Hello-
This is my first time using a support forum. About 6 months ago my boyfriend divulged some unknown truths to me. Before I go into detail about what he told me, I want to give you the background to what brought us to this conversation...
First, my BF and I met on an online dating site. It was the first time I had used such technology, but after being alone for a while after a 4 year relationship I decided I needed to meet someone new, outside of my circle of friends and acquaintances. I think I had a dating profile for all of 3 days when I received my first private message from Dan. I had received messages from other guys on the site, but none of them stood out. His shy humor however caught my eye right away. We exchanged IM's and emails, and eventually we decided to meet. Our first date was an absolute disaster to say the least, a family crises had me ending the date prematurely (which thankfully he didn't take to mean I was disinterested or had planned a distraction for if the date wasn't going well).
Following that first date we had a handful more, our awkward courtship is something we both joke about still. I was wary of Dan's intentions, seeing as my previous relationship was one that ended on the worst terms, and before it did I lived through a dark period of depression and fleeting self worth. Only a few months before we met Dan returned home to the east coast after living for 2 1/2 years in California. This left me thinking (as my self esteem was dangerously low) that Dan was just using me for companionship until he found someone better. As time went on, and he continued to stay, I began to see that Dan was kinder than any man I had ever been with, and his love for me was truly genuine.
Almost immediately after we became "official" (about a month into our dating), Dan began to spend the night. He was living with his brother and working about 40 minutes from my apartment. At that time he was also working until around 9 or 9:30 at night, so each night when he came up to see me he wouldn't get to my apartment until 10 or 10:30 at night, so it was just more convenient for him to spend the night. Soon he was living with me full time. We shared everything about our pasts (or so I thought). I trusted him entirely, and I felt that he would NEVER do anything to harm me, intentionally or not.
Eventually, I came to a point in my life where things were a little messy. I was having lots of issues with my family, fears of failing myself when it came to school and work, and just general stressors that continued to build up. I'll admit, I am not the best at dealing with stress, but until that time I had never felt more overwhelmed in my life. At that time, I told Dan I simply wished that I could run away, that WE could run away. I felt that I had not yet explored all that I wanted to because of everything that was weighing me down. You see, I felt he could relate since his 2 1/2 year stint in California was the product of him leaving everything behind to try to start anew. He told me that was a bad idea, because you can only outrun your problems for so long, and though I was fighting with my family, they were there for me and he had some difficulties supporting himself alone in the current economic climate.
Then I asked the question that I now realize opened the doors to the waves of pain we have both been facing. It was innocent enough, or so I thought. I asked him why he left he felt that it was such a bad idea to do that. He then explained to me that he had started to have thoughts that made him believe he might be TG. He was 20 at the time, and decided to come out to his mother. His mother reacted very harshly, seeking counseling for him, and telling him that 'No son of hers would lead such an immoral life'. This hurt him, and because he couldn't stifle the thoughts, he fled.
After he told me that, he began to explain how he sought counseling in California, but felt that it wasn't the path for him. He admitted he had been silently struggling with depression over the past few months, but kept trying to stifle it because he didn't want to ruin what we had as being together makes him happy. At that time I did something that I regret. I
promised that I would stand by Dan in whatever decisions he made, and suggested that he seek counseling to quell his depression. I guess in my head, and in my heart, I minimized the TG feelings he spoke of having previously, because the promise of being with him, having him as my husband, and the father of my children sounded so amazing and right to me, so they obviously had to be the same for him.
Now, about 2 weeks ago I walked into our living room on Sunday morning, walked over to kiss his forehead and tell him good morning, only to have him quickly close the browser on his laptop and eye me suspiciously. I brushed this off, said goodmorning, and asked him what he had been up to. "Nothing", he said. He claimed he was browsing a car enthusiast forum, which he frequently does. Again, I shrugged it off and went to shower. When I came out I offered to take him to the diner across the street from us since I didn't feel like cooking. He said alright, and went to get changed. Like I always do before we go out, I picked up the computer and logged onto my bank account. The night before we had attended a concert in the city, and when we grabbed some drinks afterwords I used my debit card. I was a little peeved to see I had been charged twice. I called Dan back into the room, and was saying "I wonder if my bank caught this and sent me an email, they're usually pretty good with these things." When I went to the gmail website, which we both use, one of Dan's secondary emails was signed in, and though I don't try to read his personal messages, one caught my eye. There was a confirmation email, picture upload confirmation, and a few other emails from
herway.com, an internet dating site. My heart caught in my throat because once before I caught Dan looking at a similar site. I confronted him. I cried, I questioned, and I screamed. I hurt. I quickly gathered my keys, my sneakers, and my wallet determined to leave. Dan stopped me. He apologized and begged for a moment to explain.
