Blunt Helpful Transition Advice

[Nygeel]

There's a lot of things that I've noticed through the years as I've transitioned. There's been a lot of advice I realized wasn't that helpful, and a big chunk that was. I wanted to see if we could create one big thread dedicated to things you would've told yourself earlier in your transition. I'll give some examples of things I would've said to myself, or things I would say to somebody who is newly transitioning or earlier compared to myself.

1. Breathing is more important than binding.
2. Masculinity is not the be all of maleness.
3. Finally getting hormones after a long struggle to get them can flood your emotions. It's okay to have a good long happy cry.
4. Hormones don't guarantee that you will turn into a slim hairless androgynous man. You might become a very hairy chubby guy, and that's okay.
5. Hormones can be extremely slow. Although it feels like forever, it really isn't. Be patient, changes can and will happen with time.
6. Being stealth cannot be guaranteed. It's possible that one day you might be outed. It will give you the absolute worst thoughts you can imagine. You've been tough enough to get to where you are, you can make it through these struggles.

[Bombadil]

awesome post nygeel

I don't suppose you'd be willing to elaborate on the 2nd one.

[Jessica Merriman]

The biggy for me was realizing I was not alone and others were struggling just like I was. Misery shared isn't as bad as isolationism.

[Nygeel]

awesome post nygeel

I don't suppose you'd be willing to elaborate on the 2nd one.

For me, early on I felt a lot of pressure to be really masculine. Work out, sports, etc. There was some stuff about passing, and conforming to something I didn't feel was me. I acted and presented myself in an effort to pass, but it didn't work and made me uncomfortable.

So...yeah...express your gender in the way you want, you're male and a man so long as you ID that way.

[aleon515]

Very great post! 

--Jay

[Nygeel]

I would also tell my younger self that medical issues from taking testosterone can happen, and its okay to go on medication for that.

...and uh...I felt like early on my transition was very independent. I had a support system in place that collapsed. Younger me could've benefitted a lot from a proper support system, and less stubbornness. I kinda felt like I had to do my transition alone because people just weren't there.

So...its okay to ask for help.

OH! Forgot this one! It's okay to have doubt's and worries about transition. I don't think there are too many trans people who have never doubted transitioning.

[Adam (birkin)]

1. (kind of like Nygeel's point about breathing being more important than binding) Binding is not going to help you pass. Only time on hormones will do that. After enough time on T, you will pass without question to the majority of people, even in just a sports bra, so stop taking chances with that injury.

2. Rethink your priorities and start taking action to make this transition happen.

3. You don't owe anyone an explanation and you do not have to wait for their acceptance.

4. For the love of God, wear nicer clothes.

5. Be cautious about which people you bring close to you. You don't have to be an open book simply because you are transgender. Again, you don't owe anybody anything, including your life story.

6. T won't turn you into an a-hole, if anything, you become much more sensitive, and far less angry.

7. SAVE YOUR DAMN MONEY because the healthcare system will let you slip through the cracks and you will have to pay for surgery yourself. But that's OK, because this doctor knows how to do it without leaving scarring.

[Jason C]

Thanks Nygeel as for masculinity not being the be all and end all for manliness, I totally agree. I was trying to work on sitting, walking, etc. more like a guy, and then I thought, why should I? Guys aren't all acting the same, we all have different mannerisms and etc. If I speak in a more typically feminine way, it doesn't matter, I'm still me. I think that's an awesome bit of advice to give, but as are the rest, thank you!

[aleon515]

I do sit, stand, etc.--- use more masculine mannerisms. But aside from that, I am not worried about "tweaking" my performance. If something looks "off" it looks off. I am pretty sure it gets read as gay, as gay guys look at me sometimes (in a good sort of way ). I know a lot of "straight" trans men get read as gay, as I am pretty sure that some of the mannerisms are not seen as stereotypically male. "Gay" is, in this case, gender presentation, not sexual orientation.

Funny thing, I love being read and seen as male, and sometimes I will just mess with this. So I'll say "Oh what a cute little dog...etc" or some other thing that I never would have said 6 months ago, or talk in a way I don't think is typical of guys, etc. I also wear a lot brighter colors than I used to.

