Dear Mom,
The first thing I want to say is, here at Susan's, we use gender appropriate references depending on how an individual prefers to present themselves. Your child wants to present as female so I will give her that courtesy. Please don't be troubled by this. It's just a courtesy to her. That being said...
Probably one of the first things you need to address is your feelings about your daughter's situation. Look deep down inside yourself and ask yourself how you truly feel about this. Your child needs to feel unconditional acceptance in order for her to emerge from this with a reasonable amount of self esteem. Parents play a huge role in achieving that.
Your initial reaction of "are you gay" is common but there is no correlation between gender identity and sexual orientation. I myself am a lesbian transsexual, something not uncommon. So rather than thinking crossdressing means she's gay just look only at the crossdressing alone and what it means.
There are several categories within the transgender spectrum. Crossdressing at a young age does not mean your child wants to be female. There are many who crossdress and have no desire for any physical changes. They like the body they are born with. On the other end is the transsexual who wants physical change and wants to live full time in the gender opposite the one they were born. If you want to understand your child best, you need to find out where she feels she is. But please know, whatever she tells you will be all she knows at this point in time. Don't hold her to that forever. As she grows and matures and rids herself of denial, all that could change. I know, I lived over 50 years successfully as a male and I did so through deep denial.
You need to see your child as your child, nothing more. Look in her heart and not at what she's wearing. Our society preaches don't judge a book by it's cover but teaches just the opposite. So don't be worried if your initial reaction is to see a boy in a dress. You know who she is inside and inside she's beautiful. But right now she's lost and confused. Her whole world is in conflict and she's in crisis. She needs a stable, rock solid foundation to support her. You, her dad, his wife, your boyfriend all need to be that support. If you gather together with your child's well being as the sole focus, you will see her emerge from this a complete and happy person. That will be your reward. I have three kids that I raised to adulthood. I'm a parent too. I know what unconditional love is.
You may at first get some resistance from her. That's normal. She has been living in a world that doesn't understand her and if school mates found out would become a living hell. It's easy to understand her fears. So she will be at first afraid to completely open up to anyone.
Don't take any of the things she's "borrowed" from her without discussing it with her first. She will most likely see that as you trying to stop her from fulfilling her needs. Yes, she took things that aren't hers but under the circumstances she felt that was her only option. She needs to return them but she needs to know it's not because it's wrong for her to possess those things, it's just wrong to take things without asking. When you ask her to return those things also ask her if she would like to have things of her own. If she's comfortable with it, maybe the two of you can go shopping. Of course the other three members of the team have to be aware of this. Since she lives with her dad, he absolutely has to be okay with this or you'll be adding to your child's misery. If you can all get together and support her like this you'll be on the road to turning the hellish life she has lived so far into something beautiful.
Society today is far more accepting of transgender issues than it has ever been but that doesn't mean any of us can be totally open with who we are. So there are cautions your daughter needs to be given. For now, she will have to accept she needs to live as a boy at school. Depending on the attitude in your community, at school, etc, you may be able to help her come out... if that's what she wants. But for now let her know it's okay to dress at home or to go out when with an adult but she has to be very careful outside of that.
I'm assuming therapy will be a given. The reason for this is not to "cure" her. It's to allow her to accept the world around her, to help her gain the courage to be herself, and to help her decide which is the right path for her. Pretty typical therapy for almost any situation. Your child is not nuts! But society may be by expecting everyone to be happy with the path they were given at birth when the doctor looks between your legs and exclaims, "It's a ____!" We shouldn't be judged by our genitals but society does it all the time.
If in therapy your child decides she wants to live life as a female, you and the rest of the support team need to consider medical intervention. If she is transsexual then she will follow this path no matter what age she is allowed to begin. You can't stop it. The earlier medical intervention is started, the less pain and suffering she'll have to endure later, not to mention the cost! This should be discussed with the therapist, her and the rest of her support team.
What I've said here may be a bit much to swallow at once. But one thing to remember is no matter how she looks, your child is still the same person you've always known. When you take away her pain by allowing her to be herself, you open up the doors for you to see all the beauty that lies inside. The whole her will emerge and grow. And when you see that familiar face glowing with happiness, you'll know you made the right choice.
You are a strong person and your child is lucky to have such a mother. I wish you all the best on your journey. Please stay in touch.
Julie
