I Hate Being Stealth

[Squirrel698]

Honestly I do.  I know that goes against the popular opinion around here.  However my point of view is a bit different then others.  I'm proud of myself and what I have accomplished in my life.  I suppose I want kudos in a way because none of this has been easy.  Besides all of it combined is what makes up who I am right now.  That's pretty cool actually.

However I know that will never happen.  I get a lot of daily crap for just being a gay male.  I had one guy recently tell me everything he surmised about me after meeting once just because I am gay.  Such as me not liking sports, wanting to hang around with only girls, knowing everything about fashion and being converted to homosexuality on the basis of the sex being great.  It was like dude, wrong, wrong, wrong and WRONG!  I am not a steriotype in anyway and it bugs me to no end that is how so many people, especially straight men, view anyone who identifies as gay.  I'm not even going to go into the whole 'gay button' theory so many breeders seem to have.  Not only that it turns out that he would rather stand then sit next to the horribleness that is me.  All this just because I am gay.  If I came out as trans it would be so much worse then that!  I'm actually worried that I'm going to get the beaten up someday because of it. 

I have ended up in the hospital intensive care before on account being thought a lesbian ironically enough when I was a teenager.  I really don't want that to happen again because of my kids.  I know it's scary but it's the facts.  So I want to be honest with people to hopefully avoid any unpleasant surprises for them.  Unfortunately all the misinformation about transgendered people is so high right now that there is no way I could do that and still be viewed the same way.     

I am also looked at as much younger than my age.  Like I've said before people view my 9 year old son as my brother now.  I was accused of being 16 / 17 years old and in a bar yesterday.  That halves my age.  Maybe it is a good thing in some ways because this society worships youth.  Unfortunately it also leads to people not taking me as seriously. 

Everyone I meet sees me as male these days.  I go hang out with guys all the time and I blend right in effortlessly.   Actually joined a dungeons and dragons group I found at meetup.com yesterday.  I didn't know a single person there but it didn't matter.  Guys are so easy to just fall in with if they view you as one of them.  I love that to death.  Unfortunately I don't feel like I do completely pass because they don't see me as I see me.   That combined with all my life experience that I have which is disregarded as people see me as to young to have it.   

So that's my vent.  Let me know if you can relate.  Thanks for reading.           

[GnomeKid]

I agree that I dislike being stealth.
I'm not intentionally stealthy anywhere in my life, but I'm not the kind to make a big deal out of things.  If it comes up then it comes up.  If it doesn't then I'm not going out of my way to say anything.  I don't like when people assume things about me either.  I don't like people assuming that I'm a typical guy who has had typical guy experiences in life.  Because that hasn't been my life, and frankly I'm quite a different person than I may have been if I had been born male in the first place, or had been born female and not-trans.  I, like you, am proud of my experiences and of my trans-identity.  It makes me queer, and I like that.

I am not, however, gay, so I can't relate to that part of it all. 

I don't really mind coming out if its not in an awkward "coming out" manner.  I tend to slip it into jokes.  Actually ->-bleeped-<- jokes[me situationally making fun of myself not other ->-bleeped-<-s] are some of my favorites to tell.  I like that I can brake peoples perceptions of ->-bleeped-<-s, and their thoughts that they could ever possibly be able to tell who is, and isn't, trans.  I like that I can answer their stupid questions with a smile, debunking their previous misconceptions, and spreading real knowledge of what being trans is to the general population.  I try to let no question be too personal, and try to answer every question in a "I've seen varied opinions on this ranging from whatever to whatever, but this is how I feel on that issue." format so that they don't get a closed mind that all trans people feel the way I do about everything.  I figure if they meet someone who comes off as 100% male who they already have come to like and that is open about everything that they'll be more open to the information, and more likely to defend trans people and their rights in the future.

I also find that I'm seen as younger than I am. However, in my case its a matter of only a few years not half my age so its a little bit less of an issue.  I also don't drink, so I don't find much annoyance in it at all.

[Izumi]

What are you talking about, stealth is awesome, you can fly undetected through enemy radar and bomb the #$!#@# out of someone.  Oh, being TS stealth isnt bad really its kind of like infiltration.  A lot of people come out and say I am TS.  I dont like that simply because i am not TS, i am just a woman that has been born with TS, but i am getting treatment, its working rather well.  Plus while your stealth people are free to be themselves around you, while i have noticed that people's actions change when they know.  Even BF that knew i was TS before hand treated me like crap compared to BF that didnt.  Being stealth doesnt take away from your accomplishments, how could it?  If your good in your occupation it shows, good parent it shows, dont need to be out to notice that, if you want to be noticed for your trials of overcoming TS, do that here. 

Personally i like being stealth, i dont need them to know i used to be a guy and now i look like this, i just want them to see what is in front of them, and not be overshadowed by my past.

