MTF Transitioning in your thirties (30's)?

[KristinaM]

Wow, OK, so I just read this entire thread today.  Kinda like a rollercoaster ride with all the topic focus shifting, but back to the original focus of the thread, here's my story of why I'm in my 30's and just now considering transition.

I would like to start off by saying though that the last time I remember having true gender dysphoria issues was back in my early 20's.  About that time was when I met my wife.  We had personalities that clicked so well together, a similar sense of humor and taste in music (at the time) and religious views that meshed.  We were young, she was in college still, and we didn't know where things were going until they did.  Footnote: I've been able to lean on certain "feminine things" like thong underwear to subconsciously tide me over over the years (that actually started in my early teens, sheesh!).  Fast forward about 10-12 years and now I'm 33. 

Over that next decade I worked on improving my life quite a bit in the traditional sense.  I got some education and certifications, became financially independent, developed my career, we got married of course, went from renting a house to owning one, I'm on my 4th car now I think, lol.  We have 3 cats, our first baby on the way, and a yard!

Suffice it to say, I've had a lot on my mind over the last decade, and these feelings of wanting to be a woman got buried under all of it.  Now that things are stabilizing (aside from the baby on the way thing), it's resurfaced, and hard...  I wasn't poised in life during my 20's to consider all the implications and act on them.  I'd never even heard of GID or even transexuals probably for that matter...  (I lived a sheltered little Christian life all through high school, and I'm glad I don't have that anymore!)  Trying to develop the "ideal" life, marriage, family, job and so on, kept me from digging into all of it and trying to identify what I was doing.  I was made to feel ashamed by my thoughts and actions whenever someone would discover me "playing" around as a woman.  The only way I could have considered transition before now considering the path I was on, was if I'd never met my wife, and I would never wish for that.

So, the brutal reality is setting in on me finally and I've dropped the T-bomb on my wife already.  Ready to start identifying the truth behind it all, and hopefully starting some low-dose E to see if it helps calm my brain down.

[iKate]

If hormones make me feel emotionally bad and wreak havoc on my metabolism without changing my appearance much do you think it's an option to transition relying only on surgery without hormones or would I probably need the hormones to avoid my face from masculinizing if I had t again? My endo recommends against ditching the hormones because she says they did soften my skin and that it would regress if I stop hormones.

You need some sex hormones to regulate bone density and other stuff. The only gland that would produce it post SRS is the pituitary gland and it won't produce enough.

[Kellam]

I know folks tend to get down about physical changes and being way past our teens makes changes seem like impossibilities. But...I just finnished my first month of low dose hrt at 36 and I feel great and hopefull. Part of that is that my doc just doubled my doseages! The rest is that even though I expected nothing but possible mental changes stuff started happening within days. The second day my bald patches on my head startred tingling and regrowth had begun. It hasn't stopped yet. My scent changed next. Then my skin started to soften. As did my beard and chest hair. I also started to bud and the girls seem to be plowing ahead. The beard hair slowed way down and the chest hair has started going blond. My voice has softened a bit too. I think too that there has been some change in either fat on my face and or musculature. I think that because I was gendered corectly a few times. I got ma'amed by a store clerk and oggled in the street. I have gone into this process expecting very little and trying to discount anything that I think has changed but what has happened is undeniable. I just hope progress takes an uptick with my doseages and this spring ends with me as a new woman looking forward to bigger things as the summer progresses!

[awilliams1701]

I still don't notice a difference in skin. However I should soon since I just had laser yesterday. Some of it has fallen out, but there is a lot that hasn't.

[Ruth Ruthless]

You need some sex hormones to regulate bone density and other stuff. The only gland that would produce it post SRS is the pituitary gland and it won't produce enough.

What if I just do ffs and ts?

Kellam, I wish you good luck and much progress. Hope it continues. For me I had breast growth in first two months. The rest of these last 17 months have only seen perhaps some skin softening as far as I can tell. I'm very happy for anyone who gets the results they want and I hope surgery will do for me what the hormones haven't.

The laser treatment helped with my hair and most of my face is clear but the center of the beard above and below the lips and on the chin is still prominent.  Also done for 17 months.

