Mother needing advise (long)

[Bob]

Melissa, I dunno if you can remember back to the 1950's or not, I kind'a doubt it because I think it was before your time... but to understand people My age it helps to remember what the mantality of their entire lives were... Most of the people my age got their Mantality locked in at about the 1070' of even the 1960's
but , alot of us have regressed to the mantality of the 1950's for reasons unknown, but i think it has to do with parents or your grand parents... that was when the grand parents had their mantality LOCK set in....
I call it a Mantality LOCK because that is what it acts like, the personality
is of that era, that was popular at the time.
it is the 1950's that still plegs us as a very strong curtural influance the thinking as they did... watch the old movies and whats right in those days would be considered very harsh now days.  this is where your parents are comeing from
what did you do when you ran into a queer back then ? you By Nesisity had to jeer him, berate him, make fun of him or you were a queer-lover and branded that ... and it stuck ! nobody looked at you the same way unless you did what the others did.... Out of this type of thinking comes with only a few deckades
inbetween comes their son saying he is actually a She , well man we can't have that !  its not so much as understanding the problem, they don't even want to know the problem because your branded as an outcast in that socioty...
Even though that socioty doesn't exhist today( thank GOD) it does for some people ! ....
   Also in that time it was NORMAL for Dad to kick the son out of the house about the late teens... that was expected everyone did it , that was how you raised your boy... they gott'alearn somehow I'm helping by kicking their butt out so they have to fend for theirselves and learn to appreaciate what they have !   I'ed almost bet money that your Dad had that happen to him if not it was at the very least extreamily touch and go for the last 2 or 3 years at home with the folks.... that kind of emotional stress impresses a person for a long time, and LOCKS in the mantality of the time as well
  What can you do ? wait it out... is about all you can do... Never conferm
your parents suspissions that your a fruitcake and looney in the head !  and never let them think your sexual preferences are not normal for YOU...being a girl you SHOULD like GUYS.... there is no 2 way street with their thinking just that alone is enough to excomunicate you for... if your truly a girl then you will be one through and through not half and half.... half and half is a goof up...and there is no provisions in their socioty for it !  they show that by their not wanting to have anything to do with you.... they are being proper people of their TIME... that is what you did back then... they live in the past
they think in the past, they are the imbodyment of the past age.
and believe me you are not going to get through to them untill you can bring them into the future... how you are going to do that I have No idea !
everything in that time was simple black and white, no grey aireas  if they found a grey airea they blundered through it with bravado because that was what you were supposed to do ! but you didn't think in grey you explained it with black and white....
in time Perhaps Your parents will come around but don't wait up for it to happen, as it might be a while,  the best thing you can do is be a Success at what ever you do... because that is what was so important in their time.
if your parents can look at you and say yah well she's happier now than I ever seen her, that will mean more to them than anything !  it will be like well "maybe she was right then"   go see them while your crying and miserable and its going to be like " See I told ya Your bringing it all on yourself!"
....
its LOCKED minds your fighting, and there is nothing harder in the world to penitrate than that ! its armor that is bullet proof, and unflexable and it has served them well all these years, they would be foolish to throw it away now !
...
show No weakness to them Kiddo, be strong ..stand tall ! don't let'em ware ya down <GRIN>
Haing in there, its a tough fight but one you can win in the end !
....
FWIW
Bob.......

[Melissa]

Thank you Bob, you may very well be right about them.  By the way, it seems I get more flak from my mom than my dad.

Melissa

[seldom]

I had some very similar experiences to your son growing up.  The fact is though I was not caught until I was 17, and it was exactly at the wrong moment (my brother was psychotic and bipolar, and he is the one who caught me.  Basically I was caught when he was very queer phobic and extremely violent (luckily he is neither one anymore).  I was basically forced into a closet out of fear for my own life at the time.)  I basically have put off the entire issue regarding my gender identity issues until recently because I feared how my family would react.

The thing is with therapy, is it is something that has to be ones on owns initiative, being forced into therapy is never a good idea for a teenager  (unless they are a danger to themselves or others).  The real truth never really comes out and issues are only suspected, unless one is ready to tell the truth.  Just tell your son, that when they are ready that you  will help find them a therapist to discuss these issues without fear of anybody in the family finding out (I know this sounds absurd, but trust me privacy is very important at this point).   

The one thing you have to not fear is being an enabler.  Please just be supportive.  This is not a phase, it lasts for ones entire life, and no matter how much one feels it will go away it doesn't. 

This is not the equivalent of giving your child alcohol.  Do not worry about being an enabler.  The truth is for many of us, the shame and fear of being a gender variant is directly related to ones family and how they would handle it or did handle it.  Some of us have violent experiences, some of us have experiences which were more shameful or scary, when we did get discovered, and some of never were discovered, but could only imagine what would happen.  The truth is this needs to be handled delicately.  Make sure you never out your son, and that you approach things in a calm and supportive way.  The best thing to say is "I will support you". 

[serenity]

My mom caught me with pads and my dad caught me with my mom's bra. When they realize (part of it) what was going on they took me aside to have the 'Talk'. They embarassed me and made me feel perverted.   

