How do I deal with the insensitivity of people towards my FtM boyfriend?

[ChisRei]

I'm sick of people who are close to me being insensitive and ignorant about his being a transgendered FtM. I was told earlier today that it's "against the law" for him to use the men's restroom, and that the woman speaking to me "just can't see him as a guy." I can't respond to her at all, because in my situation she's letting me live in her house for free.

The people who are so against him tell me what they think, why he shouldn't be himself...

One person went far enough to say his binder and plans to get surgery was self mutilation.

What should I do about this?

[lilacwoman]

Tell them you live in the 21st century and you are both living as you wish.

[xAndrewx]

Chris, sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and ignore it. I've been kicked out of men's rooms, harassed, and surrounded by ignorant people and I learned that as sad as it is, sometimes it's just best to ignore them.

It's great that you're boyfriend has someone like you to be around after he gets issues from others. My ex while she was still around was the one thing that kept me sane when people were ignorant. If you choose not to ignore them you could try explaining it to them. Sometimes people say stuff because they truly don't know differently. Wish I had better advice for you. 

[ChisRei]

Chris, sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and ignore it. I've been kicked out of men's rooms, harassed, and surrounded by ignorant people and I learned that as sad as it is, sometimes it's just best to ignore them.

It's great that you're boyfriend has someone like you to be around after he gets issues from others. My ex while she was still around was the one thing that kept me sane when people were ignorant. If you choose not to ignore them you could try explaining it to them. Sometimes people say stuff because they truly don't know differently. Wish I had better advice for you.

Thank you Michael, that actually is really helps. My boyfriend has told me to not let it bother me as much as it does, and to just send them his way if they start at it again.

I've explained to the best of my own ability and ended up just having to metaphorically walk into shut doors. It's their choice to be ignorant about it sadly. I wish they would understand better, but I can't force them if they won't listen.

Thank you so much still.

[Valerie]

I recently read something, and this is a paraphrase as I don't recall the exact verbiage.  It went something like this:

If you find yourself concerned about the details of other people's lives, it's usually a sign that you need to start focusing on your own life. 

Wise words for those who can't seem to butt out.  I'm sorry for your situation.  I find it particularly irritating that you have obviously been open & trusting about your boyfriend, and these people don't honour that trust.  At least they could try to understand....and if they can't understand, or bring themselves to try, then zip it.  Ah, in an ideal world....    Best wishes.... 

~Valerie

[ToriJo]

I'm new here, but saw this topic - I know it's old, but thought I'd add a bit.

This is pretty much the only area in me and my wife's relationship where I feel there's particular differences between our relationship and most typical heterosexual relationships.

I'd say to listen to your SO to learn how to respond - different people are going to want different responses.

For me, when my wife is referred to as "he" or similar, she likes me to immediately step up and correct them, politely at first, forcefully if needed - it's very hard on her to deal with this after having lived a life where people continually refuse to recognize who she is, so she truly seems to appreciate when I'm willing to say something so that she doesn't.

As for the more bigoted stuff, I've confronted the person directly and let them know that I do not appreciate someone trying to hurt my wife.  I'd suggest finding a way to leave situations where people are unwilling to accept your boyfriend.  If it was me, I'd find another place to live and let the bigoted people in my life know that they can choose between their bigotry and their relationship with me, but cannot have both their prejudice and me in their life (just be warned - many will choose their prejudice over you).  But of course my situation is likely different than yours, so you have to decide how you'll handle it.

[Mrs Erocse]

Valerie I liked the quote you shared :"If you find yourself concerned about the details of other people's lives, it's usually a sign that you need to start focusing on your own life. "

I am certain I will find an opportunity to use it.

As Michael Alexander said, you have to ignore people most of the time and he's right. I am a defensive person and wish to speak up. I still do sometimes. It is funny it is people you know who are rude mostly. 

[Cindy]

Hi Chris Rei,

Firstly an apology, I presume from your comments that he is your boyfriend and you are his girlfriend?

There are a couple of points, firstly you seem more bothered by the bigots than he does, is that right?  Because guys often seem to be less bothered by this sort of rubbish than girls.

Secondly, as Patty said it is often the people who know you try this rubbish. I personally have dismissed 'friends' who cannot accept Cindy from my life.

