Boys Who Like Boys - Do you have this problem?

[Ambrose]

Hi everyone, I'm sort of having a bad day, I guess... it's just got me thinking again about my whole situation. Only two people really know about my feelings towards my gender and even then, aren't entirely accepting. I have a friend, with whom I'm in a rather 'unusual' relationship (as I see it at this point), and he tries to be tolerant, but he can't seem to grasp how I can be attracted to males, yet have such a strong desire to be seen as one as well.

I, myself, know how this is possible and I understand it. I know that gender identity and sexuality are two completely different things, but still, it doesn't seem to be so easy to convince others of this. I suppose what I'm wondering is, do any of you other FtM's who are attracted (completely or atleast mostly) to males experience this kind of issue? Do you have people questioning you and wondering "Why would you want to be a poofter when you can be a 'normal' girl?" -- Sorry for the possibly offencive wording, but this is basically what I've been asked.

Oh, and I just thought of another thing... my dad likes to say things like, "That's why girls like boys" and so on when I mention something about being disgusted by females (body related things). So, he's always just seeing me as a girl and completely throws things in my face rather often. He just doesn't get the picture at all. He seems to assume that most of my feelings are 'normal' and practically trivialises my discomfort and misery.

Sorry if I've gone off topic or anything.... I'm just having one of my confused days again... I have those a lot.

[cynthialee]

Strait people do not understand gay people or trans people so you really mess with their mind when you combine them.
As a lesbian (with bisexual tendancies) I totaly get it too. Not from family luckily but peers do ask these rude questions.

It seemed easier for years to remain male because it makes finding females for sex and romance easier but it just doesn't work in the long run does it? Trans is trans.

Good luck.

[Shang]

I've had this problem, but mainly from gay friends.  I am constantly being referred to as "her" because I like guys, but my straight friends refer to me as "he" even when talking to me (and I don't sound male) and even when I'm talking about guys I find attractive. 

[HarryP]

Yes, this is one of the things that most confuses my parents! They don't quite see the point of me taking the long and winding route to live as a gay man, when I could just have lived as a heterosexual woman.  I think they would almost have understood my wish to transition more if I liked women. 

But... I have been in a gay relationship for 4 months now, and it's great! So don't worry - people will accept you as a gay man, even if it takes some people a while to get used to the idea.   

[Aegir]

This one confuses a lot of people, I think. It confuses me even and it applies to me. "If I'm gay anyways and most men are straight why stop going around in girl disguise when it hypothetically maximizes my dating pool?" The answer, of course, is girl disguise makes me really quite unhappy.

I think your dad is having trouble handling having a gay son he thought was a straight daughter. He might take a really long time to come around, he might never come around.  I wish I had more encouraging things to say. :|

[Miniar]

Almost every single person I've come out to has asked me "what about your husband?"
As if my attraction to him is based on me being "a girl".

But you know, it doesn't just end there.
My friend (that did the telly interview with me) is straight and she heard from a friend that someone had said about her "Why can't he be gay like normal people?"

People will use whatever excuse or logic they can come up with, no matter what the truth is.
So... *shrug* Try not to care so much what they think.

[Jeatyn]

It baffles me that people simply don't get gay trans people. I've come across a lot of people like this. Gay? Fine, get that. Trans? Fine, get that. Gay AND trans? Does not compute.

[Silver]

Like my mom- she thinks all gay guys "secretly want to be women." She cannot accept the existence of masculine gay men or trans lesbians etc. So well, it's good that I like women because if I were a gay trans man I have no idea how she'd get her head around it.

[Arch]

Like my mom- she thinks all gay guys "secretly want to be women." She cannot accept the existence of masculine gay men or trans lesbians etc.

Wow. She should stick her head in the door while my gay men's group is meeting. About half of them are "you would never know" types. Maybe more, if the observer's gaydar isn't very sensitive.

Not to mention that my ex is sort of femmy, and he is straight straight straight.

[Silver]

Wow. She should stick her head in the door while my gay men's group is meeting. About half of them are "you would never know" types. Maybe more, if the observer's gaydar isn't very sensitive.

Not to mention that my ex is sort of femmy, and he is straight straight straight.

Yeah well I've explained multiple times but she likes to pretend to not hear what I say. The point is that I am sure there are many more like her and op's friends might be that type.

She was raised in a really conservative environment though, so you probably have a better chance of getting through. Maybe not your father though, you might just be screwed there.

[SethBenjamin]

It sucks but I think you'll find (if you choose to take hormones) that people will find it easier to accept you as a gay man the longer you are on testosterone.

Sorry you're having such a hard time.

[Teknoir]

People can't get their heads around it because they can't separate gender and sexuality.

It's fair enough - the only time gender really comes into play for cisgendered people is when it comes to choosing a prospective partner.

I can't help but laugh about it these days. I see the hilarity in being gay and trans. But it did stop me from transition for a long time - I put on the costume to hit on straight guys.

It didn't work. Even in costume I was far too masculine to be attractive to them. It only worked once, and then I found the major flaw in that plan - straight men want a woman.

In hindsight, it's obvious. As we are so painfully aware - gender is between the ears rather than the legs. Straight men are attracted to women - one with a genuine internal female gender identity as well as presentation. Just 50% of the mix doesn't really work unless they are somewhat flexible with their orientation .

