FTM/MTF dating?

[cynthialee]

Sevan and I are still together 4 years into our transitions, 7 years of mariage and 9 years into our relationship.
So the MTF and FTM (or FTA in Sevans case) relationship is a good paradigm to work with it seems to me.

[TheLance]

I think that if my current gf (who is cis) and I ever break up I would prefer to be with an mtf woman because we would be able to understand one another on such a deep level. I don't see much difference between cis and trans women attraction wise. My type remains the same either way, so I'm not a '>-bleeped-<' or anything, heh. Just wana be understood.

[aleon515]

I talked about this. Funny thing though you know the thing about us being all different orientations. But when as you transition, you don't look the same and that can affect you whether your cis or trans. I think my gf might be my ex. No bad feelings as this was always more of a date than a relationship but it is one of those things-- just like any other gf thing.

--Jay

[Jared]

I had a relationship with a transgirl who was post-op so we just dealt with my dysphoria :'D But she definitely knew how to. When we had troubles it wasn't because of being trans, just common problems. However I have an MTF friend who said 2 people in a relationship is too much with the same issue. Somehow I think it might be true but it wouldn't hold me back if I really like someone.

[aleon515]

I had a relationship with a transgirl who was post-op so we just dealt with my dysphoria :'D But she definitely knew how to. When we had troubles it wasn't because of being trans, just common problems. However I have an MTF friend who said 2 people in a relationship is too much with the same issue. Somehow I think it might be true but it wouldn't hold me back if I really like someone.

Well actually we don't have the same issues. You might think that, but we really don't. Yeah maybe gender dysphoria but in the big broad world of issues, we don't/didn't.

--Jay

[cynthialee]

I have to disagree Jay. Almost ALL the issues are the same. There is almost no difference except the direction one is going.
I come to this opinion from living it.

[aleon515]

I have to disagree Jay. Almost ALL the issues are the same. There is almost no difference except the direction one is going.
I come to this opinion from living it.

Not what I mean actually. I mean to say that aside from trans issues-- and we were at different places in our transition-- we all have other stuff going on and she and I didn't/don't have all the same stuff going on.

Without saying much about her, say one person has family stuff, another has job stuff, someone else has school stuff and so on.
They may be trans, that some trans people have different kinds of things, regardless of gender. I am retired, I have one family member, I wasn't married. Someone else may be going thru a divorce.




--Jay

[Violet Bloom]

When I think about the possibility of dating transpeople it ends up really messing with my head.  I have a pretty good sense that I want to be in a relationship with a female but that this female would fill a husband-like role and be a sexual dominant.  As such when I look at FTMs I am often drawn to them by their personality traits and the more typically male role they might play.  At the same time I have to admit that I'm also attracted to what I would term their 'latent feminity' which is a recipe for causing them major disphoria.  When I look at MTFs I am attracted to their female traits but would be put off by their 'latent masculinity'.  The commonality here is that I don't have an attraction to most masculine physical features so in both cases I would likely be doing myself and the MTF/FTM a disservice by trying to enter a relationship.  I am not saying it's entirely out of the question, as I tend to favor what I would call quite androgynous or boyish women especially if they have a lot of pride in being a strong-willed, smart and capable character.  I concluded a couple years back that there was a good chance that my instincts would lead me to enter a relationship with someone not fully physically female and that I would just have to accept it if it happened and learn more about myself in the process.  If I meet someone that I really connect with on a personality level and am attracted to physically I will not strike them down if I later learn they don't have female or fully female genitalia.  I'm just not sure it would work out too well.

This all gets terribly complicated once you start to consider all the variations and combinations of non-polar gender and sexuality.  I feel rather ill-equipped to navigate this and extremely nervous about even starting conversations about it with potential mates.  I expect to hold off on any kind of relationship until I get well into my transition so that I am at least presenting a clear picture of myself to others and know better how to explain myself to them.  If it turns out that someone of any variation I wouldn't have expected shows interest in me at that point then I may just roll with it.  I really would just prefer that they don't have any major hang-ups with their own body.

Recently someone I knew from a support group started an MTF transition.  They wanted to be friends with me but I got the distinct impression they wanted to try dating me.  I managed to avoid speaking directly to the issue and I haven't heard from them for awhile.  Unfortunately, although they seemed rather nice, I just wasn't into it particularly because they were actively transitioning and I didn't really know how it would turn out.  To me they were always going to be far too male and it would never feel right.  Certainly I didn't want to have to spell that out for them.  I really hope I never have to be in a position of telling anyone trans I can't date them because they are 'too male' since it may do them major mental harm.

[Jared]

Well actually we don't have the same issues. You might think that, but we really don't. Yeah maybe gender dysphoria but in the big broad world of issues, we don't/didn't.

--Jay

I aggree partially, but all our issues comes from gender dysphoria, what we want to change in our bodies it's opposite.