Thirdly, it may depend where you live. I'm in a place that I have found very tolerant of TG people. Possibly you are in Red neck country?

I also think we need to ignore these stupid people, responding to them suggests that their comment has some worth. It doesn't.

Cindy

[pretty pauline]

For me, when my wife is referred to as "he" or similar, she likes me to immediately step up and correct them, politely at first, forcefully if needed - it's very hard on her to deal with this after having lived a life where people continually refuse to recognize who she is, so she truly seems to appreciate when I'm willing to say something so that she doesn't.

Hi Slanan, hope Im not asking personal question, is you Wife trans, I think its horrible there are ignorant people who referr to her as ''he'' but its good you are so supportive Husband, its important you do correct people who address her in this way.
My own Husband is very supportive, loyal and protective towards me, but I don't have them problems these days, you seem a very caring and supportive guy, very important quailties for a woman.

Pauline

[ToriJo]

I'd rather not give too many details about my wife without talking to her first (she's shared a lot about the past with me that she does not share with others) - however, I can say that she was seen as male at birth and has had surgery to correct that accident of nature.

[pretty pauline]

I'd rather not give too many details about my wife without talking to her first (she's shared a lot about the past with me that she does not share with others) - however, I can say that she was seen as male at birth and has had surgery to correct that accident of nature.

Thank you Slanan, I understand, I understand.....
Pauline

[onep1ece7]

I know I am a little late to the topic but I wanted to offer some advice.  I think educating people is the best way to solve ignorance.  Matt kailey is an FTM spokesperson and related a great story about how his educating someone helped that person to realize what we are and that we should be accepted not assaulted.  I don't know if I am allowed post a link to where I read the article but he has a great site that has some fantastic information.

[Master Yoda]

I'm sick of people who are close to me being insensitive and ignorant about his being a transgendered FtM. I was told earlier today that it's "against the law" for him to use the men's restroom, and that the woman speaking to me "just can't see him as a guy." I can't respond to her at all, because in my situation she's letting me live in her house for free.

The people who are so against him tell me what they think, why he shouldn't be himself...

One person went far enough to say his binder and plans to get surgery was self mutilation.

What should I do about this?

I totally get this.  Most of my closest friends have a hard time understanding my partner is a transman; I have seen the whole range of emotions, from confusion through to anger.  Sometimes I wonder if it was a big mistake telling them.  And as for my parents; well, my dad, surprisingly was quite accepting, my mum certainly less so.

As for what can be done, I don't think I am the right person to give advice.  But a couple of things do spring to mind.  The most important person  in your life is your boyfriend;  everyone else is secondary.   And as I believe Dr. Seuss once said "those who mind, don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind".

Right now, its your love for your boyfriend that counts.  So keep hanging in there; hopefully things will get better.

[Elizabeth A.]

My bf is FtM. Most of my friends are very supportive, but sometimes I get a reaction that shows me someone just doesn't get it.

You say that these people are "close to you." Some thoughts:

1. Communicate to these people how much it hurts *you* when they won't validate your bf's identity. If *you* are important to them, they will at least listen.

2. Consider the possibility that they are not hopeless bigots with their minds forever made up. They may just be going by the common misconceptions about trans people. Or fear of the unknown. In my hometown, people still think "trans" means men in kinky dress-up; most have never even heard of people like your bf or mine, born with a male brain and a female body, needing to fix the outside so that it matches the inside. But I have found that most people are open to education, especially if they respect me and are my friend.

3. I have offered friends & family things to read. They seem to like that. (Sometimes they even love it, and continue to ask for more reading!) Two books I like are Just Add Hormones, and The Testosterone Files. Those books are both written by trans men; they explain their feelings in childhood, followed by challenges of transition and life after transition. Or point people to articles; there is a lot of good info on this website and others.

We can't "make" anybody change their mind; but we *can* offer them both the emotional cues and the intellectual/information background on trans issues, that can encourage them to change their perspectives if they are open to it.

Elizabeth

[kisschittybangbang]

You can either be more snap back at them and go all "He's more of a man that you", or go around flashing papers, or hell, ignore them. People are rude these days. It hurts, that's very true, but you can't let it get to you.

When it comes to family let them know that you're standing your ground. the more clear you express that disrespectful words and behaviors are unacceptable, the more they'll be respectful.