Hello-

This is my first time using a support forum. About 6 months ago my boyfriend divulged some unknown truths to me. Before I go into detail about what he told me, I want to give you the background to what brought us to this conversation...

First, my BF and I met on an online dating site. It was the first time I had used such technology, but after being alone for a while after a 4 year relationship I decided I needed to meet someone new, outside of my circle of friends and acquaintances. I think I had a dating profile for all of 3 days when I received my first private message from Dan. I had received messages from other guys on the site, but none of them stood out. His shy humor however caught my eye right away. We exchanged IM's and emails, and eventually we decided to meet. Our first date was an absolute disaster to say the least, a family crises had me ending the date prematurely (which thankfully he didn't take to mean I was disinterested or had planned a distraction for if the date wasn't going well).

Following that first date we had a handful more, our awkward courtship is something we both joke about still. I was wary of Dan's intentions, seeing as my previous relationship was one that ended on the worst terms, and before it did I lived through a dark period of depression and fleeting self worth. Only a few months before we met Dan returned home to the east coast after living for 2 1/2 years in California. This left me thinking (as my self esteem was dangerously low) that Dan was just using me for companionship until he found someone better. As time went on, and he continued to stay, I began to see that Dan was kinder than any man I had ever been with, and his love for me was truly genuine.

Almost immediately after we became "official" (about a month into our dating), Dan began to spend the night. He was living with his brother and working about 40 minutes from my apartment. At that time he was also working until around 9 or 9:30 at night, so each night when he came up to see me he wouldn't get to my apartment until 10 or 10:30 at night, so it was just more convenient for him to spend the night. Soon he was living with me full time. We shared everything about our pasts (or so I thought). I trusted him entirely, and I felt that he would NEVER do anything to harm me, intentionally or not.

Eventually, I came to a point in my life where things were a little messy. I was having lots of issues with my family, fears of failing myself when it came to school and work, and just general stressors that continued to build up. I'll admit, I am not the best at dealing with stress, but until that time I had never felt more overwhelmed in my life. At that time, I told Dan I simply wished that I could run away, that WE could run away. I felt that I had not yet explored all that I wanted to because of everything that was weighing me down. You see, I felt he could relate since his 2 1/2 year stint in California was the product of him leaving everything behind to try to start anew. He told me that was a bad idea, because you can only outrun your problems for so long, and though I was fighting with my family, they were there for me and he had some difficulties supporting himself alone in the current economic climate.

Then I asked the question that I now realize opened the doors to the waves of pain we have both been facing. It was innocent enough, or so I thought. I asked him why he left he felt that it was such a bad idea to do that. He then explained to me that he had started to have thoughts that made him believe he might be TG. He was 20 at the time, and decided to come out to his mother. His mother reacted very harshly, seeking counseling for him, and telling him that 'No son of hers would lead such an immoral life'. This hurt him, and because he couldn't stifle the thoughts, he fled.

After he told me that, he began to explain how he sought counseling in California, but felt that it wasn't the path for him. He admitted he had been silently struggling with depression over the past few months, but kept trying to stifle it because he didn't want to ruin what we had as being together makes him happy. At that time I did something that I regret. I promised that I would stand by Dan in whatever decisions he made, and suggested that he seek counseling to quell his depression. I guess in my head, and in my heart, I minimized the TG feelings he spoke of having previously, because the promise of being with him, having him as my husband, and the father of my children sounded so amazing and right to me, so they obviously had to be the same for him.

Now, about 2 weeks ago I walked into our living room on Sunday morning, walked over to kiss his forehead and tell him good morning, only to have him quickly close the browser on his laptop and eye me suspiciously. I brushed this off, said goodmorning, and asked him what he had been up to. "Nothing", he said. He claimed he was browsing a car enthusiast forum, which he frequently does. Again, I shrugged it off and went to shower. When I came out I offered to take him to the diner across the street from us since I didn't feel like cooking. He said alright, and went to get changed. Like I always do before we go out, I picked up the computer and logged onto my bank account. The night before we had attended a concert in the city, and when we grabbed some drinks afterwords I used my debit card. I was a little peeved to see I had been charged twice. I called Dan back into the room, and was saying "I wonder if my bank caught this and sent me an email, they're usually pretty good with these things." When I went to the gmail website, which we both use, one of Dan's secondary emails was signed in, and though I don't try to read his personal messages, one caught my eye. There was a confirmation email, picture upload confirmation, and a few other emails from herway.com, an internet dating site. My heart caught in my throat because once before I caught Dan looking at a similar site. I confronted him. I cried, I questioned, and I screamed. I hurt. I quickly gathered my keys, my sneakers, and my wallet determined to leave. Dan stopped me. He apologized and begged for a moment to explain.