[KayXo]

You need some sex hormones to regulate bone density and other stuff. The only gland that would produce it post SRS is the pituitary gland and it won't produce enough.

Not pituitary gland but adrenal glands.

[katiej]

So, the brutal reality is setting in on me finally and I've dropped the T-bomb on my wife already.  Ready to start identifying the truth behind it all, and hopefully starting some low-dose E to see if it helps calm my brain down.

How did it go with your wife? 

The low dose has really helped me.  The mental haze and depression were gone within one day...it was amazing!  I've been on a low dose for 4 months now, and I've been slowly working towards transition.  The constant temptation is to say screw it and just go full on.  But I'd rather take a slow, methodical approach and be able to transition well.  After all, I've got a wife and kids to support.  But either way, just that little bit of E has made such a difference for me.

[jm77]

Wow, thank you all so much , Cynthia Michelle, Emily, Antonia, Mariah, awilliams.   Not sure what I was expecting but felt so many positive, understanding things after reading your comments and links.  I guess this is my therapy at the moment....lol.   Welcome to my coming out I guess.  Crazy, I was %100 sure I would take this to the grave, but I didn't and did the right thing by telling my Fiance, although I still partially wish I would have kept this to myself.  But now the roller coaster is moving and she and I are both on it.  Eihhh!    In my heart I feel like Every thing will be ok.   It will.  I has to.     I did check out a lot of that material and it was incredibly helpful. It was Eerie how descriptive that Paper; The Gender Variant Phenomenon--A Developmental Review By Anne Vitale Ph.D.
is compared to how I've seen my own life timeline.  Great great paper!  Not quite everything was mirror to my experience but a lot was and maybe as I understand things better learning about this more, some of those other things will make more sense as was mentioned to me. And whats up with the part about mtf's in their 30s mentioned as typically successful in some kind of realm in education or corporate settings??  Not sure how that translates exactly, but on that note I have often wondered if my mentality allowed my strengths in both masculine and femmine to come out and allowed me to perform some aspects of my work better than a cis gendered person might?   Hmmmm I don't know? The paper also used the term Cloistered which gives credible acknowledgement to the anxiety I feel and how I channeled and hid everything.  It amazes me how I pushed that out of my head and was removed from it even though it was making a bigger a bigger footprint in my life.  Its obviously hard for everyone facing any of these life issues whether they are male or female at any age, but I can see this from the 3rd person point of view a lot better reading these and can better appreciate why this is so intense in my and others own heads considering everything involved/at-stake for some.  One thing that I had wondered to myself and was confirmed on the paper was the idea that regardless of body changes, MENTALLY one can feel at self thus elevating much of the anxiety and other aspects.   That's huge!  I have wondered about the mental changes more than the body changes and feel like addressing that in itself, will significantly help.     Don't get me wrong I'm fascinated by the thought of myself doing HRT and all the stages.......exciting considering ME actually doing that......wow the whole HRT feminizing process is quite something indeed, but mentally is where I am hoping more for positive effects.    As suggested I have already planned to seek therapy including my girlfriend and I doing the counseling together and sometimes alone as she has been incredibly supportive thru this..........at least so far.   I have read enough that it is clear, that it is quite difficult to make relationships work under these kinds of circumstances.  So many stories say that.   I hope that's not our future.   So tough for her too, I mean heck, I have a choice at least, she doesn't..................     SO.......So it doesn't lessen HUH?, it just intensifies as one ages?............and intensifies more and more with increased masculine engagement?    GREAT! Lol, I'm really going to have to face this.  Universe laughing at me moment as I read that because I'm planning on getting ready to do a 20 yr. high school reunion this summer with the typical thoughts of working out like crazy, looking good and being the person I.......think???  I wanted to be coming back to a reunion in my head at least with a job, and healthy looking, and a good spouse, and living in a great area vs there.   I had also envisioned this as a way to make sure I Experience how good it is to be a guy on top of his game, especially physically to really enjoy those things with the intent of figuring out if I'm not happy with my body as average, or if I need to be really fit and buff.  I've done it before and very well and can accomplish it again getting off my duff..........wait!   Eihhhhh....my words seem delusional reading them back to myself.....oh boy...if I already got buff before, then why am I still here at this point of my life?  ...well........well........ I guess I have a lot to figure out.  I will abide by all the website rules for sure, I don't intend or understand being mean in a place that is meant to be supportive.   One thing though; I'm not sure my life drama shared like this is in the right place here? Maybe this is the perfect place for it?   I mean, I'm going to see a therapist but not there yet and this forum has been on my mind all day, I just want to make sure this isn't to heavy of stuff I'm communicating and if I need to dial it down at all or at any points.  Not suicidal or anything like that, but very stressed and feel like I'm in alternate universe but also very exited to see what might be possible.   These 2 posts have allowed me to vent, REALLY VENT when I have felt anxiety like no other time in my life.   Not even close at all, especially these last couple days.   I have so much respect for what so many have gone thru reading some of these posts.  Amazing courage, courage largely unseen, and courage mis-understood.   Excuse the pun.      This place has been extremely helpful during a tough time.   

