am going to choose to present myself to the outside, however, that is a possibility. Even though I have struggled with this for 43 years, I am still at the beginning of this discovery and transition period. I know you probably have a ton of questions, I probably have just as many as well. If I know the answer, I will tell you. If I don't, I will be honest with you. I do know however, that I cannot begin this journey without telling those closest to me.
So far, the only exterior hints at my gender identity are my toenail polish, the fact that my arms and legs are shaved and I have begun electrolysis of my face to get rid of my beard. I am taking this one day at a time and am going to start more counseling and search for some support groups. As you know from your experience in life that this is not something that is broken that I can "fix" or be "treated" and disappear.
I am sure you are probably shocked and wonder what this means. Mostly, NOTHING! I am still your father, will always be your father, will always love you unconditionally, support you in everything that you do, and hope that you continue to allow me to be part of your lives and be there for you.
I have thought of telling you so many different times and have thought about writing this letter for a long time. I am terrified of losing you and our relationship. Having your father tell you he is transgendered cannot be easy, but I also think that both of you have learned to accept people for who they are and will HOPEFULLY still accept me. I hope this is the beginning of a new part of our relationship, and certainly hope not something that would end our relationship.
I also hope the fact that I am telling you helps you see that your love, understanding, acceptance is important to me.
I love you both so very much!
Your Dad..
