Well, I've had an interesting month (as in depressing and heartbreaking)...

I came out to my sister in law last month, and we grew closer together than I ever thought (or so I thought). We confided in each other about everything, and told each other we could come to each other no matter what. She would call me or text me everyday to make sure I was ok. It was to the point where I thought of her as my true blooded sister (I still do, but...) until about last week.

See, last week I had a birthday, which we made plans to go out on, but she apparently injured herself at work that day. Later that weekend, I came over to check on her and her son blurted out that she went to a party on my birthday. Of course I felt pretty betrayed, which I told her about the following morning when she texted me to see how I was doing. This is when stuff started going downhill between us. The following week, I had been really trying to talk to her about it, but she wouldn't give me the time of day. Finally, about midweek she texted me to see how I was doing, and I told her I'd like to come over. She had a friend over, and I got the hint that she was really trying to avoid talking about it. Well, when I left she told me she was going to call me when I got off of work the following day so that hopefully we could talk, which I waited for until 6pm or so. I then called her, and she didn't answer. About 20 minutes later, I texted her on another one of her phones, saying "I don't know what phone to call you on, but I called your iphone if you care". This pretty much made her mad, and she has been avoiding me since.

Yeah, I know, immature on my part. But I hate being ignored... especially when I've always dropped whatever I was doing for her, and listened to her for hours as she badmouthed my own flesh and blood (my brother). Not to mention put food on her table while she had no job, and take her youngest to go get vacinations when she finally got a job. And babysit for her while she went out! Oh well, I guess I learned my lesson: never expect anything out of anybody, even if you've proven that you'd afford them respect and love unconditionally and they've told you they'd do the same for you.

Anyways... I learned something from all of this. I'm definately transsexual. See, I've been telling myself as long as I have her, I could be as effiminate around her as I want and build on that, but never transition. I love my nephews and niece to death, and if I transition, chances are next to none of me seeing them grow up (my brother wouldn't have it, and their mother told me she'd wouldn't want to explain it). She never referred to me as a female, and I never corrected her (although I did joke about trading genitalia with her from time to time, which she joked happily with me about). When she had company over (whom knew I was "gay" and rather effiminate), I had to still watch what I could say. Trying to talk girl talk with them got me awkward looks from time to time. Generally, I thought I was depressed because I didn't think she cared about me, but I think now I'm depressed because being "gay" doesn't get me anywhere near where I want to be in my comfort zone with people.

This is all reaffirmation that I am transsexual. I must be seen as a female, or I will continue to feel awkward with myself. This month has proved it. And what sucks so much, is I had to grow close to somebody and then be tossed aside heartlessly for me to realize it. Tomorrow I'm calling the endo, the 10th would be the 3 month mark of therapy, and my therapist sent the letter to him a month ago.

But..  knowing my luck, she will call me and I will fold into the same hope that I have family that would do anything for me ... again....

I really hate my life.. ugh

And thanks for listening.

Alaina,

First of all, happy belated birthday!

I feel so badly for you.

* HUG *

When I came out to my sister it was a great feeling to have someone that you can trust to tell all your secrets, hopes, dreams and fears and you think you have a special bond.  And I can only imagine how much it hurts when that someone chooses to do something hurtful to you without an honest explanation.

You know you always have sisters who will unconditionally love and support you here. 

xoxo

Love

Jamie

Aw thanks Jamie

As my current Facebook status says:

"Getting to the peak of a mountain then falling off a cliff is worth it when you pick yourself up and realize the direction you were going was the right way to go all along."

Maybe she will see it and understand what it means. She's the one who talked me out of transitioning by saying the kids would be devistated by not having me around.

I amaze myself with my resillience and focus sometimes when I have time to sort things out..

But now I'm back in the whole "Holy crap, this journey is going to be so damn hard" outlook...

I think your anger is justified. The girl just turned her back on you during one of the most painful difficult times in your life. You need loved ones right now and they're not there- that can hurt a lot.

I think it's great though that you've used this as a positive affirmation of your gender identity. It's like my Dad with me- I know I'm trans, and he knows too, but he also knows my personality, and is really upfront about asking me if I'm just doing something because I think it's "girly." He asks me to just let it be and act from my heart, which is the best advice I can get right now.

You can do it girl. Anger and hurt have energy too, and you can swing that energy around to use it for good. Just don't give into the dark side of the force!

Alia

You are not immature.

She is.

She lacks the self confidence to make up her mind and have the courage of her convictions.

All that's happened is that  she has re-evaluated her support for you in terms of how it will reflect upon her.

Rise above it. There's a lot of pople like that in the world. They are usually difficult to spot, especially when we need an anchor point for a while.

Take the support she gave,  and let her go. It wasn't about her accepting you, it was about you accepting her as an intelegent and open minded person.

You gave her a chance, she blew it.

Thanks for your words yall.. but I don't think her problem with me is my GID or sexuality, I think it's actually about the fact that I would have some sort of audacity to think wrong of her. Of course that is immature on her part if she cannot stand to listen to criticism or concerns about her character. However, the reason it's confirmed my GID is just the general way I've felt by being around her, presenting as male, trying to act as effeminate as I am (when only around her and friends that I know could tolerate it) and still feel depressed because I don't feel accepted as female. I can understand it being hard for her to view me as a girl, especially since I present as male and have only told her about 3 or 4 weeks ago.

This sucks, the one (tangible) bit of support I had in my entire life that I didn't have to pay for cuts me off at one of my lowest points in life. Can you believe there was a window where if she would've talked to me, I would've actually apologized to her (sincerely) in hopes things would go back to the way they were?

Just like I thought. She cut her kids phones off and asked me to check on them. Of course I can't say no, I love them to death. When she gets home, she acts like nothing is wrong and is all cheery. I'm so psychologically drained. I want support, but I can't smile and act like everything is OK. I also love these kids to death and can't walk out on them. As I speak, I'm babysitting them as she runs errands. They're old enough to take care of themselves as the oldest is 15, but I just can't walk out.

I don't know what to do. I'm really at the end of the rope with everything in my life. I'd talk to my therapist, but my money is super tight right now.

EDIT: I just pulled up at my house. The second I put my car in park I cried. I'm just.. done.. with everything.