[KristinaM]

How did it go with your wife? 

The low dose has really helped me.  The mental haze and depression were gone within one day...it was amazing!  I've been on a low dose for 4 months now, and I've been slowly working towards transition.  The constant temptation is to say screw it and just go full on.  But I'd rather take a slow, methodical approach and be able to transition well.  After all, I've got a wife and kids to support.  But either way, just that little bit of E has made such a difference for me.

Well, she's been all over the place emotionally, gotten on antidepressants and started seeing a therapist yesterday!  Not exactly all kittens and roses, but we're seeing where it takes us.

The worst part is that she's basically demanding of me to "do nothing" until the baby is born.  That'll be another 5+ months though.  So I'm going to start with a therapist of my own in a week, I've joined some local support groups, and this forum has been a godsend for my sanity.

The wife is basically saying to me though that I need to figure this all out now, not bury it for another 10 years from now to pop up and screw things up even more. So I guess it's good that I've got the green light to explore at least.

Hell, I've been thinking the past day or two that I might just be highly gender fluid.  I really really really liked going out in femme on Monday night, but I also enjoyed being able to trudge around at work like a lumbering bear yesterday, lol.

[antonia]

I kinda wonder what would  happen if I ever go to a reunion now, I might have to call a couple of ambulances in advance and make sure they have defibrillators.

On that note I think it would be sad if I had become the person I wanted to be at that age, as I have gone through life my goals and expectations have changed and I think in the end if you are happy with yourself and your life that's probably the biggest thing to bring back.

Universe laughing at me moment as I read that because I'm planning on getting ready to do a 20 yr. high school reunion this summer with the typical thoughts of working out like crazy, looking good and being the person I.......think???  I wanted to be coming back to a reunion in my head at least with a job, and healthy looking, and a good spouse, and living in a great area vs there.   I had also envisioned this as a way to make sure I Experience how good it is to be a guy on top of his game, especially physically to really enjoy those things with the intent of figuring out if I'm not happy with my body as average, or if I need to be really fit and buff.

[iKate]

I can't ever go to a high school reunion because I went to an all boys school and it would be devastating to me.

[jm77]

I couldn't imagine going to a reunion after or during transition.  Yikes!

[Kellam]

I don't know if I would go to my reunion, my 20th is next year. I didn't have friends outside of school and I wasn't close to anyone who might show up. I'll have to ponder this one. I doubt anyone would be shocked if the weird loner no one liked showed up transitioned. I don't know... There were just as many folks who showed me little kindnesses as there wore folks who yelled insults at me...

It could be fun!

[katiej]

Well, she's been all over the place emotionally, gotten on antidepressants and started seeing a therapist yesterday!  Not exactly all kittens and roses, but we're seeing where it takes us.

The standard trans narrative tells us that transition is an automatic death sentence for marriages.  And it's just not true anymore.  A recent study showed that roughly half of all long-term relationships survive transition.  For MTF's in our thirties it's about 40-45%.  And my experience from the people that I know, the numbers are right...it's about half.  So that's good news.

