I know several if not many of you are now aware that I have been seeing someone, but I haven't really given any details. Mainly I didn't really feel like talking about it then, but things have progressed to a point where I just want to tell the WHOLE world how happy I am!
I first "met" him on MySpace well before I actually began transition (HRT mainly), but was in a sense part time and had created a MySpace for my new identity to replace my original page once I was ready. I had lots of pics posted of me in various outfits including wigs and breastforms. He was a friend of a friend, and that's how he found me, on their page. He apparently was intrigued, and sent me a friend request. I was also interested, as he was an attractive man, and accepted the request.
Because I was not on hormones and was still figuring myself out, I was still slipping into moods of self-doubt and depression, so our contact was sporatic at best in the beginning. We both also had a lot going on then, and would sometimes not even log into MySpace for weeks at a time. He never gave up, however, and remained in contact with me as much as possible. Straight from the beginning he was constantly calling me beautiful, Miss April, etc., which I found very sweet and endearing. He had a way of making me blush that I had not experienced before, because he was sincere in what he said and I could feel it.
Early last summer my car was parked indefinitely due to needing thousands worth of work to get it to pass inspection that I simply had no way of coming up with. In desperation, I bought a cheap 12-speed and intended to ride that uncomfortable thing the 1.5 miles to work and back each day. That lasted ONE day. Kristoff and I were chatting and I was kinda whining to him how much it sucked not to be able to drive, etc., and he offered to give me rides back and forth EVERY day. He was between jobs at the time, and had the opportunity to help me. This was how we met face to face the first time. When he picked me up for work the following morning.
Mind you I'm not full time at work yet, and have only recently come out to management. So for the next month or so we spent hours after he brought me home talking and getting to know each other. He saw me at my absolute worst; tired, sweaty, and with days worth of unkempt stubble on my face (I was only part time so shaving daily wasn't a huge thing then). Through it all he continued to call me beautiful and make me feel special and cared for.
We are both horribly painfully shy when starting new relationships, so although there was very tangible chemistry between us neither of us made any move to progress things. We both wanted it, of course, but were just so shy.... it was cute. We'd both blush and get all awkward and not know what to say. Because we were so shy, we didn't really say much about feelings, so neither of us KNEW how the other felt. We knew we liked each other, but didn't know to what extent.
Over a month ago, I finally broached the subject and told him flat out... I LIKE you Kristoff... very much. I want to have something more with you... and I NEED you to tell me how YOU feel. He told me he felt the same, and went on to say he wanted to court me. So sometime in early October it became official... we were in the beginning stages of dating. We both are fine with taking our time and not rushing into anything, and because of our individual situations, it's really the best plan anyhow.
We started spending more time together. He bought me flowers, we treated each other to dinner and movies. We both live on limited income, so have to keep things simple. I honestly don't care if we sit and stare at the walls, as long as I get to do it with HIM. Of course, the usual flirtations started and I began to practice my feminine wiles to keep his attention firmly in my direction. We began hugging more often, then progressed to pecks on the cheek, holding hands, etc.
A few weeks ago I had a kind of meltdown. I found myself falling in love with him hard, and was suddenly hit with the feeling... what if he doesn't feel the same? What if I lose him? These thoughts drove me to sobbing on my bed... the first time for me to cry over a man. He's getting all the firsts with April haha. As a guy in relationships, I had no idea what to do. I was expected to fill a role that I was completely uncomfortable with. This, now, with him.... is just perfect.
When I spoke to him, I told him how I was feeling... that I LOVED him and wanted to know if he felt the same. He did. I cried again, but happy tears this time... another first. He told me that he was finding himself loving me more and more all the time, and thinking about me, wondering what I was doing, how I was feeling, what I smelled like... and that all scares him too. He is a lot like me, we both think too much and analyze things until we've convinced ourselves of horrible things. I told him, we NEED to keep communicating, so that we both know how the other is feeling instead of assuming anything. It's one thing to know someone cares, but it's another thing entirely to hear it.
Wow, this post has become much longer than I intended... I will continue later, that is if people want to hear the rest of the story
Ciao!
~April~