So I think you are doing right. Understanding is hard but acceptance is even harder. You seem to care about your son futur and you don't repress is feeling. I think you already made a big step, I would say the bigger one by accepting it. A great step for you and your son will always be thankfull for that. Maybe your son and/or yourself need therapy but I would'nt know about that, i am not a specialist 

I just wanted to say, I think you are being a great mom right now and I wish you keep this communicative attitude.    

Bye and good luck

[dtsalkire]

First I want to thank all you great people for helping me in handling my situation. 

I started out just trying to make conversation about it and he would just get quite than I would just drop it because I didnt want to push.  His father caught him breaking into hhis neighbors house and he stole womans undies.  I explained to his father that if he would allow Brandon to have some womans items in the house than he would not be stealing from people. (his father does not understand but he lives there) I spoke to Brandon and explained that it is ok to wear womens clothes but he needs to limit it to private times at his home.  I tryed to explain the embarrisment he would get from his peers if they found out and if he were to wear them to school.  He just turned 15 and kids can be so cruel.

I told him I would buy things that will fit him if he wanted because he is 205lbs at 5'9" and trying to squeeze into my size 3's LOL  He claims they are not too small but I am sure they are.  I asked him what he likes as far as silky or lace and he did say he like a certain skirt that was in his things that somehow got put away and I cant find them. I think they are in my garage and will look for them because I feel he needs his own things right now.

So it looks like he is opening up to me a little. I hope he continues because I feel he needs someone to talk to about it.  He made a comment one day that he could not tell anyone his fears and I explained to him that I do understand and he needs to be able to talk to someone so he knows that his feelings are normal and that I would never condem him and would be there for him.  I am not sure if he meant talking about crossdressing or other teen fears because at the time his father was dealing with his girlfriend leaving him.

[GQjoey]

You remind me so much of my mom it's crazy. Except reversed, as I was born female, and from 4 or 5 years of age refused to wear anything girly. Thing is, it's "acceptable" for little "girls" to be tomboys. Society doesn't look at that as not normal, so why should it be any different for boys? By age 8-9 my mom gave up trying to get me to wear anything girly, and started letting me pick out my own clothes for school. She was accepting, without even knowing at that time I would grow up to be a man, and not her little tomboy daughter.

It brought tears to me eyes reading your story,  because so rarely do parents accept their children like you and my mother. Your child is very lucky, and he will one day thank you.

Have you considered getting your child into therapy? Having your support is great, but talking to a professional that specializes in this field could help him a LOT. This isn't something that is going to go away, and the sooner he gets help, the better off he will be. I think you should also talk to your ex-husband, he may not realize it now, but the more he DOESN'T accept your son, the more likely it is your son will resent him once he's older. He needs all the support he can get right now.

[dtsalkire]

Thanks Joey I sure hope that I can be there for him thru this and from what I have learned you are very lucky that your mom is accepting of it. I am learning more and more that most parents are not.  I cant understand why they wouldnt be.  These are OUR children, young adults and adults here they are a part of us and we as parents need to be there to support them.........I hope that somehow this post is read by those parents that do not support their children and helps them to be more understanding.

I in my heart know its not a phase.  I can remember back when he was like 4 or 5 years old. We were in a bathing suit shop and he was begging for a girls bathing suit.  He wouldnt let up.  I ended up buying him a speedo (boys)(my mother in law was with us) he never wore it and then I found the neighbors girls suit that he stole under my bed.  He used to play dress up with my clothes all the time and even at that age knew it was wrong because his sister would tease him.  He would go in my room and lock the door to play but when I told him I needed to come in he would let me in because it was ok with me.  At that time I just felt he wanted to play dress up and nothing was wrong with him wearing dresses, hose and heals.  He was a child. 
But once he hit puberty he started wanting to crossdress again and at that point I found this board and I am greatfull for all of you here that have given me your opinions because I DO truley want to support him no matter what. 

I do want to get him into therapy (he goes for ADHD now) but I do not feel he is ready yet.  He is not going to open up to a therapist right now.  I just got him to start talking to me about it.  Also he lives with Dad and his dad would NEVER bring it up to his therapist because he CANT accept it at this point.  And yes my son will resent his father later on in life but that is something that his father will have to handle.  I had told his father to let me get him his own girls clothes that he can keep in his bedroom so he will stop stealing them.  His fiance said that he had a fit over me saying that but sooner or later he has to accept it.

[togetherwecan]

Thanks Joey I sure hope that I can be there for him thru this and from what I have learned you are very lucky that your mom is accepting of it. I am learning more and more that most parents are not.  I cant understand why they wouldnt be.  These are OUR children, young adults and adults here they are a part of us and we as parents need to be there to support them.........I hope that somehow this post is read by those parents that do not support their children and helps them to be more understanding.

