My First Post: Came Out to My Parents

[flux_capacitor]

I'm a geek.  Not extremely feminine, but definitely not very masculine either.  When I was a little kid, I hated sports - I thought they were basically the bullys' way of showing they were better than everyone else.  As for myself I preferred to stick to books and video games.  I hated most of the people around me for a long time.

I first knew I wanted to be a girl when I was 12.  I remember the exact moment that I realized it.  I was sitting in class - the lonely, shy kid that I was - and this girl walked in with this radiant smile on her face.  She just looked so happy, and I wanted that so badly.  Just to be happy.  I wanted to be like her - a beautiful, smiling young woman.  I had fantasized about not having my male genitalia before then, but I had never before realized how much I longed to be a girl.  The day before my 13th birthday, I prayed that I would be a girl in the morning.  Back then, I barely kept from mutilating myself in order to be something more like a girl.

I kept the fact that I wanted to be a girl to myself until I was almost 18.  At that point in my life, I was cutting myself because of a breakup I wasn't coping too well with (ironically, that ex is now a best friend of mine).  I first came out to a friend of mine, and it wasn't any surprise to her.  Anyone who knew me well knew there was something a little "off."  When I came out to my mom, it was via email.  I was planning for her to read it when I was at school the next day... but she read it five minutes after I sent it.  I didn't quite expect the reaction I got; she cried more than I've ever seen her cry in my life.  I hated myself for that.  I convinced her within a week or two that it had only been a phase, and we never talked about it again for the next two years.  For most of that time I basically had one really good friend (my ex from earlier) who I talked to about wanting to be a girl.  That helped, but it didn't make me feel any less wrong in my body.

I'm 19 now; I've been at college for a few months.  A couple weeks ago, I told my girlfriend that I wanted to be a girl.  That I had for a long time.  That every time she played "Born in the Wrong Body" by Danielle Ate the Sandwich, I barely kept from crying.  I had started hanging with a few awesome people who now are probably my best friends in the entire world and feel like family to me, and they made me feel the confidence I needed to finally start coming out.  My girlfriend broke up with me, and things with us are complicated now, but that's okay.  I've come out to a lot of my closest friends too.

A few days ago, I came out all the way to my parents.  My mom had already suspected something was going on, according to some rather awkward emails between us, and I thought maybe she would understand - she had been upset for me the first time I came out, but hadn't rejected me.  This time, she just freaked out.  I don't remember exactly how that phonecall went, but I remember I was too upset to talk to her anymore, and I hung up.  The next day, I received an email informing me that I had 30 days to retrieve any possessions from our house and return the key, and that I would never be accepted at home if I was not dressed as "a normal boy."  They talked about all of the depression and things I dealt with growing up - basically my entire life - and said they couldn't deal with any of it anymore.  They said if I get any surgical alterations (which I am planning to, eventually), I will be dead to them.

Saying I'm disappointed would be a bit of an understatement but I've done my crying and now I'm dealing with it.  My friends have kept me from going completely nuts, and I've already talked to a psychiatric counselor on campus about wanting to transition.  The campus counselors are only for short-term problems, but she gave me a number for a clinic that deals with a lot of trans people, so I hope I'll be on my way to hormones and beyond relatively soon.  I'm hoping I get through the bulk of the transition process before I'm out of college.

I'm not going home over Thanksgiving Break, but my uncle/older-brother figure and my cousin have offered to let me stay with them, so I will.  That little bit of normality would be nice.

Anyway, that's all for my first post.
Adios!

[justmeinoz]

Sorry to hear your parents have turned their back on you especially on the eve of Thanksgiving . We don't have it, so I am not sure of all the details, but it seems like the one time when families in N. America try  hardest to be together. You have friends here from all over though, so welcome, and hugs.

Sandra.

[Janet_Girl]

Hi flux_capacitor,

Welcome to our little family. Over 4100 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation Rules
  

It really sux that the people who are suppose to love you forever can just throw it all away.  But my Dad did basically the same thing.  Only I went back in the closet for them and was miserable for the next 20 plus years.  But you have a new family here and we will not desert you.

Cute ID BTW. 

Hugs and Love,
Janet

[A]

(I suggest moving this to Introductions)

Welcome, and I am very sorry about what is happening to you. I don't have much of a supporting family, but at least they're not kicking me out... I admire your attitude, though. Keep up the good work.

And remember that professionals are not always nice. They WILL want to keep you from your goal, at least in the beginning. You must not back down, no matter what they say !

Keep up the hard work !

[xAndrewx]

Welcome to the forum 

I'm so sorry that things went that way for you I'm glad you have someone to spend Thanksgiving with. Welcome to a place of friends and a second family

[sarahla]

Hi Flux_Capacitor,

You are better than I, as I should write an introduction about myself as well.

