Hello everyone, I've been visiting Susans for months and finally feel confident enough to join. I'm starting kind of late; I'm 58 years old (but feel lots younger!) and started my transition last year. I always had an issue with my self image; I always hated the way I looked and felt so out of place. For years I was able to suppress my feminine side through the physical release of running and being a workaholic. I've been fortunate enough that I was able to retire (from my own business, my sons now do all the work) five years ago. We spent the first years of my retirement traveling to places around the world that I never in my wildest imagination thought that I would ever go to and enjoying our six kids (Brady bunch) and our six granddaughters (soon to be eight
). But at the same time I was growing more and more unhappy with my life - the dysphoria that I had so successfully repressed for all these years was getting worse and worse. I was in therapy in early 2009 for depression due to the denial of my feelings, twice spending several weeks at the "funny farm" after attempting suicide because of the pain I felt I would cause others if I came out, but at the same time I was so profoundly unhappy with living the lie any longer. With the help of my fabulous therapist I was able to finally acknowledge and accept what I needed to do for myself, and with her support was finally able to tell my wife Judy in July of this year. Let me tell you about Judy -- I'm married for twenty one years to the most wonderful woman in the world, truly my best friend and soul mate. She saved my life twenty three years ago when I was so depressed about my dysphoria - she stopped me then from doing something terribly stupid to myself even though I was unable to tell her the reason for my depression. She saved my life again four years ago when I had a life-threatening MRSA infection (flesh eating staph infection), nursing and nuturing me through the months of recovery. While I feel wonderful now that I have openly started my transition, I feel so terribly guilty for the pain I'm putting Judy through. She is having an awful time trying to come to terms with it. She is doing her best; I had started the process a year and a half ago on the sly; body shaving, getting mani/pedi's with toe color, pierced ears and earrings, letting my hair grow out (for 16 months now after always having a crew cut) and getting it styled and colored; she just thought I was having fun with my looks since I wasn't involved in the business anymore. I started HRT a year ago (without her knowing) and when I told her about it in July she was o.k. with it (she had wondered what was going on with my boobs - she had an "Ah ha moment", as Oprah would say, after I told her about the HRT). But she is unable to accept me en femme; I have been going to my therapy sessions for the last two months as Jamie (I was Jim before) - she says it would break her heart so see me "that way" and ask that I don't wear woman's clothes in front of her. I think she is still in denial to some extent; as long as I look like Jim there's a chance that things will "go back to normal". But the next big step is tomorrow; I having surgery to repair a deviated septum, and also having rhinoplasty done at the same time. I want a "cute" nose (smooth forehead/nose transition) little of a ski jump profile, thinner, not so pointy. When I told Judy about it she had a good laugh; she says I can't end up with a cuter nose than her. But I worry about her when the bandages come off and the reality of the situation hits her that Jim really is going away for good. After the holidays and seeing the kids and grandkids (all who don't know) I will be starting my RLE in February or March and if things work out my 60th birthday present to myself in June of 2012 will be my GRS. I know the next year is going to be stressful and wonderful at the same time and will be looking to you all for help to get me get through the tough times and to share in the joy of each new milestone I achieve; and I know I'll be able to reciprocate in kind. Thanks for taking the time to learn a little bit about me. I look forward to getting to know you all better. Jamie
