Sometimes I'm scared I'm dreaming

[Melody Maia]

I don't know if this has happened to you, but sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I sometimes fear that my coming out, starting on HRT etc. was part of a dream. Throughout my life I have had dreams where I would become a woman. Sometimes they were super-realistic to the point that in my dream I would desperately hope that I wasn't dreaming. Of course, I would wake up, find out that it in fact was a dream and then get very depressed. There were even times I would change back into a man in the dream itself much to my despair. Anyway, as hard as it has been, I am now living my dream and it is as if part of me doesn't want to believe it is real because I might wake up any second and be bitterly disappointed again. Sounds a bit crazy, I guess, but I figured if anyone would understand, it would be my friends on Susan's.

[Cindy]

I don't know if this has happened to you, but sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I sometimes fear that my coming out, starting on HRT etc. was part of a dream. Throughout my life I have had dreams where I would become a woman. Sometimes they were super-realistic to the point that in my dream I would desperately hope that I wasn't dreaming. Of course, I would wake up, find out that it in fact was a dream and then get very depressed. There were even times I would change back into a man in the dream itself much to my despair. Anyway, as hard as it has been, I am now living my dream and it is as if part of me doesn't want to believe it is real because I might wake up any second and be bitterly disappointed again. Sounds a bit crazy, I guess, but I figured if anyone would understand, it would be my friends on Susan's.

I don't think is uncommon. Every step we make now seems like walking a path that we only ever 'dreamed' about. Finally we make a decision that is very hard, we commit and then is someone going to rip it away from us. The first time out. The first time at a TG friendly place. The first time shopping as Melody or Cindy. The reaction of people, will they frighten us? We are so used to be scared and we have now faced it.
The first time at a 'normal' every day restaurant, is it a table for two ladies? Would you ladies like  a pre-dinner drink?

Going to the movies, hidden in the dark, comforted that no one can see us, the protective layer we can hide under. Then realising that is not what we need. We need the light, we need to in the open. We have as much right as anyone to be free, to live our lives. We are no threat.
Please don't let this be a dream. Please I am normal. Please I'm frightened of being frightened.

You have been living a dream; it's called a nightmare. You are now awake. Grasp the reality with joy. There is a long road, but hey you've started walking it. No one can take that from you.

Hugs Melody

Cindy

[spacial]

The self doubt demons.

Actually, I value these. They bring important decisions back to the forefront of your mind so you can think about them again.

Making decisions should always be about gathering then considering all the relevant facts. For a decision like this, most of those will be your own experiences.

I suggest, with respect, never stop thinking.

Equally, with any major decision, a major factor is our ability to deal with it. Our own mental strength. In another post in the non op section I respondd to a request for reasons not to change. I posted a list that I compiled when I was in my 20s. I knew then as I know now, that it was more a reflection of my then mental state than any common sense.

Not changing was, possibly the greatest mistake of my life. I have missed out on so many opportunities and so much of life. I'm not going to fall into the trap (pit), of looking back. I can't change the past and won't try.

If I'm honest with  myself, many of the points on that list would have been irrelevant anyway. But I did give up the opportnity then.

That's just me of course. Good luck in your own mental deliberations.

[Kaelleria]

The world is built on the what-if. They change, they stay the same, but they are everywhere. The fact that you consider them means you have some grasp on reality. To not consider them would not only be doing yourself a disservice but also probably mean you aren't mentally stable (so says several therapists!).

From personal experience I know I sat in bed at night nearly every night for about 3 years debating internally on making the change. That led to some pretty wierd dreams let me tell you. In the end I decided transition was the right choice and have been happy ever since. Looking back, I can't really hypothesize where I would have been had I not made the transition, because once again the world is built on the what-if.