Thank you for sharing your story.  Things will get better.  My endo (former) told me once that one cannot judge the future by the past until one is totally honest and living as yourself, your true self.  Things will get better.

The thought that crossed my mind reading your introduction is that God / Jesus (does not matter Christian/Catholic or Jewish faiths) are about love and compassion.  That is especially true for Jesus, but again and again people use religion to justify cruel and hateful acts.

I do not have any children, at least of the human variety, but I would love my child as my child, not because of male or female.  How a mother can do what she did to her own child is just jaw dropping. I do not even know the words.  Your mother seems to want a robot for a child, not a child.  Can I suggest that she get a copy of Robonaught 2.  You need the most love now, not the least.

It is such a ridiculous statement that people give citing God as the reason for hatred towards and killing of transsexuals.  There are a zillion comebacks, starting with love.

[Kendall]

Well come to Susan's. I was sad that your parents failed at least for now. I am impressed you are continuing on. I think to live not as ones' self is like being living dead, and you are choosing life.

Go Girl!

Kendall

[annette]

Hi flux

I'm sorry to hear that your parents rejected you.
actually I had the same thing but when I go for surgery my father was there suddenly.
Maybe your parents are frightend but will things go better in a matter of time.
anyway, it's your life and you have the right to make the discicions wich are the best for you.
what do they really want, that you are unhappy for the rest of your life ?
people just don't know that's not a matter of choice but a matter of getting a life.
go for your happiness girl, you have people here who will support you.

a big hug for your courage
annette

[spacial]

This time, she just freaked out.  I don't remember exactly how that phonecall went, but I remember I was too upset to talk to her anymore, and I hung up.  The next day, I received an email informing me that I had 30 days to retrieve any possessions from our house and return the key, and that I would never be accepted at home if I was not dressed as "a normal boy."  They talked about all of the depression and things I dealt with growing up - basically my entire life - and said they couldn't deal with any of it anymore.  They said if I get any surgical alterations (which I am planning to, eventually), I will be dead to them.

This is a piece of nonsense by your parents. They complain about all the problems they had to deal with while you grew up. I wonder if that includes the time when you had to wear diapers, just because you were a baby!. Or the time when you got moody, just because you went through pubitry. And all that food you ate, just because you were hungry.

I feel very strongly for you. It hurts like hell. Been there, got the tee shirt, believe me. Many others here have also.

But there is absolutely no justification for what they said. It is impertanent, inappropriate and rude. There are no words to describe how utterly wrong they are saying these things.

Now, it may be that they are trying to get back at you. But that suggests they know full well how you are and this is no surprise. That they hoped that, by ignoring it, it would go away.

You've dared to face up yourself, instead of playing the part.

They have summoned you, within the next 30 days, to appear before them. This is a ploy. How you handle that is up to you. But if it were me, I would either not go at all, or if I did, I would go when they aren't in, take the absolute minimum, then leave.

Keep the key. Handing that back is just a piece of symbolism. If you play along, you will lose.

Sorry to have to say all this. But the gennie is out of the bottle now. It was always going to come out, eventually.

[juliemac]

Good god. Another geek 

My mother was the same way.
"You'll never be happy", "You'll never have a relationship". Well she was close on that one 

Though we had talked on the phone, I have seen my mother twice in person in the last 20 odd years.
After surgery? She said I never looked happier.

Sometimes percistance pays off.

[Rock_chick]

Hugs hun.

My mum's initial reaction was "I wished I'd strangled him at birth" so I can sympathise totally. However, despite that, my mum (and dad) are starting to accept things. My advice is don't try and make them understand, though I know that like me you'll just want them to understand why, just take a step back, let your mum get on with grieving for her son (because that is what she's doing right now) and then maybe in a couple of months time write her a letter or something. Let her get used to the idea, if she loves you, she'll eventually have to come to accept that you need to do this to be happy.

So hang in there, concentrate on your life for now, but don't forget about your parents and don't let a highly immature reaction get you down.

Helena x

[Aidan_]

I am quite envious that you had the courage to do this! Not everyone can do it, so give yourself a metaphorical medal for that.

If I were in such a position as you have described, I would just continue on with my life. Be successful and happy, live according to you and only you. If in a decade or two you happen to run into your parents or feel like checking up on them, you'll want to show this extremely awe-inspiring person to them! Maybe if they see you're really happy in this way of life, they'll reconsider. If they feel nothing more than burning hatred for you despite that...then I am very sorry for my rudeness but you may have very self-centered parents.

Finally, I guess just looking at it from their perspective might help you understand a little better. From the sounds of it, they've really wanted to have a powerful, wealthy son (as most parents do). To simply tell them that their son wishes to be their daughter instead will shatter whatever dream they had of having whatever kind of son they wanted. The first thing they'd think is, "Am I a failure of a parent? Is my son trying to defy and ridicule me? Where did I go wrong?" and while none of these things are true or answerable, they will go through the heads of any parent. So, I suppose just give them some time. Sometimes leaving angry people alone long enough will let them realize they were wrong.

