I clicked send

[My Name Is Ellie]

I didn't want to leave anybody as "the first" or "the last" to know... yesterday I wrote an e-mail to my three favourite people in the world: my mom, my dad, and my sister. They all live in the same house and hell, I'm there three days a week, but we never seem to be in the same room any more. With me fumbling to start a conversation I thought it would be better for me to write a letter, as then I could clearly get my points across and just try and explain what's going on.

Yesterday I had some really bad thoughts. I cleaned my room, subconsciously, later thinking "now that my room's tidy it won't be a mess when they come to try and find me". I started to think how I might do it. I am not a suicidal person. But from then I went severely down. Missed some lectures. Went straight home and just sat, shaking, for a while.

I attribute my depression to the fact I have been keeping this in for so long. Indeed it gets worse if I am in a situation where I could come out, or in a situation that might stop me being able to in the future (such as the prospect of getting a job).

Well, it finally struck me that if I didn't say what was going on I would do something bad in the future. I could never live with myself if that ha... bad joke. But it helps point out to me the flaw in that plan. Suicide isn't a way out of a problem, it's just another problem and then | diddly squat at the end.I wouldn't be happy, I'd just be gone.

So I wrote a five page long letter in MS Word, at 11pm last night I finished it and attached it to an e-mail. I then sat staring blankly at the screen, shaking and sweating, until 4:38am when I clicked the send button.

Didn't sleep, woke up at 7 wide awake and just remembered doing something silly. I'm now waiting to see what the repurcussions of that silly thing are.

I'm at University, studying away from home, but I got all my lecture notes downloaded and got the software I need to study at home for the rest of the week if they want me at home. I said I didn't really want to talk it over the phone as it's a big issue, and to just text me saying "come home". Now waiting.

Can't help but feel I was impersonal and formal in the letter. That's just my style unfortunately. I hope they know that. I found myself apologising so much at the end that I had to apologise for being so paranoid about apologising.

I'll keep you posted.

Regretting the decision now but I know that's silly. I don't know the outcome yet.

Peace~

[lilacwoman]

Confessing to being TS is perhaps the worst thing we can do. 
Main thing is you have killed your old self but now started your new life.  Not many other people have to do this.
Most of us TS on Susan's have been there and done that and and are still alive so when this shock to your system wears off and you have had their reactions things will look better.
Fast walk or other exercise to settle your system.

Just remembered that I told one young therapist graduate psychiatrist just how much of an ordeal it is to confessing ourselves but she could not grasp it at all and seemed to think we could just call everyone together and say 'I'm changing sex.'

[My Name Is Ellie]

My parents just phoned. They said there's nothing I could ever do to make them feel disappointed and that they're behind me all the way.

They're driving up to take me home for the week. (Oddly my only thought to that was "oh.. that'll save £10.95"...  )

Um... Wow. Seems like an anti-climax now. I've waited nineteen years of pain and anguish for it to not be a problem.

...oh. 

[lilacwoman]

Nice response from lovely parents.
Fem up a bit for when they arrive so they can see you are changing.

[Cindy]

.

Just remembered that I told one young therapist graduate psychiatrist just how much of an ordeal it is to confessing ourselves but she could not grasp it at all and seemed to think we could just call everyone together and say 'I'm changing sex.'

lilacwomen, She wasn't working for Monty Python?

Ellie,
Well done honey. OK there will be talks and discussions, no doubt fear and regrets. But lets take a look at why you have done this. You love your family, you respect yourself. You are a very normal intelligent young woman with the wrong bits tacked on. You are being honest with yourself and those you love. You have the realisation that the future in a male form is not going to work. You have a life in front of you. My dear I hope it goes well.
Remember it will be a shock to them and initial comments may not be productive and may be hurtful. You have known you are TG for ever, they have just found out. Takes time for non TG people to get their heads around it.

Keep us posted and take care

Cindy

[Cindy]

Nice response from lovely parents.
Fem up a bit for when they arrive so they can see you are changing.

Totally agree with all the comment. Fem up but (please no one take offence) don't look or act Gay. Be female.

Cindy

[Muffin]

Congrats and good luck with the talking and stuff... sooooooo scary when the wall comes down and it's all out in the open. I was in a daze the whole time so it seemed like a trip....but fun and comforting! ^____^
Life is so much better... I spoke to my mum for almost two hours on the phone last night... I never used to do things like that before... it's so different and feels ...right 😛

[Cindy]

Congrats and good luck with the talking and stuff... sooooooo scary when the wall comes down and it's all out in the open. I was in a daze the whole time so it seemed like a trip....but fun and comforting! ^____^
Life is so much better... I spoke to my mum for almost two hours on the phone last night... I never used to do things like that before... it's so different and feels ...right

Ah so happy for you Muffin. I miss my Mum so much. She was the one who couldn't accept me. My Dad was OK but Mum was (WHAT YOU SICK ***), I miss her. I always wanted her love.