At that moment he told me he was sorry. He said he wasn't seeking a relationship with anyone else, that he was happy with 'me', but that he wasn't happy with himself. He told me that the reason he looks at other women is not because he wants to be with them, but because he feels that he wants to BE them. I was in disbelief. I had successfully managed to block out any thought of Dan being anything but Dan. He is the man in my life, in my thoughts about my future. He told me that he had been looking at TG sites when I came into the living room to say goodmorning, and all his life he has had to hide that from others, including me. He told me he cancelled the herway account, and showed me on the email, as soon as he made it. He caught a link to it from another TG site and wanted to see what it was.

From there the well broke. We both cried more than either of us can remember in our lives. He continued to insist that he wanted to be with me, whether he pursued transitioning or not. He told me he planned to see a counselor, and that by January or February he would like to start Hormone Therapy. That is when it really hit me. I don't intend to hurt anyone, as I am typically accepting of the lives that anyone chooses to live (I have gay cousins, my mum-mum is a lesbian in a wonderful marriage, and I have friends who have struggled with gender issues in the past), but when Dan started to talk about transitioning, I began to feel physically sick. In my head he was systematically describing to me the plans he had to mutilate and kill the person I love. I asked him if he loved me, he said yes, I asked him if he wanted to be with me, yes again, and finally, I asked him if he wanted to be my husband. He said no. I felt like someone drove an ice pick straight thru my heart. I felt like the most heinous person, because I told him that if he chose to transition I knew I would chose to end the relationship- that I did not want to be with a woman. We continued to fight and cry until we went to bed. Once we were in bed, and the lights were out I couldn't stop crying or shaking. I felt like everything I knew to be right was suddenly wrong. As I lay there shivering, he put his arms around me. He started to kiss me, and I didn't stop him. We made love, and afterwords we both lay there crying and holding each other. Finally he fell asleep, and a few hours later so did I. However, I woke 2 or 3 times during the night unable to breathe only to start sobbing and shaking again. Each time Dan woke too, trying to console me, scared.

The next day he called me and asked me to meet him after work. He started to cry as we sat in my car, and so did I. He told me he spent more time reading about transitioning at work and reevaluating what he wanted with life. He said he did not want to lose me, or us, that being together made him far happier than he could imagine. He told me he KNEW he would not need to transition, and I told him I knew he was lying to me. He promised me he wasn't, and I continued not to believe him.

This past weekend I went away. I stayed with his friend in NYC, and she and I talked. Other than myself, I believe she probably knows Dan better than anyone else. We discussed his gender issues, and some other problems that we both know, and would like to help him to overcome. I was so glad to have her, and I knew she was the only person other than myself, and his mother that he had come out to. When he moved to CA she was his roommate, and thus had lived with him thru part of his confusion. I explained to her how I felt, and that I didn't think Dan was telling me the truth about not wanting to pursue transitioning. She agreed, and explained that it might be best for us to live seperatly so that he may make an autonomous decision. I called him Saturday, and we talked over the phone. He FINALLY admitted that he couldn't promise he wouldn't pursue that path, and that he had spent the weekend cross dressing since I was not home. This led us to further tears and arguments. I told him that I knew I couldn't be a part of that transition as a lover, and that if he continued to keep me in the dark, I may not be able to do that as a friend.

Now, I am at the point where I am so desperately afraid to stay, for fear that transitioning will be his ultimate end, but also scared to go because as a heterosexual couple I know that we would make a wonderful life together. Again, I don't understand why this is such an impossible hurdle for me, and I told him that if he simply felt compelled to cross dress I wouldn't feel the need to leave. I just simply cannot see myself with a woman, I am not attracted to other woman sexually, and I believe that sex is something that is very important in a relationship, not for the superficial reasons, but for the closeness that it brings.