[kyril]

People can't get their heads around it because they can't separate gender and sexuality.

It's fair enough - the only time gender really comes into play for cisgendered people is when it comes to choosing a prospective partner.

I can't help but laugh about it these days. I see the hilarity in being gay and trans. But it did stop me from transition for a long time - I put on the costume to hit on straight guys.

It didn't work. Even in costume I was far too masculine to be attractive to them. It only worked once, and then I found the major flaw in that plan - straight men want a woman.

In hindsight, it's obvious. As we are so painfully aware - gender is between the ears rather than the legs. Straight men are attracted to women - one with a genuine internal female gender identity as well as presentation. Just 50% of the mix doesn't really work unless they are somewhat flexible with their orientation .

Yeah, I had the same problem...I mean, I never had a problem getting guys to sleep with. Or to date. Or, hell, to marry me. But the relationships don't exactly work. They love me like a brother, we have a great time together, but...I mean, I'm like the total straight boy fantasy of a boy in a female body, I play videogames, fix cars, always pay my own way, take less time to get ready than they do, love their friends, and don't care if they leave their dirty socks on the floor. It's really fun for a while. But in the end, like most fantasies, the reality is problematic...eventually Peter Pan syndrome becomes unfulfilling.

[Cindy]

Sorry posting on guy's threads again.

I got the same sort of response recently. I'm becoming more and more interested in guys, may be hormonal and acceptance. I was told by a Gay friend that if I presented as a guy I'd have lots of Gay guys interested in me. WTF.

Cindy

[Jaxen]

I can't help but laugh about it these days. I see the hilarity in being gay and trans. But it did stop me from transition for a long time - I put on the costume to hit on straight guys.

It didn't work. Even in costume I was far too masculine to be attractive to them. It only worked once, and then I found the major flaw in that plan - straight men want a woman.

This was my big problem too. Only I ended up in two long term relationships from age 16 (1st lasted 7 years and 2nd lasted 10). A year after I left my husband I tried straight dating but it just depressed me. In that year I was getting more in touch with my suppressed male self and I just couldn't go back to living in drag. This past month I finally came out to everyone as trans and no one was really shocked by it.

Only thing is, this is the conversation I keep having with every single person:

Them: So you gonna date women now?
Me: Nope. I still like men.
Them: Why don't you stay a woman?
Me: Because I'm a guy.
Them: Wait... You're a guy that likes men?
Me: Yep.
Them: So you're gay? I don't get it.
Me:

I'm thinking of making up some little pamphlets or cards with the explaination on it so I don't have to go through it every time. heh

[cynthialee]

I know I know.....I am jumping into the mens area yet again......
Some straight women ussed to get frustrated and mad at me when I would have sex with them. I never did understand until recently.
Straight women do not like having sex with other women, even women that look like men. lol

Funny stuff eh?

[meh]

Yea, I got the same thing. I told my roommate that I was trans and wanted to transition so he goes "So, you like girls now?".  I was like..."no, I like guys still". And he was like, "but isn't it usually gay people who transition so they can be the opposite gender of the people they date?". I was just like, "Um...no". And I schooled him a bit and he finally got it.

I've come to the conclusion that the majority people have absolutely 0 knowledge or some weird wacky idea of what transgender or transexual is.

I also get the "isn't it easier to stay a "girl" since you like guys?".  >.<

[Alessandro]

...then I found the major flaw in that plan - straight men want a woman.

Hit the nail on the head right there.  One reason gay trans guys can't just 'be a straight girl' is because we will never be treated as the people we are, or wanted as that person by straight men.  Even with bisexual men it is awkward when all they see is girl.  These men want to be with a woman and there is a certain dynamic to that relationship that they are looking for which will clash with the dynamic we would want as gay men. 

I'm thinking of making up some little pamphlets or cards with the explaination on it so I don't have to go through it every time. heh

  I wouldn't mind doing this myself. 

[Fencesitter]

Yeah, I had the same problem...I mean, I never had a problem getting guys to sleep with. Or to date. Or, hell, to marry me. But the relationships don't exactly work. They love me like a brother, we have a great time together, but...I mean, I'm like the total straight boy fantasy of a boy in a female body, I play videogames, fix cars, always pay my own way, take less time to get ready than they do, love their friends, and don't care if they leave their dirty socks on the floor. It's really fun for a while. But in the end, like most fantasies, the reality is problematic...eventually Peter Pan syndrome becomes unfulfilling.

Same here. Though I also had one or two straight boyfriends who were perfectly okay with having a "best male friend in a female body". These do exist. A friend of mine, female body, genderqueer, behavior and interests like those of a guy, has been in a relationship with a straight guy for over 10 years now and it's exactly the way he likes this partnership.

Oh and the bi guy I dated was absolutely happy about the way I am, but he was also genderqueer, so... well...

[Ambrose]

Sorry that it's taken me awhile to reply -- I've been rather busy...

I just wanted you all to know that I appreciate your responses and advice. I just hope that things get easier eventually... no one in my family understands me at all. I'm not 'out' to most of them anyway, as I know what would happen.