I think the whole masculinity thing is hard on men, so they end up not being themselves.


--Jay

[Jason C]

I do sit, stand, etc.--- use more masculine mannerisms. But aside from that, I am not worried about "tweaking" my performance. If something looks "off" it looks off. I am pretty sure it gets read as gay, as gay guys look at me sometimes (in a good sort of way ). I know a lot of "straight" trans men get read as gay, as I am pretty sure that some of the mannerisms are not seen as stereotypically male. "Gay" is, in this case, gender presentation, not sexual orientation.

See, that's very true. A while back I was watching this guy's videos on YouTube, and he's transgender. I noticed that despite him being on testosterone and having a deep voice and etc., the way he spoke kind of reminded me of 'stereotypically gay' guys. So I guess in some cases, some gay people (I guess people more seen as stereotypical) can have mannerisms more often seen in the other sex. I find that pretty interesting, I wonder if that's genetic or social, whether it's just in us or we've developed certain mannerisms through our social interactions and environments?

[AdamMLP]

My advice would be:  There is never a good time to come out.  Just do it.

[aleon515]

See, that's very true. A while back I was watching this guy's videos on YouTube, and he's transgender. I noticed that despite him being on testosterone and having a deep voice and etc., the way he spoke kind of reminded me of 'stereotypically gay' guys. So I guess in some cases, some gay people (I guess people more seen as stereotypical) can have mannerisms more often seen in the other sex. I find that pretty interesting, I wonder if that's genetic or social, whether it's just in us or we've developed certain mannerisms through our social interactions and environments?

Gender presentation is different than what gender you are, and a lot of gay guys have less overtly "male" (whatever the heck that means) presentation than straight guys. In fact, I think gay guys are beat up not for what they do in the bedroom but how they present on the street (which gives me pause, but oh well what can I do-- I am who I am). It seems to threaten some straight guys that there are guys who aren't completely taken in with the idea that masculinity is everything. Being socialized as female would mean that we have learned certain types of behaviors that, unless you want to make a huge effort to decrease them, are just going to be there. I don't choose to do that, I am taking with me a lot of things, and dont' feel the need to go-- well this trait is too feminine. But obviously my look and so on are more on the male side.


--Jay

[PixieBoy]

My advice:

The absolute best time to start transitioning is 5 years ago. The second best time to start it is today. Believe me, it will be worth it.

For the love of all that is holy, go easy on the binding. It might damage you permanently. Yeah, I know, it sucks but try to power through it.

It's going to be okay.

[MarcBanks]

My advice :

Tell society who you are before society tells you who you should be. (in my case, i was  too late, depression took over me)

No matter what your family or the most precious person(s) in your life tell you,
or say how you should be, be who you want to be.
Because when you have happiness inside of your heart mind and soul, it will reflect upon your loved ones..

Don't blame religion, religion is peace. The narrow minds are the problem here. (my parents)

And the most important, you fail again and then get up and repeat that as much as it takes
to show the world who you really are because every person deserves to be happy...(which i'm doing right now)

[Bombadil]

maybe this post should be pinned?

[TRyan]

These are all awesome and helpful especially for those of us in early transition. 

[MarcBanks]

tomboy, what is exactly meant by "pinned"? (PS sorry i'm a newbie )

[Bombadil]

Actually it might be called "sticky' here. if you look on the top of any section you see stickies. They always stay at the top.

[MarcBanks]

Tomboy, thank you for the information, gotcha 

[magpie]

This is great. My advice:

You don't have to apologize for being yourself, whether that means getting the trans things you need or expressing your gender however fits you best.

Thinking about how you look (finding clothes, getting hair cuts, working out, etc) can sometimes feel like a reminder of everything that feels dissonant, but it's definitely worth it. Pushing through the struggle and awkwardness of trying out everything to find something even a little bit more right is completely worth it when you can look at yourself and feel good about at least something.

Keep focused as best as you can on the good parts, the things you like about yourself and your body. Hope is a hard thing to hold onto sometimes, and that's okay, but you can make it through.