I feel awful for the barrier that I can't overcome, as I love Dan with all of my heart. I just don't know that my love could overcome such change.

I'm sorry for the length of this post, I just don't know quite where to go from here...

If you trully love him, why it should matter?  =/
He probably was expecting you to be a helpfull friend at this extremely difficult time to him.
It's just the body, afterall... Your boyfriend will be the same, just more happy than before.
*sighs*
Wish i could say something better, but english isn't the best language to express myself...

Your reaction really is not surprising.  SOs often react the same way.  This person is killing the one they love.  But they are still the same person.  You may not wish to see yourself in this kind of relationship, but is it because of the relationship or because of your personal self view?

You may want to look within and see why this bother you so.  It is hard enough to risk losing the one you love, because we are who we are.

I really hope for the best for you.  And if that means being with Dan, then so much the better.

I feel for both of you, it is very difficult for both the SO and trans partner.

Some questions I have asked myself and about us.

Would he love you for who you are, no matter whether you are fat or skinny, youthful or wrinkly,  or if you became severely disabled (no sex) or had a condition that pills can't cure. Do I feel the same way about him?

It has been supporting each other through thick and thin, overcoming difficulties together, both of us knowing how the other thinks, being relaxed, open and vulnerable while trusting each other that has made us close.

Another question. Could I love him if he gradually started to look like a woman. I don't know, I've never been attracted to women, but yes, I would try because it'd be the her inside that I love and have a relationship with.

I hope you both overcome this by growing together, stronger and closer and do find that staying together is what will make you happiest.

In some ways I think it should not matter but it does. It matters to you.

My suggestion, see how it goes. transition does not happen over night. Examine what you are truly afraid of. It won't be easy, and to be honest most couples break up when faced with this.  But there is a chance you can make it. Theo has some great questions. I think they are worth thinking about.

There is no shame in deciding you can not be with them if they transition. But know that for them it won't really be a choice. The need gets stronger as time goes on. In the end we have to be ourselves. So try not to make ultimatums because they will end up feeling even more guilty than they do. It is no ones fault.

It is ok to be honest though that you are not sure if you could stay with a trans partner who transitions. But it is worth giving it your best shot an't it?

All the best!

Nicole

this is an old familiar story that I think ends badly more often than not.
good luck with whatever you decide.

Thank you for your responses. I think that the reason this is such an issue for me is that above all I hate being lied to, and right now I just feel like I can't trust him. I feel like communication is the most important thing a relationship can have, even if your biggest issue is figuring out who is going to walk the dog in the morning. Right now, there is no trust.

I also asked him if roles were reversed, and I was the one questioning my gender identity if he would stay with me. He told me that he probably wouldn't, which I guess should make it easier to leave if I can't hack it. But at the same time, it physically makes me hurt to think of a life without him. The problem is the him I imagine is a him, not a her.

It occurs to me that maybe you should read some of Mrs Erocse's posts. This is a difficult situation and each person will have to deal with it in their own way, but just to show you that love can survive such a situation: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,85870.0.html

Bottom line is you need to try to understand the shame that many tans people feel about their situation. Very few of us have the experience that I did of growing up in a family where it was mostly ok. Most are taught from an early age that their feelings are unacceptable and that they must FIGHT to conceal and repress them all their lives.

They CAN'T tell you the truth because all their lives they have been taught that to admit the truth is shameful and dirty and sinful. They have had it drilled into them that to tell the lie is RIGHTEOUS - and the worst is much of society still peddles that message.

What you call lying is really the logical effect of years of repression by families. If more parents were accepting then more trans people would grow up able to be honest, and fewer partners would have to face the horrible shock that you have done. So if want to blame anyone for the deception blame all those who try to pressure the young trans person into conformity! Only rarely do a few like me escape and/or resist this.

I am not making light of your suffering. I understand the hurt you must feel, but I hope from what you say that you may still find the strength to look beyond that and see that though the outward form may change, the person inside is the same.