I'll give you two pieces of (unsolicited) advice.  It took you years to be able to accept yourself.  So don't expect her to jump on board overnight.  It's a process for her just like it was for you.  Be understanding and patient, and give her time.

The other advice is to think of her as a partner in the decision-making process.  Ultimately it's your choice, but she'll be more likely to stick around if you aren't throwing down ultimatums and making decisions without her.  Give her reasons to be with you...just like you did when you were dating 

Best of luck, and please do keep us updated.

[KristinaM]

The standard trans narrative tells us that transition is an automatic death sentence for marriages.  And it's just not true anymore.  A recent study showed that roughly half of all long-term relationships survive transition.  For MTF's in our thirties it's about 40-45%.  And my experience from the people that I know, the numbers are right...it's about half.  So that's good news.

I'll give you two pieces of (unsolicited) advice.  It took you years to be able to accept yourself.  So don't expect her to jump on board overnight.  It's a process for her just like it was for you.  Be understanding and patient, and give her time.

The other advice is to think of her as a partner in the decision-making process.  Ultimately it's your choice, but she'll be more likely to stick around if you aren't throwing down ultimatums and making decisions without her.  Give her reasons to be with you...just like you did when you were dating 

Best of luck, and please do keep us updated.

Some good advice and encouraging words Katiej, thank you very much!  I really want to keep her involved in the process, but she gets tired of me talking about it, and I want to move faster than she wants me to, so it's a back-and-forth tug-of-war in my brain every day.  Trying to avoid the ultimatums for sure though!  Gosh, it's been so long since we dated, I gotta try and remember how it used to be, lol.

I'll definitely be keeping everyone posted though.  I leave random snippets of updates spread all over the forums as is (like in this thread), but I'll try to consolidate in my Introduction thread if nowhere else as it goes along...

[michelle82]

Well, she's been all over the place emotionally, gotten on antidepressants and started seeing a therapist yesterday!  Not exactly all kittens and roses, but we're seeing where it takes us.

The worst part is that she's basically demanding of me to "do nothing" until the baby is born.  That'll be another 5+ months though.  So I'm going to start with a therapist of my own in a week, I've joined some local support groups, and this forum has been a godsend for my sanity.

The wife is basically saying to me though that I need to figure this all out now, not bury it for another 10 years from now to pop up and screw things up even more. So I guess it's good that I've got the green light to explore at least.

Hell, I've been thinking the past day or two that I might just be highly gender fluid.  I really really really liked going out in femme on Monday night, but I also enjoyed being able to trudge around at work like a lumbering bear yesterday, lol.

Hi tristan, your story sounds very similar to mine. I also met my soulmate in my 20s, and we bought the house, and had a child, etc. Im 32 now, and when I found out I was going to be a parent, that really made me realize that I need to r-evaluate my life. It was sort of like a kick in the ass for me. I had suppressed my trans feelings from childhood, and every so often that would just resurface usually around stressful points in my life. After I found out I was going to be a parent, I started therapy to start discussing my gender feelings, but unfortunately i ended up repressing everything. That would be the last time i did that though.

You may find that once your child is born, your focus will be totally on your child, and not so much on yourself. It wasn't until my daughter turned 2 years old, that things finally settled down and I was able to focus on my transition again. I'm now about 7 months into transition, with about 2 month milestone for HRT.

In my case, I didn't stay with my partner, but we are still best friends and she is one of my biggest supporters. I still see my daughter almost every day, and she is starting to understand that daddy is now a girl.

I wish you the best of luck, and as others have said if you want to keep your partner, give her time and don't do anything abruptly without discussing it with her. Show her that you can still be a great parent, and lover. This is still not a guarantee, but if you rush things and become selfish (i was guilty of this) you can probably bet that it won't last long. In my case i no longer wanted to be in a relationship, because I just didn't have the energy for it. I needed to focus my energy on myself and my child.

I've totally been in your shoes and if you ever want to talk more feel free to IM me!! Im so happy for you becoming a parent!!, it really is one of the best things in life that i wouldn't trade for anything! enjoy every moment.

[KristinaM]

Hey all.

