I am biologically female, 18 years old. I don't know if I'm transgendered or not. I stay up until 4 in the morning thinking and worrying about this sometimes. I would rather where a hoody and sweats than a dress and makeup. I do enjoy dressing up sometimes, but I think about this a lot: every single time I look at my swimsuit to go swimming, I keep wishing it were a boy's swimsuit I was wearing. I keep thinking what I would look like if I were to transition. But then I think about my family. What would my sister and dad think? They claim they don't mind gay or transgendered people but sometimes see them differently. I don't know what all my friends would think. One time they were making a joke about trans people, and I flinched at it because I might be FtM. My best friend may or may not support me, I'm not sure. the rest of my family, I don't care what they think. Honestly I wouldn't want anything to do with them if I did decide to transition. I don't know how to come out to them or even if I should because I am still partly comfortable as a girl. I'm not sure if that makes sense. When I was a kid, even though I was dressed up in skirts and dresses, I had an intrest in dinosaurs and cars instead of Barbie dolls. I don't know if that means anything either. My mother (who passed away a couple of years ago unfortunately) had told me she and my father always wanted a boy. So I would hope my dad would be thrilled. I would miss my best friend if I had to say good bye to her. My grandparents may not get what would be going on. I don't know how to come out to these people that I love so much and give up the life I've always known as a female! Aside from that, I have a few questions: do chest binders hurt even if you have small breasts? Is it possible to talk to a therapist through the phone and not in person? I still live with my dad and I can't drive yet, so asking him to drive me there would mean having to come out to him. Last question: is it very hard to find a surgeon for top surgery? Any other advice on coming out would be very helpful.