There are no easy answers.
Your lover could not tell you until she trusted you. As Jenny stated, trans children are conditioned to hide their gender from a young age. To not do so is to risk social sanctions.

If she transitions you will have to decide if you can continue to be lovers. If you are not at least somewhat bisexual then good friends is the best you can hope for.
If she does not transition now she very well may sometime in the future. I told my wife I would never transition and that I could contain the woman within.....Yeah not so much. Luckily my spouse stayed, but that is rare.

I wish you and your mate the best of outcomes possible.
Please keep us posted on the eventual outcome.

So, Friday Dan has his first appointment with a popular gender therapist in our area. I am nervous, so I asked him if he was. He is. We have spent more time talking about how he feels, and I have been trying hard to listen with minimal interruptions. I am not sure whether to believe him or not, but right now he is telling me that he doesn't believe that he wants to pursue transitioning, that he believes therapy and perhaps medication to balance him chemically might be what he needs. I want to believe him, because as he has told me before, he is comfortable in his body, and he likes his male genitalia, he doesn't ever see himself as having any of those operations at the  least. But, we will see.

I also scheduled a couples therapy appointment for us on the 9th of November. The Psychiatrist I found deals with GLBT issues, and seems to be very reputable, hopefully we will like her. I think that seeing her together will be good for us, even if we don't end up staying together, I think it will allow us to make a cleaner break. Don't take that to mean I am set on our relationship ending though- I love Dan very much, more than anyone I have ever known- I just think that he should be able to make his decisions without fearing that he will be hurting me.

This weekend was somewhat difficult though. We went to Boston for the weekend to visit my friend, and his family. Seeing his Aunt and Uncle cooking together, and his cousin and her husband and their children playing and interacting, just seeing them SO HAPPY, killed me. I started to cry when we were alone upstairs, and he asked me why. I explained to him that more than anything, I do want a husband, I do want a family. I want to have children, something that I don't believe I would be willing to do with him if he pursued any type of transition, and something that even if I felt I could do with him emotionally, financially it would be so far away that it probably wouldn't be possible with the added costs of transitioning. I know that there are no easy answers for this, I just wish that I knew even slightly, what direction I am heading in.

Dear Heartsick and Helpless.\,

I really feel for you.

This is a post I sent to Mrs Erocse, I think it is relevant here as well.

Dear Mrs Erocse,

People who are not in love have no comprehension what it means. Many people have relationships even marriage, but they do not love. Love transcends. Love is caring for the soul of the person. My wife knew about Cindy before we married, and we had the frank discussion that she was a very important part of 'me' but that I would be a husband and she a wife. An honestly proposed contract and one we lived to. But in the end the crippling emotional pain lead to more and more changes. TG people are selfish. I think in some way they have to be, or be dead. It's isn't an addiction. It isn't an "Oh please accept me'. It is a terrible driving force of gender.  No one can really relate to it unless you are (which sounds egotistical and dumb), and on reflection is both.

Where does a couple go? I don't know if you have children, or even your ages, or the employment situation. All of these impact on your feelings.  Random Thoughts:  I need a father to my children not another mother. We need an income to keep the life we wish. What about my desires. I'm a woman and I'm not a lesbian. I want male sexual contact. I'm too young to give that away. I want to go out looking nice, I want to wear nice clothes and be appreciated by my friends. I'm not too sure if I want to go out as sisters, unless we have dates. I'm very unsure of that. Where does that lead?
I'm giving up everything to let her live. I'm jealous of her. Where next?

I think these are the more common thoughts. You and Ercose have to set boundaries. They are your boundaries. What is acceptable and what is not. If she has freedom so must you, she needs to understand that.

You and Dan are in the same, if not  a worse position. My wife and I were somewhat similar.  We had a whirlwind romance while I was trying to transition (28 years ago things were different BTW). Totally in love we married we had the verbal contract as above. I have never broken it. It wasn't until we decided to have children that the biological joke I am, came laughing to the door. I was totally sterile. IVF wasn't an option at that time. So we lived and loved. The rest is history and  that is available on the board and I'm too (emotionally) flat to repeat it at the moment.