[Sammy]

I could see myself in such kind of relationship - theoretically. Because, I know only one FTM and I would not want to date him - because of issues related to his personality, not him being trans  . But such relationship would be kinda tricky - partially because of the mentioned issues of latent femininity and latent masculinity features, which are sometimes quite hard to get rid of. In fact, I cant see myself in a serious relationship with a cis-guy either - at least at this moment - I would love to date them, but I cant see myself living with a cis-guy 24/7.

[Christine167]

I could see myself in a relationship with a FtM. At first I thought "Well sure maybe." But then I met a new FtM acquaintance/friend and he struck that crush switch in my head.  So.. I'm going to go find something cold to drink right as I still haven't shaken that line of thought to actually be able to hold a real conversation with him/about him. Yeah... 

[Taka]

I aggree partially, but all our issues comes from gender dysphoria, what we want to change in our bodies it's opposite.

i have lots of issues. most of them are not from gender dysphoria. i'm a horribly difficult person to be with, i have preferences, dislikes, things i need, things i can't stand. all unrelated to gender, be it my own or the other person's.
all relationships are different, as every person is unique. the dysphoria of a trans person might not be all that much worse that the dysphoria of someone who suffers from ptsd, ocd, panic attacks etc. not only trans people get suicidal, we're just more likely as a group to get that dysphoric.

as a rather pansexual person (i like people, not genders), i'm open to anything. i can't promise anyone a man or a woman though, they'd probably have to deal with both.

[aleon515]

i have lots of issues. most of them are not from gender dysphoria. i'm a horribly difficult person to be with, i have preferences, dislikes, things i need, things i can't stand. all unrelated to gender, be it my own or the other person's.
all relationships are different, as every person is unique. the dysphoria of a trans person might not be all that much worse that the dysphoria of someone who suffers from ptsd, ocd, panic attacks etc. not only trans people get suicidal, we're just more likely as a group to get that dysphoric.

as a rather pansexual person (i like people, not genders), i'm open to anything. i can't promise anyone a man or a woman though, they'd probably have to deal with both.

Yeah that's really what I meant. She and I have gender dysphoria in common but we have rather different other issues because our lives have been pretty different. Not sure re: us but she is always going to be a friend. I know sometimes people hate to hear that but in our case I think it's good because we are coming to it mutually I think.

--Jay

[Brandon]

That's a really good question, Honestly though I pefer cis woman, But Ive seen alot of mtf women who pass really well, And look beautiful

[Jared]

Yeah that's really what I meant. She and I have gender dysphoria in common but we have rather different other issues because our lives have been pretty different. Not sure re: us but she is always going to be a friend. I know sometimes people hate to hear that but in our case I think it's good because we are coming to it mutually I think.

--Jay

Oh okay, got it. I meant only trans issues coming from gender dysphoria, but sure there are many things that aren't really "trans related" issues and they are because of dysphoria.
Taka what you mentioned are things that cis people experience too, but that's not really new to anyone 

[Taka]

I just wanted to mention a few things that can complicate a relationship a lot. Trans people can have all the same difficult issues as other people, that are not caused by gender or body dysphoria. Understanding the gender related issues might not always be enough.

[Gene]

Hearing/reading somebody say/write "I would love to date an ftm" makes me a little uncomfortable.

Yeah, kind of makes me feel more like they fetishize MTF/FTMs rather than wanting to genuinely be with them as a person when they say stuff like that.

[aleon515]

Yeah, kind of makes me feel more like they fetishize MTF/FTMs rather than wanting to genuinely be with them as a person when they say stuff like that.

Of course there are exceptions. I might say that just to say, well I'd like to date someone who shares some of the same concerns that I do rather than it being a fetish. But I would be a little more wary of a cisperson thinking this way, makes me wonder.

--Jay

[blue.ocean.girl]

Of course there are exceptions. I might say that just to say, well I'd like to date someone who shares some of the same concerns that I do rather than it being a fetish. But I would be a little more wary of a cisperson thinking this way, makes me wonder.

--Jay

I completely agree... I have had so many experiences like this with cispersons. I just think I've given up on romance with them. :/ Maybe I'm just jaded right now :p But it may be more difficult to find, but I really would love to find an FTM to build a relationship with, not because I'm interested in FTM's specifically, but because I'm interested in men, and finding one where the transsexual thing was not a novelty or a fetish for them, but just the norm, would be ideal i think. 

[aleon515]

I completely agree... I have had so many experiences like this with cispersons. I just think I've given up on romance with them. :/ Maybe I'm just jaded right now :p But it may be more difficult to find, but I really would love to find an FTM to build a relationship with, not because I'm interested in FTM's specifically, but because I'm interested in men, and finding one where the transsexual thing was not a novelty or a fetish for them, but just the norm, would be ideal i think. 

Yes that's right being trans becomes normal in the relationship. It's LESS fetish in some ways. But of course many cispeople don't see trans people as odd or unusual.

--Jay