At that moment he told me he was sorry. He said he wasn't seeking a relationship with anyone else, that he was happy with 'me', but that he wasn't happy with himself. He told me that the reason he looks at other women is not because he wants to be with them, but because he feels that he wants to BE them. I was in disbelief. I had successfully managed to block out any thought of Dan being anything but Dan. He is the man in my life, in my thoughts about my future. He told me that he had been looking at TG sites when I came into the living room to say goodmorning, and all his life he has had to hide that from others, including me. He told me he cancelled the herway account, and showed me on the email, as soon as he made it. He caught a link to it from another TG site and wanted to see what it was.
From there the well broke. We both cried more than either of us can remember in our lives. He continued to insist that he wanted to be with me, whether he pursued transitioning or not. He told me he planned to see a counselor, and that by January or February he would like to start Hormone Therapy. That is when it really hit me. I don't intend to hurt anyone, as I am typically accepting of the lives that anyone chooses to live (I have gay cousins, my mum-mum is a lesbian in a wonderful marriage, and I have friends who have struggled with gender issues in the past), but when Dan started to talk about transitioning, I began to feel physically sick. In my head he was systematically describing to me the plans he had to mutilate and kill the person I love. I asked him if he loved me, he said yes, I asked him if he wanted to be with me, yes again, and finally, I asked him if he wanted to be my husband. He said no. I felt like someone drove an ice pick straight thru my heart. I felt like the most heinous person, because I told him that if he chose to transition I knew I would chose to end the relationship- that I did not want to be with a woman. We continued to fight and cry until we went to bed. Once we were in bed, and the lights were out I couldn't stop crying or shaking. I felt like everything I knew to be right was suddenly wrong. As I lay there shivering, he put his arms around me. He started to kiss me, and I didn't stop him. We made love, and afterwords we both lay there crying and holding each other. Finally he fell asleep, and a few hours later so did I. However, I woke 2 or 3 times during the night unable to breathe only to start sobbing and shaking again. Each time Dan woke too, trying to console me, scared.
The next day he called me and asked me to meet him after work. He started to cry as we sat in my car, and so did I. He told me he spent more time reading about transitioning at work and reevaluating what he wanted with life. He said he did not want to lose me, or us, that being together made him far happier than he could imagine. He told me he KNEW he would not need to transition, and I told him I knew he was lying to me. He promised me he wasn't, and I continued not to believe him.
This past weekend I went away. I stayed with his friend in NYC, and she and I talked. Other than myself, I believe she probably knows Dan better than anyone else. We discussed his gender issues, and some other problems that we both know, and would like to help him to overcome. I was so glad to have her, and I knew she was the only person other than myself, and his mother that he had come out to. When he moved to CA she was his roommate, and thus had lived with him thru part of his confusion. I explained to her how I felt, and that I didn't think Dan was telling me the truth about not wanting to pursue transitioning. She agreed, and explained that it might be best for us to live seperatly so that he may make an autonomous decision. I called him Saturday, and we talked over the phone. He FINALLY admitted that he couldn't promise he wouldn't pursue that path, and that he had spent the weekend cross dressing since I was not home. This led us to further tears and arguments. I told him that I knew I couldn't be a part of that transition as a lover, and that if he continued to keep me in the dark, I may not be able to do that as a friend.
Now, I am at the point where I am so desperately afraid to stay, for fear that transitioning will be his ultimate end, but also scared to go because as a heterosexual couple I know that we would make a wonderful life together. Again, I don't understand why this is such an impossible hurdle for me, and I told him that if he simply felt compelled to cross dress I wouldn't feel the need to leave. I just simply cannot see myself with a woman, I am not attracted to other woman sexually, and I believe that sex is something that is very important in a relationship, not for the superficial reasons, but for the closeness that it brings.
I feel awful for the barrier that I can't overcome, as I love Dan with all of my heart. I just don't know that my love could overcome such change.
I'm sorry for the length of this post, I just don't know quite where to go from here...
