I don't want to talk to my family after I transition?

[Cody Jensen]

Hey guys, you probably recognize me from some of my other posts. I'm trying to find a therapist at the moment because many times I feel like a boy stuck in a girl's body. I haven't even come out to my family yet. They have no clue. Speaking of family, I've been doing a lot of thinking about them. I know if I ever do come out, my mom's side of the family will be gossiping about me and saying things behind my back just like they're doing with my trans cousin right now. My dad's side? I imagine they might do the same, but then I really don't know. After I transition, I would only want to talk to my sister and dad (I don't have a mom in case you're wondering). I would probably move out of the country or something as an excuse. Is that wrong of me? I just don't want to deal with the people who used to love me suddenly giving me scowls and glaring at me when I walk into the room. I actually don't mind not talking to most of them. I am sure my sister and dad would still love me. But the rest of the family.. would probably just be too much for me to deal with. What do you think? What should I do? These days I don't know what to expect of anyone anymore...

PS- I'd appreciate it if there were no rudes posts.

[Dominick_81]

I understand what your saying about wanting to move away.  Only a few family members in my family know I'm trans. My mom thinks I'm confused. She won't even talk about it, it's too hard for her I guess. But I was thinking the same thing... moving out once I transition, but I have no money so I can't right now.. But probably not out of the country, just living on my own.  Have you thought about living out on your own? Or do you already live out on your own?

If your family loved you before the transition I don't think they would stop loving you after the transition.  It'll be hard in the beginning b/c you'll start looking different, and that's something their gunna have to get used to, ya know? But in time maybe they will be more excepting. But I see your situation b/c of your cousin going through it.

Have you thought about coming out and telling them anytime soon?

[Cody Jensen]

Hi Dominick,
No, I still live with my dad. My sister comes to visit on weekends too because she still technically lives with us. I don't plan to tell them any time soon. The plan is to transition when I'm around the age of 23/25. I want to wait because I'm obviously not sure yet and just in case transition ISN'T what I want I don't want to regret it! I'm just confused about everything right now. I imagine it will go something like this: when I come out, my sister might cry a little from shock, but she will still love me. My dad might be angry because when he found out my cousin was gay he sounded surprised in an angry/upset way, but I think he may eventually come around. I am already thinking of what would happen if they both reject me and kick me out. I'd probably go to live with my dad's girlfriend who is very accepting of people who are different (like me, I guess) or one of my sister's friends who is also very nice and accepting. I was actually thinking about coming out to her soon but I don't think I will just quite yet. I think I may have already said this but my family not loving me anymore (meaning my dad and sister) would be my biggest fear. I stayed up all night worrying about this once. I wish I could just tell them knowing that everything will be alright and they'll still love me. It's all messed up.   

[Almond]

If your family loved you before the transition I don't think they would stop loving you after the transition.  It'll be hard in the beginning b/c you'll start looking different, and that's something their gunna have to get used to, ya know? But in time maybe they will be more excepting. But I see your situation b/c of your cousin going through it.

there is a real chance that they will stop loving him. a lot of families simply don't know how to cope with this, and parents start seeing their children as enemies instead of people to love and support. they don't realize how scary it is to come out.

if you can help it, JoshT, I wouldn't recommend telling them until you're on your own. not unless you KNOW they will be supportive.

[Dominick_81]

Hey Josh,

That's a good idea to wait and make sure it's what you want.


I would think if you know that your father and sister  love you unconditionally then it might be easier for you to tell them when your ready too.

When I told my mom,  I thought she would cry, but she didn't.  Maybe that was b/c I was so upset and crying.  She said she'll always love me no matter what.  I thought it would be a long time before I told my mom, but the way I told my mom was... well, it came out in a fight.  After the fight was over and we started talking and I was crying, I told her there was something I've been wanting to tell you for a long and the words wouldn't come out... and she asked if I was gay and I told her no, then she said... you wanna be a boy... and I said yes. So she knew, but like me she kept herself in denial even though all the signs were right there. And when I told my grandmother, I had my cousins with me.

So when your ready to tell your Father and sister it might be easier to have someone with you. It was a lot easier for me telling my grandmother with my cousins right there with me and helping me talk and backing me up.

I feared that too, but in the back of my mind I knew that my mom loved my unconditionally. It's always scary to tell family a secret you have and afraid they will stop loving you b/c of it.

[Dominick_81]

there is a real chance that they will stop loving him. a lot of families simply don't know how to cope with this, and parents start seeing their children as enemies instead of people to love and support. they don't realize how scary it is to come out.

if you can help it, JoshT, I wouldn't recommend telling them until you're on your own. not unless you KNOW they will be supportive.