[flux_capacitor]

@justmeinoz - Yes, Thanksgiving is usually the time when families in N. America come together and give thanks for everything they have and how together they are.  I hadn't realized how ironic that was until now.

@Janet Lynn - Thanks for the links! I was wondering about the ranks and reputation stuff especially.  And yeah, my ID is from Back to the Future ^_^

@A - I agree, this should probably be moved to introductions Thanks for the tip about the professionals.  I won't let any of that stand in my way!!

@Michael Alexander - Thank you ^_^ I am also so glad that I have someone to spend Thanksgiving with.  I have never realized until now how much the people around me truly care.

@sarahla - I agree with what your former endo said about the past and the future - I know that the future has bright things in store for me, as long as I work hard toward them And I agree so, SO much about how people use religion to justify doing horrible things to people.  My family are devout Bible Belt Baptists, and things like this are the reason I have never been able to accept religion x| I try really hard to be open-minded, because I know things like this don't represent religion as a whole, but it's difficult when I am affected so personally.

@Kendall - I absolutely agree.  I do not want to be one of the people who goes on for decades being miserable in a body that isn't mine - I have to live, and I hope one day my family understands that

@annette - Thank you for that story about your father I dearly hope something like that happens with me, I at least hope eventually my mother can come to support me; she has always been there for me until now.  BTW, your name reminds me a lot of a name I was thinking about - Anetta Gaiman (from Neil Gaiman, my favorite author)

@spacial - I absolutely agree with everything you have said.  I don't plan to bow down to my parents in any way at all.  I am honestly disgusted by them right now.

@juliemac - Another geek?? You mean you're a geek?? :O AAA! <3 <3 <3  And yeah, my mom said the same things to me.  Basically about how no one would ever want to be with a masculine-looking, tall woman.  Not much of a self-esteem boost, but I am trying to ignore her opinions.  I know things will be tough, but I'm not going to let her get me down.

@Helena - I'm trying very hard to just step back and let Mom and Dad process things, but it's tough.  Honestly, I'm finding it EXTREMELY hard not to lash out at them x| but I'm working on it.  My friends are so much help. <3

@Sutara - It's easy to be courageous with friends <3 plus now that I'm finally taking the steps towards living the life I want to live, I feel more determination than I have felt for my entire life.  And I agree about my parents, although honestly I hope we are talking sooner than a decade or two from now.  I think that my mom will come around at some point.  I hope I can make them see that I am the same person I have always been, just in a different form - in a form closer to who I am on the inside.

@EVERYONE - Thank you for all the support <3 I love each and every one of you <3

[A]

AAA

<3. I need your msn, haha.

[Mrs Erocse]

Thank you for sharing your story. Our parents mean so much to us. In the end they are just imperfect people. I hope someday they come around for you.

~Hugs~
Mrs. Erocse

[flux_capacitor]

MY DAD APOLIGISED for a lot of the things he said.  I'm not sure where we're at exactly, but I honestly didn't think we'd be at this point for years. :O I'm happy. <3
You people are awesome.

[Mrs Erocse]

Thank you for the update. We are so HAPPY for you. 

Hugs
Mrs Erocse

[A]

This is great ! I'm happy for you.

[sarahla]

Hi Flux_capacitor,

I agree with many of the things that others have said in this post and am glad that your father came around.  That means that your mom / (mum :-)) will come around eventually too.

You did the right thing and a courageous thing.  The healing process and a real beginning cannot start until all lies are out in the open.  Now, for the first time, you have a chance to have a real relationship with your parents and your mum.  (I like that spelling better.  My mom had a British nanny growing up and had strong British influence growing up, nearest that I could tell, so she used British terms, not American ones. )  In some ways, you are lucky.  I waited too long to open up and lose the fear.  My mom died before I could tell her.  She died suspecting something, but never knowing.  She hid things from me too on the count of fear, things which I later found out.  I regret that.  There should never have been a second wasted on lies.  Not telling someone something is lying to them.

Keep doing what you are doing.

As to giving back the key, I would refuse.  If they want to, they can change the lock.  Do not play into the hand that they will kill you off.  They should "man up".  You are their child.  By the way, they never lost a son, as they never had one.  Even if they did, they are gaining a daughter, and a happy one.  They will see that in your eyes and face and be happy for you.

[annette]

Hi flux.
well, the appoligie of your father came sooner then you where thinking didn't you?
That's good news,  you can use all the support you need ride now.
I'm happy for you.
And my name...that's a name very common in our family, my mothers name was quite similair.
I'm not using a nickname because I don't have enemies, only friends, so I can speak free and use my own name
Hugs
annette