I am biologically female, 18 years old. I don't know if I'm transgendered or not. I stay up until 4 in the morning thinking and worrying about this sometimes. I would rather where a hoody and sweats than a dress and makeup. I do enjoy dressing up sometimes, but I think about this a lot: every single time I look at my swimsuit to go swimming, I keep wishing it were a boy's swimsuit I was wearing. I keep thinking what I would look like if I were to transition. But then I think about my family. What would my sister and dad think? They claim they don't mind gay or transgendered people but sometimes see them differently. I don't know what all my friends would think. One time they were making a joke about trans people, and I flinched at it because I might be FtM. My best friend may or may not support me, I'm not sure. the rest of my family, I don't care what they think. Honestly I wouldn't want anything to do with them if I did decide to transition. I don't know how to come out to them or even if I should because I am still partly comfortable as a girl. I'm not sure if that makes sense. When I was a kid, even though I was dressed up in skirts and dresses, I had an intrest in dinosaurs and cars instead of Barbie dolls. I don't know if that means anything either. My mother (who passed away a couple of years ago unfortunately) had told me she and my father always wanted a boy. So I would hope my dad would be thrilled. I would miss my best friend if I had to say good bye to her. My grandparents may not get what would be going on. I don't know how to come out to these people that I love so much and give up the life I've always known as a female! Aside from that, I have a few questions: do chest binders hurt even if you have small breasts? Is it possible to talk to a therapist through the phone and not in person? I still live with my dad and I can't drive yet, so asking him to drive me there would mean having to come out to him. Last question: is it very hard to find a surgeon for top surgery? Any other advice on coming out would be very helpful. 

Also, I tried crossdressing the other day with my dad's clothes and really enjoyed it. I don't know if that means anything or not.

Josh, I think these are questions we all wrestle with.  The answer, of course, is: it depends.  If there is a support group in your area, try attending to see if they are helpful to you.  A counselor might help, too.

This isn't something that has to be done in one step.  Try things out.  Edge into it.  Try it on for size and see if it fits.  Having someone IRL you can talk to helps.  Or you can hang out here and "talk" with the other guys. 

Good luck in your quest to find yourself.

- Kate

Hello Josh,
It looks like you really need someone to talk to. Do you think there is one person you trust enough to tell? Maybe your best friend? maybe your father (who could then help you go to the therapist)?
I would not out myself to everyone unless I was quiet sure about where things were going.
Don't let the fear of how people might react keep you from being yourself, after all, the most important thing is to be happy with who you are, and even though it's very hard to lose people you really care about, you will find there will always be others that will accept you as you are.
I wish you lots of strength!