I in my heart know its not a phase.  I can remember back when he was like 4 or 5 years old. We were in a bathing suit shop and he was begging for a girls bathing suit.  He wouldnt let up.  I ended up buying him a speedo (boys)(my mother in law was with us) he never wore it and then I found the neighbors girls suit that he stole under my bed.  He used to play dress up with my clothes all the time and even at that age knew it was wrong because his sister would tease him.  He would go in my room and lock the door to play but when I told him I needed to come in he would let me in because it was ok with me.  At that time I just felt he wanted to play dress up and nothing was wrong with him wearing dresses, hose and heals.  He was a child. 
But once he hit puberty he started wanting to crossdress again and at that point I found this board and I am greatfull for all of you here that have given me your opinions because I DO truley want to support him no matter what. 

Bravo! I applaud you and pray other parents read your post. *tight hugs* from one Mommy to another.

[Bob]

Yes Indeed !
it truly is a shame that more parents cannot love their child if the child has a "Certain PROBLEM"  they can love them through other things, what makes certain things off limits?
is it Their own fears,  to talk about that "SEX" thing?  My God man ! Your child is YOUR child till the day they die... and Preversions, drug use, Murder or other bad things do not change that !   having "Conditional" Love for your child is a Shame on you and your Child!
... you think Oh no this is TOUGH LOVE ! BULL...  its far Tougher to love them inspite of their actions ...
give your child the unconditional Love they deserve !
give them Conditional love and you will recieve Conditional Love back in return.
My self I want Unconditional love from my Child...
I think you do too, but you won't get it unless you Give it !
...
my 2 coppers!
Bob.......

[seldom]

Thanks Joey I sure hope that I can be there for him thru this and from what I have learned you are very lucky that your mom is accepting of it. I am learning more and more that most parents are not.  I cant understand why they wouldnt be.  These are OUR children, young adults and adults here they are a part of us and we as parents need to be there to support them.........I hope that somehow this post is read by those parents that do not support their children and helps them to be more understanding.

I in my heart know its not a phase.  I can remember back when he was like 4 or 5 years old. We were in a bathing suit shop and he was begging for a girls bathing suit.  He wouldnt let up.  I ended up buying him a speedo (boys)(my mother in law was with us) he never wore it and then I found the neighbors girls suit that he stole under my bed.  He used to play dress up with my clothes all the time and even at that age knew it was wrong because his sister would tease him.  He would go in my room and lock the door to play but when I told him I needed to come in he would let me in because it was ok with me.  At that time I just felt he wanted to play dress up and nothing was wrong with him wearing dresses, hose and heals.  He was a child. 
But once he hit puberty he started wanting to crossdress again and at that point I found this board and I am greatfull for all of you here that have given me your opinions because I DO truley want to support him no matter what. 

I do want to get him into therapy (he goes for ADHD now) but I do not feel he is ready yet.  He is not going to open up to a therapist right now.  I just got him to start talking to me about it.  Also he lives with Dad and his dad would NEVER bring it up to his therapist because he CANT accept it at this point.  And yes my son will resent his father later on in life but that is something that his father will have to handle.  I had told his father to let me get him his own girls clothes that he can keep in his bedroom so he will stop stealing them.  His fiance said that he had a fit over me saying that but sooner or later he has to accept it.

The truth is there is a high likelyhood that he is more likely to open up to a therapist if he is willing to see one and the therapist provides a safe and understanding environment.  As strange as that sounds, it usually is the case with people with gender identity issues.  The thing is he has to be willing and ready to see one.  It took me years, nearly a decade since I realized I might be transsexual, (I am 28 now) to get to the point where I was completely open to going to therapy, there was a level of fear with me. That fear largely had to deal with family acceptance and what might happen.
The truth is the sooner these issues are worked out, the better your child will be going into adulthood.   Alot of the baggage of gender identity issues comes from not taking care of things earlier in life and alot of denial and shame. 

[Allison K]

I do want to get him into therapy (he goes for ADHD now) but I do not feel he is ready yet.  He is not going to open up to a therapist right now.  I just got him to start talking to me about it.  Also he lives with Dad and his dad would NEVER bring it up to his therapist because he CANT accept it at this point.  And yes my son will resent his father later on in life but that is something that his father will have to handle.  I had told his father to let me get him his own girls clothes that he can keep in his bedroom so he will stop stealing them.  His fiance said that he had a fit over me saying that but sooner or later he has to accept it.

Actually, a therapist could be just what he needs!

When my mother and stepdad found out that I crossdressed (age 16), they completely freaked out, and sent me to a therapist, presumably to "cure" me of my "problem". (My stepdad had decided to rifle through my room, and found my skirt, blouse, nail polish, and tights...my only feminine things at the time, he pronounced me a "freak and a pervert" and proceeded to yell at me for hours until I was in tears, blaming me for he and my mother's marital problems, saying I was "sick" and a "loser"). They threw away my girl's clothes and said I couldn't close the door to my room anymore since they wanted to know I wasn't doing "sick" stuff.

The therapist met with me for several months and said there was nothing wrong with me. My stepdad in particular was verbally abusive to me at the time, and I let the therapist know about it...he then wanted the whole family to meet for therapy!! At that point, my mom and step-dad considered me "cured" and pulled me out of therapy...convenient for them.

I will say it was immensely helpful to be able to have a frank discussion about my gender issues with ANYONE, even if it was a stranger. (Maybe because it was a stranger).