[Squirrel698]

Thanks Gnome!  Good for you for running with the jokes.  Gay jokes and transgender jokes tend to make me uncomfortable still so I just look away.  Fortunately there really are not that many as for the most part guys want to talk about and laugh about themselves from what I have seen.   Education is really good however and people learn about us from us.  No other way it's going to work then people actually seeing a transgendered individual and realizing they are people same as everyone else. 

Izumi you are awesome I'll start with that.  In my post perhaps I went around it in a round about way but what I'm really complaining about is not being me stealth but societies perceptions of transgendered people.   I would be open if I could but I can't because of all of the screwed up information out there due to bad portrayals of trans people in the media.  I like being trans.  It's cool in own personal opinion.  However I do a lot of infiltration as you put it and yes it is fun.  It's amazing the things you learn.  Why are straight men obsessed with their balls and other guy's balls?  So many joke about balls.  Cracks me up to no end but not for the same reason they are laughing.       

[Izumi]

Thanks Gnome!  Good for you for running with the jokes.  Gay jokes and transgender jokes tend to make me uncomfortable still so I just look away.  Fortunately there really are not that many as for the most part guys want to talk about and laugh about themselves from what I have seen.   Education is really good however and people learn about us from us.  No other way it's going to work then people actually seeing a transgendered individual and realizing they are people same as everyone else. 

Izumi you are awesome I'll start with that.  In my post perhaps I went around it in a round about way but what I'm really complaining about is not being me stealth but societies perceptions of transgendered people.   I would be open if I could but I can't because of all of the screwed up information out there due to bad portrayals of trans people in the media.  I like being trans.  It's cool in own personal opinion.  However I do a lot of infiltration as you put it and yes it is fun.  It's amazing the things you learn.  Why are straight men obsessed with their balls and other guy's balls?  So many joke about balls.  Cracks me up to no end but not for the same reason they are laughing.       

I play airsoft, their are like 2 women there on average and like 40 guys, I haven't heard so much talk about dick, balls, and gay sex in my life as in the conversations i overhear only 1 day of playing airsoft.  For being homophobic these guys sure do talk about it alot.  heh.  The strange thing is how little in comparison they talk about straight sex.  Well, what can you expect really, i mean airsoft itself is a bunch of guys in a forest trying to touch each other with little balls.....  heh.

[cynthialee]

I completely understand the desire to be out.
You are right, this isnt easy. Transition is a bitch and the fact that you have made it as far as you have is quite the acomplishment.
But....
It is not ever going to be completely safe because the world doesn't accept that we are the men and women we say we are. Stealth if attainable is a very good plan.
Come to the places where the trans folks gather and share your victories there. Not only will you be recognised for the acomplishments in your transition, you will also serve as a role model for the younger ones.

It is sad our culture casts us away when we are accepted and revered in other cultures but it is what it is.

Hugz
C

[sneakersjay]

I love being stealth and being seen as just a guy.  I *AM* just a guy.  A gay guy.  I don't go around telling people I'm gay either unless I'm in a gay space.  Though I feel like saying, oh they call me she cuz I'm gay when coworkers slip with pronouns, they think I'm a girl.  but I am not stereotypically gay or girly.

IDK though, when I've outed myself to people who don't know suddenly they focus on that female thing and that  makes them want to talk about 'when you were a woman' which is what I do NOT want to talk about.  While it might be new and fascinating for them, even if they're accepting, it brings up nearly 50 years of anxiety and depression and hatred of my body for me.  Yes I have lived a pretty darn good life, one that I'm proud of, but I HATED being F and I'll be damned if I go around advertising the fact that I used to be that.  The whole point of transition was to be seen as me, as male.  Why would I then go and advertise the fact that I was anything otherwise?

Maybe someday I'll change my mind, but for now I'm just happy to be a gay guy with a teeny weinie.


Jay

[Octavianus]

In a society where people in general have a poor understanding of what ts is stealth seems to be the most comfortable way to live, I think. Ever so often people stop seeing you as a man/women and start seeing you as trans when you disclose yourself. This is not only so for this case, but in general people feel the need to define each others by labels, especially when they fall outside of what is considered "normal". Example gratia: That gay man, that transsexual, but never: That straight woman.
It is rather strange when you think about it, isn't it? It is ofcourse different when labels are used for the ease of identification e.g: that blonde child.
A large downside of stealth is that it remains hidden from society. And people can't learn from things if they don't get to know them. So in a certain way I am positive it also delays general acceptation by the public. It is like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Unfortunately I don't feel like I do completely pass because they don't see me as I see me.

We all view ourselves different from the way others see us. There is nothing you can do about it unless others can experience your person and situation. The past is what defines us, even if we don't like it. And it is also this past that we often cover up at least partially. But what others do see is what you have become they see the person in front of them: a result of the past.

For being homophobic these guys sure do talk about it alot.  heh.  The strange thing is how little in comparison they talk about straight sex.

They're just boys. It is exciting to talk about things with a slight taboo.