Church magazine howlers

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The priest of my wife's church, (Anglican), is retiring and has written his last parish magazine. He decided to publish some of the more amuzing howlers that have appeared.

Sentences which have actually appeared in various church bulletins over a number of years.

1. This afternoon, there will be a baptismal in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

2. Tuesday at 4pm, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.

3. Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed", accompanied by the Vicar.

4. Thursday at 5 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers please see the minister in the study.

5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

6. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water".... One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

7. This morning, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of a new carpet. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.

8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.