You face tough decisions. Terrible decisions. There is no cure for being TG. Goddess so many of us have tried.

Some may find this strange counsel. Decide what you want in life and do it. If you want a man and a family and and a husband etc find him. You have not found him in Dan (IMO).

This may sound a little sick but maybe try it. At the absolutely worse TOM tell Dan how crap you feel. The pain the cramps the discomfort, the changing of pads and tampons,  If he had a choice in life would he take that on? You don't have a choice, if he is TG would he want the choice? And I'm not talking about sick fantasies, I am talking about being female.  I have never met a women who 'enjoys' her period, unless it is to tell that she is or isn't pregnant depending upon the situation. I would love to have had periods, it means I could have carried children. I could have been a Mum. I am a woman, I desperately wanted to have children. And I wanted to be the pregnant one.

I am know writing into a problem. There is no 'I'm more TG than you' and I totally agree. So I am going to finish here.

Take Care and I am thinking about you. As ever, in the end it is your decision.


Cindy

Quote from: Flam on October 19, 2010, 10:16:21 PM
If you trully love him, why it should matter?  =/
He probably was expecting you to be a helpfull friend at this extremely difficult time to him.
It's just the body, afterall... Your boyfriend will be the same, just more happy than before.
*sighs*
Wish i could say something better, but english isn't the best language to express myself...

OH please. Don't be so naive. People fall in love with WHO and WHAT their partner is.

If some one decides to transition in a relationship you have got to be seriously lucky to find someone who doesn't care. To think otherwise is quite deluded.

Heartsick and helpless,

I can't say that I know how you feel, I don't.

But the situation you describe sounds similar to the situation that I am currently in with my partner.

I think you are doing a commendable job - as has been said, many times, being transgendered is not a choice, if it were, I doubt anyone would choose it

I think Cindy's post has said everything I would have and more....

You mentioned you don't like being lied to, I don't begin to imagine the workings of your relationship with your partner, but speaking from my own experience, its not so much a lie, but rather withholding the full truth... not that it makes it any better, but at least for me, nothing I said or did was a lie to my partner, there was just an aspect of my life, my being that I didn't divulge.
And I regret that, it has damaged our relationship.

You said this:

I know that there are no easy answers for this, I just wish that I knew even slightly, what direction I am heading in.


You are absolutley right, and your partner is probably feeling the same way.

the only advice I can offer is the advice so many have offered to me - communicate - both your feelings and your partners, you need to both be open if this is going to work

and be true to yourself...

I wish you and your partner all the best

~Sarah

HaS:

Your reaction is actually quite similar to many partners of transgendered people.  In addition to the agony of the secret, you also feel betrayed that the person you had so trusted could not trust you with this secret.  As others have mentioned, many of us learn that these feelings are treated as repulsive to others and that we are somehow perverted for having them.  We learn that we must never tell anyone.

This is not an easy life, and I daresay that Dan is also frightened of what may happen and not sure of the path.

That you are willing to stand with him while he goes through therapy and to go through therapy with him is very good.  We feel so totally isolated because of this and to have someone to share that with helps immeasurably, thank you for that.

I cannot add much more to what has already been said other than to say that there are many here who face what you are facing and you will find many supportive people here.  We're glad you came here and hope that you can find the support you need.

Thank you.

-Sandy

@Heartsick

I'm glad you are going to to a gender specialist together. It should help. There's nothing they haven't heard before, many, many times and they won't be at all embarrassed. BTW I think you are brave to discuss stuff that bothers you and hurts and it's well sensible to do so as calmly as possible which you are doing.

I suppose Dan has talked to you about dysphoria, or you've been reading up on it? For me there's two parts to it, body dysphoria - not being comfortable with your body or part of it, and social dysphoria - sadness from not being viewed and reacted to as the person you see yourself as. I'm not the least dysphoric about my lower half it, it works fine. Dan may feel the same way about keeping the tackle and using it.

Hormone therapy (HRT) you need to find out about.

Whatever you actually fear might happen due to treatment get information about it. It's better to say ok, I know what might happen than fear what definitely won't.