I didn't know that.  Hopefully they don't if Josh decides to tell them. I know how hard  and scary it is coming out and telling family. I couldn't even tell my mom. But like I said before in my previous post, it came out in a fight and not all my family members know.

[Almond]

I didn't know that.  Hopefully they don't if Josh decides to tell them. I know how hard  and scary it is coming out and telling family. I couldn't even tell my mom. But like I said before in my previous post, it came out in a fight and not all my family members know.

your parents are probably much better than mine. my mother and I were living alone at the time, so she was the only one there to hear my side of the story... there was no one to delegate or give her feedback. she was an outspoken conservative and took it very, very badly - for all that she used to say she loved me no matter what.

my point is... there are parents who don't understand this at all, and gladly spoon out hate when you go to them for support.

[Dominick_81]

your parents are probably much better than mine. my mother and I were living alone at the time, so she was the only one there to hear my side of the story... there was no one to delegate or give her feedback. she was an outspoken conservative and took it very, very badly - for all that she used to say she loved me no matter what.

my point is... there are parents who don't understand this at all, and gladly spoon out hate when you go to them for support.

I don't know. I just have a mother. She won't even talk about it and not really supporting me. I don't think she would help me out with finding a doctor to put me on T. I know she'll always love me no matter what, but she's not really supporting me... that's how I feel. I just went to the doctors today and my doctor doesn't do that and she doesn't know anyone in the area that does. I'm so bummed. I don't know what to do now. I'm so frustrated. And the worst part of it all is I have no money to get on T.   I was relying on insurance to cover all or half of it.

[Asfsd4214]

I barely spoke to my family pre-transition on account of me being the screw up of the family (and when I say 'the family' I mean my mothers family, I dunno my dad's family), and I didn't like how I knew they looked down on me.

Post-transition I avoid them even more... because now i think they less look down and me and more pity me or think I'm just screwed up in the head.

So it sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Your biological family doesn't need to have any significant place in your life as far as I'm concerned, only your chosen family does.

[Aidan_]

Your biological family doesn't need to have any significant place in your life as far as I'm concerned, only your chosen family does.

That sounds quite reasonable.

While I am not FtM so I can't speak of the hardships you'll face, I'm sure all sides of the trans community may run into the same problem of suddenly being hated by their parents. See it from their perspective though, and you may understand it.

If you spent all your time raising your puppy and teaching it to do puppy tricks only to come home one day to a cat....How would that make you feel? Everything you put into that dog...and suddenly it wants to be a cat, so it became one.

That's how they feel...sorta. Not saying you should tolerate it, in fact, I say it's perfectly acceptable to avoid them after transitioning. Moving to another country may or may not be a great idea though. Watch where you move, and do your research. You don't want to go somewhere that is hostile to trans people.

[Asfsd4214]

That sounds quite reasonable.

While I am not FtM so I can't speak of the hardships you'll face, I'm sure all sides of the trans community may run into the same problem of suddenly being hated by their parents. See it from their perspective though, and you may understand it.

If you spent all your time raising your puppy and teaching it to do puppy tricks only to come home one day to a cat....How would that make you feel? Everything you put into that dog...and suddenly it wants to be a cat, so it became one.

That's how they feel...sorta. Not saying you should tolerate it, in fact, I say it's perfectly acceptable to avoid them after transitioning. Moving to another country may or may not be a great idea though. Watch where you move, and do your research. You don't want to go somewhere that is hostile to trans people.

Umm... I would feel happy... cats and dogs are both great and I still love the personality of my cat/dog.

[Aidan_]

Umm... I would feel happy... cats and dogs are both great and I still love the personality of my cat/dog.

It was just an analogy, silly

[Cody Jensen]

thanks for all these opinions guys..like I said, I'll wait and see. I don't remember if I mentioned that my sister was very accepting of my cousin and she supports him in his ->-bleeped-<-. I figure she would do the same for me... but I don't want to tell her just in case her reaction is different to me.

[Julie Marie]

One of the toughest things to do when you're young, especially when you're living under your parent's roof, is not let the opinion of others and their judgment of you affect you.  As you get older you realize none of that changes who you are and it's foolish when people think it does.  I can call you any name in the book, I can say you are this or that but none of those things define you or make you something you're not.

People respect those who stay true to themselves.  And people will try to mold those who will let them.  The more uncertain you seem, the harder they will push.  Don't defend yourself.  Don't fight them.  Just be yourself and remain unaffected (you can acknowledge but don't react) by what family and friends say.  When they see they can't affect who you are, they will stop gossiping and start respecting you.

[Asfsd4214]

It was just an analogy, silly

I know, lol, I think my response is true of me taking your analogy as literal or not.