Can't bring myself to date guys?

[Spiral]

Personality wise I'm more like a guy. But I don't have body dysphoria nor do I grow up "knowing" I'm a guy. I know I'm a girl and I want to be a guy, that's all. But what really bothers me is that I can't date guys as a girl. I find dating with a guy or just flirting with one RIDICULOUS and WRONG since I was about 13. I've dated a guy once. I wasn't attracted to him and I absolutely hate being someone's "girlfriend". One more thing, I'm very attracted to gay guys but not straight ones. It's like in daily life, gender doesn't bother me. But when it comes to relationships, I've got to be a guy.

Can anyone relate?

[Aegir]

I can actually relate to you in the opposite way. Fortunately for me I'm bisexual and not straight- because I get extremely upset when I'm perceived by my girlfriend as HER girlfriend and our relationship is perceived as a lesbian relationship with me as a "butch" lesbian. The feelings I get from my relationships with men being perceived as heterosexual instead of gay don't even compare to the ones I get from having my girlfriend think I am her butch girlfriend instead of her boyfriend. I'd imagine the psychology of that is really hideous but I'll save my armchair speculation for my journal because it's probably not interesting.

Every relationship I ever had with a woman ended for this reason. The first relationship I ever had with a girl, the only one that even lasted for more than a few weeks and therefore the only one I count as a relationship at all, was exceptionally bittersweet because she constantly acknowledged my masculinity- but then urged me to come out with her as "lesbians" together. It fell apart horribly after that.

[Spiral]

I'd imagine the psychology of that is really hideous but I'll save my armchair speculation for my journal because it's probably not interesting.

I'd like to hear your opinion.