Here's a blog about a couple who survived and have thrived with transition. They have a child and grandchild/ren

http://transmarried.blogspot.com/search/label/Granddaughter

Here's another page you may find interesting too

http://transmarried.blogspot.com/search/label/Best%20Things%20About%20Being%20Married%20to%20a%20Transsexual

So, If you want a child, assuming you are both capable/fertile, there's no reason you can't, some FTM's with male partners carry a baby and give birth even. Kids are accepting of FTM and MTF parents because they love their parents.

Now, I know you are saying the financial cost of transition is a consideration but the cost depends on how much or little Dan really needs to stop feeling depressed /dysphoric. If you are both good with money and know how to get what you need for the least cost it's surprising what you can do on one wage. I thought I was really good with money but even I learned shed loads with the following website;

http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/

the moneysaving ideas are good no matter where you live and it's free to join.

For me it is all about being able to live happily, as me, with him, I don't need a full transition with knobs on and I won't feel less a man for not having the knob. It's tough if you two don't find a way to make this work to fulfill both your needs but it's no shame on either of you if you can't do so because your needs are incompatible. Just remember needs are things you need to live, wants are things you can live without having.

You are doing bloody marvellous getting this far.

Thank you all again, your support means a lot to me. It seems somewhat difficult to find support groups for the SO's of TG people- many of the other sites I have looked at seem to try to guilt the SO into making a decision that ultimately benefits no one. I hope that I can find the strength to stay, but if I can't I am not going to abandon Dan. @Theo- Thank you for those site suggestions, I did check them out.

I'd like to think that this whole mess would be somewhat easier for me to deal with if we didn't already have other issues on the table, but to be honest I think that they are serving somewhat as a buffer. One of the biggest issues we have constantly fought over is money. I truly believe that money can make or break a relationship. I don't expect to be rich, I do however, expect that we should have a small rainy day fund for the inevitable pitfalls that a young couple is bound to have. However, Dan is absolutely horrid with money. He has been getting better at letting me budget some of his things, but it is seriously more difficult than convincing a 4 year old to brush their teeth. 

I have already told him hands down that I will never contribute so much as a dime towards hormones or srs for him. I will help him to pay for therapy with the gender specialist if he has trouble affording that, but I believe that the other things, if he should need them, are things he needs to be responsible for. Dan is the youngest of 3 brothers, whereas, I am the second eldest (though my older sister does only for herself) of 6. He has always had things handed to him, most of the time because his parents were trying to make him happy (they separated when he was 2) since his 2 brothers were significantly older then him. He therefore is not so great at accepting responsibility for finances. In many aspects I give in to the things that Dan wants by not doing all of the things I want to do for myself. He knows this, and therefore he didn't put up any fight when I told him I would not be assisting him financially with that.

@CindyJames I feel somewhat of a kinship to you- You are unbelievably selfless, even when you admit that TG people, out of the necessity to live must be somewhat selfish. I envy your strength, and I hope that I can persevere through this, because as you said, love is something that many people go through life missing, or with false concepts of what it is to love. I am not sure if Dan is the person who I am going to spend the rest of my life with, but I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. Before Dan told me that he believes he may be TG, I could easily picture us spending the rest of our lives together. Now, I am not sure where we will be a week from now, let alone in another year. I can honestly say that in the time that he and I have been together I have become more comfortable with who I am, I have been able to open up in ways that even a year ago I would have feared. Dan is very dear to me, and the love I have for him is genuine. I just want him to be happy, and I have promised him, and myself, that I will try to be as understanding as possible throughout this. If worst comes to worst though, I still hope that he and I will be able to call each other friends. There are very few people in my life that can listen to my voice or take a look at me and know something is off. Dan is one of those people, and I know he cares for me just as much as I do for him. If I have to lose the physical aspect of him I at least hope to retain the mental parts.

QuoteOne of the biggest issues we have constantly fought over is money.

Part of what ended a relationship for me, and, yeah, money and kids are the two biggies.