So, transitioning in your 30's eh?  Well, I'm 33.

When I discovered I was transsexual 4 months ago, I didn't really know how life was going to play out.  I spent weeks and weeks devouring information, reorganizing my outlook on life, and making plans for how to proceed.  Everyone said, "you're rushing, slow down!" and I was like, are you kidding me?  So they had a point, I was moving quickly, but the pace isn't sustainable, and there was good reason for it.  There's just a lot of things to do to get started and I knew I had to get started on all of them ASAP since they are all looooooong term activities.  Once I set things in motion, now I'm just along for the ride!

- Shopping for clothes, takes months or years to build up a wardrobe without breaking the bank.
- Getting therapy, takes dozens of sessions to develop a good rapport with a therapist, a plan of attack, execute it, and see the results.  Plus, letters....
- Hormones, takes months and years to work physically, but mentally the results were noticeable for me almost immediately.  I was suddenly so happy and excited about life, more empathetic to my wife's feelings and my own.
- Makeup, RLE, Voice, etc..., also takes months and years to get good at and settle into new habits.
- Body/Facial Hair removal, also takes up to a couple years to effectively treat.
- Head Hair Growth, yep, also takes months and years (I have super curly hair, so take a normal length of time for growth and multiply by 3!)

So yeah, rushing?  Not really, everything just takes so dang long to UNDO from years of testosterone poisoning, lol.

Anyways.  I wish I could've done this sooner, but as I've said before, I would've missed out on living the life I've led, and I wouldn't swap any of that (well, some of it maybe, heh).  I've been on a low intro dose of HRT for 7 weeks now, Spiro and Estradiol.  I have noticed some nipple sensitivity/itchiness and breast pain (no remarkable growth), and skin improvement (softer and less oily).  So far that's it, but combined with one treatment of laser hair removal, the only body hair I have right now is blonde and it's growing very slowly!  My Estradiol dose should be upped in a week or two.  I can't wait to see how this goes over the next year!  Super excited about next year's bathing suit season, haha.

Transitioning in your 30's, doable.  Mostly for me it's the feeling of mental relief that comes with acting how I want to, dressing how I want to, and having people (small group of friends for now) treat me respectfully and as the woman I hope to be on the outside someday that I already feel like on the inside.  I know there's more inside me than even I know about though, and it's an exciting future ahead of me on the path to discovering all the nuances!

With all that said, I'm not publicly out as of now, so I'm not posting any pics yet, sorry!  I'm trying to take some along the way though so I have them to look back on and show the progression. 

[Stella Sophia]

Hey girl,

I will be 32 next month, but I started transitioning 3 months ago. I will have to post some pics when I can.

[katiej]

Kristina, I'm so glad to hear things are working out for you.  This is definitely a marathon process even though we often feel ready to sprint to the finish line.  For me, things seem like they're moving at a glacial pace, but my wife feels like she's on a roller coaster.  But I'm happy to slow down a bit if it means I have a chance at keeping her on board.  And at this point it looks like I have a very good chance at it.

I'm realizing that pretty soon I'm going to reach a point of needing to just rip off the bandaid and jump in with both feet.  I'd like to get some more laser done on the face, fill out the wardrobe, and improve my makeup skills before then.  But I suppose it's like reaching the point of being ready to get married or being ready to have kids...nobody is ever quite ready, you just make do as you go along.

[KristinaM]

Indeed, very few people are ever "ready" for this.  Sure we are all ready in the sense that we want it to happen, but being ready to go bungee jumping and actually doing it are two different things!

My wife has been great so far, really.  I love her.  She calls me Kristina and her wife more often than not now.  She buys clothes for herself with the thought in her head that maybe I'd like to wear them too, lol.  I borrow her earrings sometimes, and she's handed down some miscellaneous things to me to help kickstart the wardrobe.  It's really been fantastic and I hope I never take that for granted.  I also hope that you and your wife can work it out!  Having someone supportive by your side is invaluable!

I figure next summer I'll probably have to jump in with both feet.  Hormones will have been working on me for a year at that point and my hair is gonna be sooo long.  I grow nearly an inch a month!