Sorry
Brought up memories

[marleen]

Ellie, you did absolutely great! And I'm so happy you got a good response from your parents.
Has your sister responded yet?

[Janet_Girl]

That is Awesome Ellie.  When we have the parents support we seem to be able to do anything.

[Debra]

Wow congrats!!! I'm so happy for you! *HUGS*

[My Name Is Ellie]

All three have said I have their full support.

They said when they got the letter their first thought was that it was a suicide note. As they read more they thought I was going to say I was gay, to which they'd have replied "well duh!".

We had a pretty long conversation about it, and about the entire concept of gender, and about discrimination and not worrying about other peoples feelings. I am immensely proud of my parents and I think it's unleashed a side of them which makes me happy to be their child.

My sister took it badly at first but she has some issues with depression since my nan died. She's gradually getting more understanding though. She says she's there any time I need her and that she has friends who I can hang with any time I need someone else.

However,

My Dad is worried that I might be making the wrong choices - and I agree with him - that I might be just leaving one closet to enter another one, not understanding the situation I am in and going with one of society's two silly options (male or female).

He is completely behind me though. He just wants me to be sure.

I am seeing the nurse tomorrow to get a referral to a gender therapist. I assume (and hope) she will be able to do that; she's a district nurse. My doctor isn't as nice, that's the only real reason why. Well, it was my mom that decided that, and I'm happy to go with that because she seems to think the nurse is more understanding.

I don't know what is going to happen about University. I am stuck sixty miles and three hours away and living alone, with no friends, no contacts, and nobody. I know there is an LGBT society in Leicester but I am too scared to walk through the front door in case somebody sees me walk in (it's actually on my block). There are some nasty people about.

Maybe transfering closer to home is an option. I don't know. Maybe I should take a year out... Okay I know that's silly and would be a heavy waste with a risk of not returning afterwards. But I could return as -- whatever I turn out to be.

I'm barred from responding to any question with "I dunno" because for a whole hour that's all I could say.

It was pretty funny actually. My sister and I had a conversation befitting a comedy sketch. She said "I don't know what to say" to which I opened my mouth, closed my mouth, laughed, she laughed, she opened her mouth, I laughed, I went to say nothing, laughed, we both laughed...  😘

[Cindy]

I dunnho what to say

Congrats Darling
Live well

Cindy

[Octavianus]

Congratulations on coming out to your family, Ellie.
Support of parents makes everyones path a lot more easy.

I tip my hat to your parents for having such an unbiased and understanding view on your situation.

[My Name Is Ellie]

Seeing the nurse so soon was... a bit much. Too much too soon. I couldn't bring myself to go to the appointment. My parents went for me (<3) and showed her the letter and explained as much as they knew. The nurse said she had never dealt with anybody who believed this before, but had patients a couple of times who had had GRS. They said she seems understanding and nice though and didn't see it as a big deal or something that needed fixing. We're taking it slow and taking our time. While I know that doing it early has it's benefits, rushing into things will just cause unnecessary problems and I do not want GID to control my life and become my defining point.

The nurse is going to talk to the doctor, and they're going to phone around and see what the next step is. I'm a bit worried because they don't seem to know much about it themselves but I'd rather they learned rather than me seeking out the next steps myself because I'm going to have to consult with the doctor or nurse regularly, I presume.

I don't know what gender therapists are in the area but I live in the "largest metropolitan area outside of London" so it shouldn't be a problem, I hope!

My Dad re-read my letter and says he's a lot more convinced than he was the day before. I'm going to take that as a good thing.

Thanks for the support everyone and yes, I am amazed my parents have taken it so well.

My Dad said he bets it's a major anticlimax to have built up all these defences and preparations for a battle when... nothing happened! 

[Randi]

You are doing the right thing Ellie-good for you! However, don't let your fears control you and keep you from doing what you know you should-like going to see the doctor/nurse. Confront your fear then you can look back and see the fear for what it really is-nothing at all. But it will keep you at a standstill if you let it-been there and done that. Rely upon the support of your parents. It is evident they have your best interests at heart!
Randi
Cindy-you have such a beautiful way of saying things  😉

[bethw]

Hi Ellie;
It sounds like your parents are very understanding. I wish mine were like that when I was your age. maybe I'd be the woman i always thought i was by now.
Keep the lines of communication open and i think you'll be a fine young woman soon.
Hugs
'Beth

[Nicky]

Wow, good result honey!

My advise, take your time, let it sink in. There is no rush to make decisions. Also talk and talk and talk with your family. A lot of us are fluent talking about this stuff online, but when it comes to real life it can be hard. Let them know that you won't aways have the words. The better you get about talking about your feelings on this the easier it will be to communicate with your health professionals. And it will help you clarify your own thinking.

It sounds like you have a wonderful supportive family. I'm really proud of you for reaching out for help and recognising you needed support. Well done! That was the biggest step.

Nicole