     I would suggest that you be honest with your heart. You have a lover and a friend now. If you leave Dan you don't have that. You were not happy before Dan, will you be when you leave him. I know there are challenges and changes and nobody likes change ever.....We are comfortable with the status quo.  We want our prince charming and life the way we imagined as a child. The one we are brought up on in Disney Films. Even if a man is found that does not a prince make.
     It seems you are very informed and everyone here has given very intelligent and kind support as is the style of Suzan's place.  So the choice is yours.  If you decide to stay you are a pioneer paving the way of acceptance in this world for transger people. I wish the world was a balanced and kind place. It would make life nicer for us all.
     We wish you the Best!!!

    I am a transgender individual. I have been blessed with a wonderfully supportive spouse of 28 years, Three beautiful children. And a simply wonderful life.  I will not pretend to know what it is to be in your shoes or even know what it must feel like.

    We all like to feel we are individuals and we walk to the beat of our own drum. We think we do things that we choose to do because we simply want to. But the reality is that , we are so  influenced by the people around us, sometimes it prevents us from doing the things we really want to do.

   Some people want money, Some want a family, Some want the big house with the white picket fence. Some want a career. 

   That being said , we all share some commonalities. Every single person I have ever met, desires to have, basically the same thing in life. They want to love and be loved. They wish for companionship with a person they admire.  They want to feel secure that the person they choose to share their life with , will be there in good times as well as difficult times. They want a friend to laugh with and cry with. Someone to grow old with . Someone to share there inner most secret feelings. Someone you can look deep into their eyes and see that they feel the same about you as you feel toward them.

    It is not difficult to experience and have all these things that we wish for ourselves. Within a relationship with a transgendered person.

   It is unfortunate though that outside influences may deprive us from what we truly wish for. Because we are so influenced by "what people may say " or think. We worry about, What will my parents and siblings think? What will they say about us , behind our backs?  What will our neighbors think, will the community accept us? Even things like, will we get less the average service at  places of business.

   Whenever two people desire to cohabitate . Weather gay , trans or hetro you will have  problems. Money, family, work etc...

   The decision you make should be made not from what is said here. Not by the way you may feel how people will perceive you. But what you feel when you look into his eyes. Do you trust him , does he love you?

    I wish the world was a perfect place, it is not.  We can only hope to perfect our little world in which we live

   Hugs, Erocse

I'd be lying if I said that I haven't spent nearly every waking moment trying to figure out how to get through this. It's like I keep waiting for a light bulb to go off, or for some Eureka! moment that just makes everything fit. Right now, I am able to keep going because the only steps we have taken are to pursue therapy, individually, and together. From what I have read, and what I believe of any major changes that a couple faces (gay, trans, or some other version of togetherness), when something changes for one person, it alters the life of both. This seems especially true of relationships with people who are TG.

I find it especially hard to come to terms with the idea of being a woman, because other than admiring the beauty that other woman naturally possess, I have no physical interest in them. I do not wish to have a lesbian relationship, which I have been clear about to Dan, so as not to set false hopes for him there. I realize that while physically he may change, he will remain the same in other ways. That is why I am torn. It also doesn't help that in general, I find the company of other women to be taxing. I get along better with my male friends because they tend to be more laid back. Dan is quiet, which works for us. I am the loud one, the excited one, and he evens me out. I know this probably sounds all wrong, and I apologize, because it isn't meant to. I just am having difficulty (for once) with explaining how I feel when it comes to all of this.

I love Dan, and I would have happily made a life with him as a heterosexual couple. And yes @Erocse- I do want a family, and some version of the white picket fence. But I don't know if that is possible with Dan if he is a woman. I know that probably seems completely horrid, but with all of the other challenges we already have on our plate, this one just feels a little more impossible. I understand completely what you are saying, and what @Mrs. Erocse is saying as well. I can only hope to be the best friend and lover that Dan deserves, but I will not lie to him or myself. If things get difficult, I am not going to just pick up and run. But if I feel that we are hurting each other to the point that it is damaging our friendship, and our love, I will not hesitate to remove myself from the equation in the ways that I must.


I hope that any of that made sense... I just got home from work and I'm a little exhausted. I'm nervous and Dan probably won't be home for another 3 or 4 hours. He has his first appointment with the therapist at 6 and I believe it's about an hour and a half away. I am going to bury myself in cooking and cleaning so that time will hopefully move a little quicker.


Thank you all for your support, you are all wonderful.