Well, I've had an interesting month (as in depressing and heartbreaking)...
I came out to my sister in law last month, and we grew closer together than I ever thought (or so I thought). We confided in each other about everything, and told each other we could come to each other no matter what. She would call me or text me everyday to make sure I was ok. It was to the point where I thought of her as my true blooded sister (I still do, but...) until about last week.
See, last week I had a birthday, which we made plans to go out on, but she apparently injured herself at work that day. Later that weekend, I came over to check on her and her son blurted out that she went to a party on my birthday. Of course I felt pretty betrayed, which I told her about the following morning when she texted me to see how I was doing. This is when stuff started going downhill between us. The following week, I had been really trying to talk to her about it, but she wouldn't give me the time of day. Finally, about midweek she texted me to see how I was doing, and I told her I'd like to come over. She had a friend over, and I got the hint that she was really trying to avoid talking about it. Well, when I left she told me she was going to call me when I got off of work the following day so that hopefully we could talk, which I waited for until 6pm or so. I then called her, and she didn't answer. About 20 minutes later, I texted her on another one of her phones, saying "I don't know what phone to call you on, but I called your iphone if you care". This pretty much made her mad, and she has been avoiding me since.
Yeah, I know, immature on my part. But I hate being ignored... especially when I've always dropped whatever I was doing for her, and listened to her for hours as she badmouthed my own flesh and blood (my brother). Not to mention put food on her table while she had no job, and take her youngest to go get vacinations when she finally got a job. And babysit for her while she went out! Oh well, I guess I learned my lesson: never expect anything out of anybody, even if you've proven that you'd afford them respect and love unconditionally and they've told you they'd do the same for you.
Anyways... I learned something from all of this. I'm definately transsexual. See, I've been telling myself as long as I have her, I could be as effiminate around her as I want and build on that, but never transition. I love my nephews and niece to death, and if I transition, chances are next to none of me seeing them grow up (my brother wouldn't have it, and their mother told me she'd wouldn't want to explain it). She never referred to me as a female, and I never corrected her (although I did joke about trading genitalia with her from time to time, which she joked happily with me about). When she had company over (whom knew I was "gay" and rather effiminate), I had to still watch what I could say. Trying to talk girl talk with them got me awkward looks from time to time. Generally, I thought I was depressed because I didn't think she cared about me, but I think now I'm depressed because being "gay" doesn't get me anywhere near where I want to be in my comfort zone with people.
This is all reaffirmation that I am transsexual. I must be seen as a female, or I will continue to feel awkward with myself. This month has proved it. And what sucks so much, is I had to grow close to somebody and then be tossed aside heartlessly for me to realize it. Tomorrow I'm calling the endo, the 10th would be the 3 month mark of therapy, and my therapist sent the letter to him a month ago.
But.. knowing my luck, she will call me and I will fold into the same hope that I have family that would do anything for me ... again....
I really hate my life.. ugh
And thanks for listening.
