I had a dream - Mclean's Top Surgery

[jamherst]

Today I had my top surgery booked for Feb 21 2011 with Dr. Mclean for the keyhole procedure. All looks well though I have an uneasy feeling.

A couple of days prior to this I had a strange dream about post-op life. I was taking photos of myself to record the healing process and surgery results in front of a mirror. In my dream, I was quite content but when I woke up, it was a mess of anxiety and the weirdest feeling ever. It was a little negative--it felt so weird to have been in an altered body which was me. It was as if I had jumped forwards in time and missed all the pre-op mental prep. It made me wonder what being post-op actually would feel like.

I've always had chest dysphoria even before I knew what being ftm was. I've always wondered why I could not wear a t-shirt without feeling self conscious because I disliked the 'support' gear and refused to wear it. It drove me crazy. Even now, wearing a binder does not help--any pressure or discomfort around my chest which reminds me of 'their' existence, does not help. I want them gone--but somehow still, that dream made me feel uneasy.

As I was walking out of the clinic today, I wondered what it would be like on surgery day. If I would be knocked out and then wake up in what feels like a new body--and if I would have the same uneasiness.

How are you guys who have gone through top surgery? Did it feel like you woke up reborn or something? Or was it closer to waking up feeling fixed and feeling as if this was how it was suppose to be?

[M.Grimm]

When I came to, I was nauseous and groggy and my throat was in pain and had to pee like you would not believe. It was insanely uncomfortable, but when I put my hand to my bandaged chest and felt it was flat, I was euphoric. The nurse hurried over because I was laughing, and she thought I might be crying. She asked how I felt and I told her, I'd never felt better in my whole life.

It was a really weird mix, since I was in such physical discomfort, but mentally and spiritually I was on top of the world. I finally felt correct, I guess that's the best way to put it.

[sneakersjay]

I love my chest but hate my scars.  They are finally fading as I approach 2 yrs post-op.  The biggest euphoria I had was after my hysto, even though my external body was not altered.  Those parts gave me the most dysphoria.  Even after lower surgery, it took 4 months of healing to where I can finally appreciate the results.

Healing time always sucks, and there's always that thought WTH have I done?!  But it fades quickly.


Jay

[jamherst]

When I came to, I was nauseous and groggy and my throat was in pain and had to pee like you would not believe. It was insanely uncomfortable, but when I put my hand to my bandaged chest and felt it was flat, I was euphoric. The nurse hurried over because I was laughing, and she thought I might be crying. She asked how I felt and I told her, I'd never felt better in my whole life.

It was a really weird mix, since I was in such physical discomfort, but mentally and spiritually I was on top of the world. I finally felt correct, I guess that's the best way to put it.

Out of curiosity...why was your throat in pain? The surgeon and nurses told me that I would be under for around 1-2 hours only and it was day surgery.

I think I would be in tears after the surgery from sheer emotional breakdown that I am finally liberated. When I think about it now, it already feels like a very life changing moment. As for bandages and feeling flat, I think I would need to be bandage free and see myself in the mirror in a close fitting T-shirt to go, 'F--- Yea!".

I suppose my insecurity comes from the fact that I still really appreciate and respect what my body has done for me for the years I've been alive--sometimes I don't want to 'screw it up' but at the same time, I can't bear to live in constant dysphoria and the knowledge that things will never be right.

[jamherst]

I love my chest but hate my scars.  They are finally fading as I approach 2 yrs post-op.  The biggest euphoria I had was after my hysto, even though my external body was not altered.  Those parts gave me the most dysphoria.  Even after lower surgery, it took 4 months of healing to where I can finally appreciate the results.

Healing time always sucks, and there's always that thought WTH have I done?!  But it fades quickly.


Jay

Yea, the 'WTH have I done?!' surely is a big worry which I think would be followed by, "I can't believe this is real. (And now I shall march around shirtless)"

I guess it's hard to mentally prepare to put your body through something like transitioning--I think when I woke up from that dream I had the thought of apologizing to my body for what I've done to it. Perhaps it's a moral thing...?

[M.Grimm]

Out of curiosity...why was your throat in pain? The surgeon and nurses told me that I would be under for around 1-2 hours only and it was day surgery.

They put a tube down my throat for anaesthesia, though they didn't do it until after I had been knocked out. But it causes a lot of irritation and after I was in my recovery room they brought me a little cup of ginger ale to help, and then a throat lozenge. It was sore for a couple of days.

I didn't get to see my chest until several days later, since I was not allowed to take off the bandage and binder. I went in to the surgeon's office so he could check everything and then he asked if I wanted to see my chest. Of course I did! So he gave me a hand held mirror so I could look while I was still laying down, before he bandaged me up again. It was really exciting, even with all of the surgical pen markings still there, the sutures and bruising. It's shocking to see yourself sliced up that way, but it removed so much of my body dysphoria. I should note that I passionately hated those breasts since they first developed, so for me this was more like the removal of disfiguring and painful tumors.

[Radar]

"I can't believe this is real. (And now I shall march around shirtless)"

I'm getting to that point now. I realize in 2 months I'll have my surgery and be liberated, but I also wonder what it's like to live without them. It will probably seem weird at first and takes an adjustment time. Unlike being on T this is a sudden, quick change. I too have had post-op dreams and was elated in my dreams and when I woke up was disappointed it was just a dream.